How do you guys do the "no contact" thing?

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Speaking of no-contact, there was a different girl -- who has schizoaffective disorder -- and she LJBF-ed me like around a month ago -- and I stopped communicating with her not so much because of anything calculated but more because I didn't see a point. Anyway, today I checked out her profile on a dating site and she can see when I check it out, so she came back to me and is telling me how unfair she was and how she can even consider dating, etc. She is now bombarding me with messages. The only problem here is that *I* am not interested. For one thing, she doesn't want kids and I do. Apart from that, I am not fun of an idea of dating schizophrenics. As far as dating bipolar I am perfectly fine with that: quite a few girls I tried to date had bipolar and, in fact, THE ONE girl that rejected me in 2005 who is by far the best had bipolar too. But I guess schizophrenia is different. I am fine dating bipolar but not schizophrenics. I might be totally wrong I don't know.

But anyway, like I said, its a completely different girl from the one I actually talk about in this thread. I just had to bring it up because its the same "no contact" topic, I guess.

Update: Crossing the B threshold took a lot longer than I thought. Thats because we aren't supposed to do all the problems but choose certain number of them, and, of course, I was choosing whichever ones are easiest. So, once I ran out of all the easy problems, I started to slow down. Long story short, I crossed the B threshold just today. Well, just like planned, the moment I saw that I crossed the B threshold, I contacted her.

It was actually pretty interesting. So I handed in the problems that were supposed to get me up to a B this Monday, but -- unlike her earlier pattern -- she didn't grade them right away, so I had to wait all the way till today to see that B recorded. Now, she updates the scores online, so I wasn't even in class, I was working on my laptop and reloading that grade pannel from time to time. I actually already got used to an idea that I will only get my B next week, so I was about to take off and work on one of my research projects -- which I happened to have neglected for this class. But then I did one more reload, saw my B, and was like "nope, I am not going anywhere, now that I have my B, I am contacting that girl" -- which I did. So it was actually pretty funny, I sent her long-anticipated confrontational message literally within seconds after seeing my B I bet she would never guess this was the case, and that my message to her was carefully timed Especially since she is in Michigan, the professor that gave me a B is in New Mexico, and they don't even know each other

By the way, speaking of this class, I still have a couple of weeks to get my grade up to an A or A+, which I will try to do. What is special about B is that, in graduate school, getting a C is horrible. It might easily get you into trouble. Now, B is not a good grade either, but nobody gets into trouble over a B. So I am just glad I am not in hot water any more.

As far as that girl goes, my very first message to her -- after seeing my B -- was a question how come she stopped talking to me and whether or not it was due to any of the turn offs she mentioned. Her reply was that she thought I was the one who stopped talking to her and she reminded me of how I didn't reply to her texts after I came from California. So then I pointed out to her that we had that chat *after* those text to which I didn't reply, so that should have told her I was still interested. Then she said that there was one text she sent me a week after that chat, which I ignored. I told her that I didn't notice that text (actually it was a lie: I remember it very well, enough as to talk about it on this board -- but still my point is valid: she can't "expect" me to remember every single text, I mean does she think I have photographic memory or something?) so I asked her for a date of that text and to tell me what she said. When she gave me a date I said okay now I found it, but I don't get it why she would expect me to remember every text I get.

Then she finally said that I was right, and she admitted that she was dealing with a personal issue thats why she didn't have much energy to reach out and she also added that she thought I might have been busy too since I told her about all those problems I had to do (yes I told her about the homework problems -- the only thing I didn't tell her was about a decision to ignore her until I cross the B threshold). So then I asked her what was she referring to by the "personal issue". She was trying to say it as vaguely as possible and in as few words as possible. But, after some prompting, she told me what it was. So I don't remember whether I mentioned it in this thread or not, but -- a couple of weeks *before* I decided to do the "no contact" thing, she mentioned that there was a guy in the Adventist church she was going to who was interested in her. I actually asked her whether she decided in favor of dating this guy and against dating me -- and she said no, she haven't made any decision between the two of us, she was kinda talking to both of us -- so I thought it was good since she didn't make that decision, I mean one would worry that she would, particularly since they are both Adventist and I am not. Anyway, from what she told me today, she was completely disinterested in him, so the "personal problem" was that he was interested in her and she was not, but she said it got "resolved". So I asked her how did it get resolved? She said she told him she was not interested. So then I asked her, weren't she saying this to him the whole time? She said that -- even though she wasn't attracted to him -- she decided to see him just to see, but she didn't seem to feel any attraction, and also her friends were telling her bad things about him and thats why she finally decided that it wouldn't work.

When she told me about her friends opinion I couldn't help but bring up the fact that girls other than her rejected me because their friends didn't like me and how I find it unfair. Now, I know this is the exact thing she told me was turning her off few weeks before the no-contact: she said I complain too much to the point that she felt I was using her as a therapist. But I just couldn't help it. Anyway, she didn't respond to the part as to whether or not the girls were unfair when they used their friends opinion. Her response was that his issues are more serious than mine. So then I asked her in what way are they more serious. And she said he is emotionally unstable, there are concerns about his relationship with his family, its not clear whether he can hold a job, and he picks up girls all the time. I told her that I check first three of those boxes. I am emotionally unstable due to Asperger, my mom treats me like a little kid and there was a girl in 2005 who rejected me because of my mom treating me like a little kid which is unfair since I have no control over what my mom does (just because my mom thinks of me this way it doesn't mean I am that way) and also as far as the job situation, I never had a job other than Teaching Assistant (a job that grad students have) but thats not because I can't get a job but rather I don't want to take a job other than my dream job -- a theoretical physicist. Once again, her reply to this wasn't very detailed. She simply reiterated that she still thinks his problems are more serious than mine -- and she said that in my case I just need more confidence.

Anyway she then said she was still at work, and after that she will return to the house to do some chores. I guess its good she took time to talk to me. But its not good that she didn't tell me when she wanted to talk to me next and didn't schedule our video chat the way she used to back then. So I am not sure what to think. I didn't ask her whether or not dating me is still on the table since she told me earlier that I already asked that question too many times and this question is a turn off. Her earlier answer was kind of along "we will see" (well I described it in the earlier posts here). So I am "assuming" its the same -- but I don't know whether or not I should be assuming this. Maybe one good sign is that when I asked her why she wasn't talking to me and she said she thought I was the one who stopped talking to her (in the beginning of conversation) she used a phrase "I thought maybe you lost interest" -- so since she used the word "interest" then perhaps she knows that the context of us talking is possible dating -- but then like I said, what about all those wishy washy things she used to tell me few weeks ago (such as she won't date me until we meet in person yet I shouldn't hurry with meeting since she knows it can be expensive).

Update: I haven't heard from her since that last note. Yes, I want her to write me first -- but "if" she were to write me, I would respond -- since the whole "no contact" thing on my side is over, as far as I am concerned. Now, to remind you what happened during the last conersation, she said that the reason why she didn't talk to me before than was that she thought I didn't want to talk becuase I didn't reply to her text -- and I clarified that I just missed that text by accident and also that I "do" want to talk -- she acknowledged that clarification since our conversation ended by her saying "sorry about it, I guess there was a miscommunication". So since she acknowledged that it was miscommunication, why isn't she messaging me now?

P.S. As far as that course is concerned, I crossed from B into A just an hour ago. Now I have a week to go from A to A+ (or not). This Friday is the last day of classes although she will continue to accept homeworks till Wednesday next week.

Update: I turned in 4 more problems so if I get either almost-full credit for 3 of them or partial credit for all of them I get A+ either way. So I am done with that class. In the very worst case scenario (which is quite unlikely) I would be left with an A I already have which is more than fine.

Anyway, like I mentioned earlier, the day I crossed into B (which was around two weeks ago), I contacted that woman and we had that conversation. But -- despite the fact that the conversation lasted for half an hour -- I never heard from her ever since. Up until 3 days ago, neither of us was sending messages to each other. Then between three days ago and today I sent her three messages, all three were read, and none of them received a response:

1) Three days ago I sent her a message asking her whether she was sure that my not responding to her message over a month ago was the reason, seeing that I didn't hear from her even after we had that conversation

2) Yesterday I sent her a message asking whether I pushed her away because I didn't believe her when she first told me that it was because of my not replying to that message and kept further questioning her about it. I told her that I plan to work on this and not questioning the answers people give me. And I asked her if I can get another chance.

3) Today I sent her a message saying that I apologize that two weeks ago I accused her of not writing to me instead of checking old text messages first. I told her that when I check text messages I have a habbit of only checking new ones. So maybe when she texted me over a month ago I checked it really quickly and forgot about it, but since I opened it my phone thought it was old, which is why I never checked it again. So I told her I made a mistake of not double-checking old messages before asking her that question.

In any case, Facebook marked all three messages as read, yet I still didn't get a response to any of them. No she didn't unfriend me: she is still marked as my Facebook friend, yet she keeps ignoring my messages.

What do you make of this -- particularly since she WAS willing to engage in half an hour conversation two weeks ago -- yet now she ignores me? Do you think it's the message that I sent her three days ago that put her off? Or do you think she just had more time to think after the 2 week ago conversation was over? Or did she already know 2 weeks ago she was going to stop talking and that conversation was a type of closure even though I didn't see it as such?

You’re sending her way too many messages. She might be actively avoiding you. At this point, conversation should be light and casual instead of constantly asking if you did something wrong.

Can there be something in between “no contact” and several unanswered messages in a row?

Which is precisely why I send her all this messages. I hate the feeling when someone actively avoids me and I don't even know WHY.

Why would you continue to send messages to someone you think is actively avoiding you?!?!

You might be approaching stocker level in her mind.

Knock it off and move on.

We can’t read people’s minds. That’s life.

Isn't it self evident? On my end, I feel far more compelled to message someone who actively avoids me than the one who isn't. Why? Because I don't like to be actively avoided without knowing why.

Okay lets say someone actively avoids you and tells you why: they think you are a bank robber. But know you aren't. Wouldn't you want to pester thar person to correct that misperception?

Or let's take the opposite example. Suppose someone is in great terms with you, never says anything bad about you. But then one morining you call them and they say "don't call me again I want nothing to do with you", you ask "why" and they say "because you are an a**hole" and you have NO CLUE just why are you an a**hole since everything was great. Wouldn't you want to pester then to get an answer?

That, plus also I feel like I had a lot in common with her. So I don't want to lose all this over some silly misunderstanding.

Reading back through this thread, I’m seeing that there’s been a fair amount of drama and talks about your “relationship” before it’s even begun.

That’s going to be a turn-off. She’d understandably think: “If there’s this much trouble now, imagine what it’ll be like when we’re together, both in lousy moods, etc.”

This situation is not in any way comparable to a person being accused of bank robbery. LOL There’s a different code here entirely.

She doesn’t think you guys are compatible (even if you do). It’s there in your opening post.

By nagging her about it, you’re just looking more and more creepy, digging a deeper hole.

You can dislike this as much as you want to, but that’s how it is.

You need to learn from this and move on.

If she has “quite a few reservations” about you from the start based on incompatible personalities, it’s a strong sign that it’s not going to work.

Next time, bring less drama, don’t beg someone to talk to you who doesn’t want to, don’t ask about your relationship when you don’t have one, avoid being negative, and don’t continue to email someone who’s actively avoiding you.

If you want a relationship, that is.

Yes, it is.

You believe she owes you an explanation when she doesn’t. You believe she should tell you why she wants nothing to do with you when you don’t have that privilege. You believe that your attraction to her somehow obligates her to be attracted to you when she is under no such obligation.

Give it up, man. Forget about her and work on improving your attitude.

1. If I look at my past relationships I used to be a lot more insecure in the beginning than later on. That's because at the beginning I am not sure how to read the other person so I am imagining the worst. Later on, on the other hand, I know that they didn't break up with me for all those months and nothing happens today that is too much out of line so things are fine. So it is a catch 22: the fact that I act so insecure at the beginning is what keeps the relationship from ever getting to the place where I am not insecure and when I bring up my ex's when it did, nobody believes me.

2. I though I asked her back then if I still had a chance. Yes, she seemed wishy washy, but she didn't tell me I didn't have it. It sounded more like "you still have a chance but here are some of my reservations". So then why did she start to actively avoid me a good while AFTER that conversation?! In my book, if we talk about something, and the conclusion of that conversation is that things aren't ended yet, then in my book things aren't ended. Yes I know of women that say things aren't ended yet they end them, and this drives me crazy too. But what drives me EVEN MORE crazy is when they don't end them right away but instead they end them with some delay. And yes this happened too. Here are a couple of examples:

a) There was a girl with whom I texted back and forth all day. At some point in the middle of that conversation she mentioned her coming to my dorm and watching football together (it was few years ago and there was some game going on involving the league of that school I was at) I told her I like the idea of watching it on my dorm -- and I hope we can snuggle in front of my roommates -- that way my roommates will know I am not a loser. From what she told me later, this comment was the reason why she decided to end it; but she didn't end it right away, she ended it few hours later, over something else! Yes she called me out on that comment -- but she didn't say that she wanted to end things. What she did was she "asked me" if it's the only reason I want to be with her -- and I said no it's not the only reason: I actually like her; that roommate thing is just an extra bonus. I then asked her if she still wants to date me; she said "yes, as long as you actually like me for me". I said I do. So I thought everything was fine -- particularly since we continued talking for another five hours and she continued to be just as engaging. Then, five hours later, here is what happened. She said "can you believe it we talked for 20 hours straight" I said "yes, and it feels so special. In fact I was texting you throughout the Bible study yesterday and enjoyed every second of it" she said "yes, and I am sure they knew you were talking to a girl because of big smile on your face" I said "yes, and they also saw how I don't throw any temper tantrums any more" she said "wait, you throw temper tantrums, why?" Then I said "can you still date me if I tell you I won't throw them any more" then she asked me again why do I do it but I was too busy asking her if she still wanted to date me to really answer it. Then she said yes, but I said that she doesn't sound as enthusiastic than she used to. She said it's not the comment itself but rather that I keep pestering her about it. So I said if I won't pester her would she be willing to date me. She said yes and tried to arrange the meeting. My phone battery went off at the most inconvenient time: I read her text about the meeting tome but didn't have time to type yes. Unfortunately I was at the dorm and the phone charger was at the office. It took me 15 minutes to get there, and then I got message from her that she can't meet me because she is not feeling well due to pregnancy (and yes she told me before she was pregnant) Then I tried to arrange other times to meet but she ignored all my messages. Then, a month or two later, I messaged her again and she told me that it wasn't the temper tantrum comment nor anything after that; rather, it was the comment FIVE HOURS BEFORE THAT regarding snuggling with her in front of my roommates so that they see I am not a loser But wait a second: if it was that comment five hours before then why was she was so loving and enthusiastic during those five hours?!

b) I was dating a girl who came to my place help clean it up. Now, I am near sighted and I don't wear glasses (I hope to improve my vision) so I project my near sightedness on others. This made me ask her the question: could it be that my roommates might confuse her with a guy and decide I am gay. No she didn't break up with me at that point. She broke up with me a month later -- which is a lot since our relationship lasted for three months. What led to breakup was various fights that had nothing to do with that incident. For example, one day she became sick during my visit to her place. Even though she is in her 30-s she lives with her mom because she is sickly in general. So during that visit to her, her mom tried to comfort her and got in the bed with her (me being on the right her being in the middle and her mom on the left). So I got really awkward and didn't talk. Next day her mom told her I wasn't the right one for her because I didn't talk and didn't ask her how she feels. So I explained to her I just felt awkward because if what happened, she said "okay" so I said "don't just say okay, I want to see if you believe me" and she said "I believe you" so I said "if you believe me that, why are you breaking up with me" she said "I am not". I said "but your mom wants you to" and she said "why does it matter, you aren't dating my mom you are dating me". I said "of course it matters I want to be liked by your family" she said "over time my mom's feelings might change" I said "can you tell your mom that the reason I didn't talk is that I felt awkward" -- and she didn't really want to tell that to her mom. So we were going in circles between my finally getting her to agree to tell this to her mom and her backing off on that. And I been bringing it up for several days. We also had other conflicts which is a lot to list. Eventually she broke up with me -- mainly over the fact that I am too argumentative and won't let go of things. Then, a year later, she made a Facebook post about her cat dying so I contacted her again. And at first the conversation went much better because I expressed sympathy about her cat. But then I asked her about the break up. At first she told me the same thing she said before: that she broke up with me because I am too argumentative. Then I said that the reason I was argumentative is that I was trying to fix miscommunications in order to make relationship work. Then she said that maybe part of the reason she didn't want to engage in those arguments is that she felt like it was not going to work anyway. So then I said "so then there has to be some reason OTHER THAN my being argumentative as to why it won't work: after all if you thought on the first place the relationship would work then -- admittedly -- you would have seen more point to those arguing; so what is that other reason?" And she said that reason was that gay comment that I made So this brings me to the point of what I want to illustrate with this example She broke up with me seemingly over a those other things and -- as creative as my mind was -- I never once suspected that gay comment had anything to do with it until she told me -- particularly since more than a month passed between that comment and her break up

Those examples are relevant in the following way Both of those girls decided it wouldn't work due to one thing but then they acted like nothing changed and -- after some time had passed -- they let relationship deteriorate over OTHER things. Now, that happens with the girl I am talking about now is quite similar. If I take what you wrote in the previous response, her ACTUAL reason for avoiding me has to do with those questions I asked her over two months ago. But did she actively avoid me then? No. In fact, when I just started that no contact she sent me three messages in a row (to which I responded after the third one) and then a week later she sent me one more message which I pretended to not see. Yet -- like you said -- it's POSSIBLE she made up her mind to EVENTUALLY avoid me long time BEFORE then -- I mean those two examples of these other women illustrate that yeah it's possible. And that is one of the things that drives me crazy.

You need to ask yourself whether or not dating is actually worthwhile for you.

It’s sort of concerning that so many things make you angry or drive you crazy.

You need to let stuff ago and learn from your past behavior, adjust your attitude, approach, expectations, and sense of entitlement.

There are so many problems in your examples. Why would you suggest that your friends would mistake the female you were with for a guy?!?!

Lots of fighting and arguments early in a relationship shows that it’s not a good one and it should be ended as quickly as possible.

Throwing temper tantrums?

What does an argument between you and a lady friend look like?

I’m a little surprised that you’ve had as much success as you have.

Listen, a girlfriend or potential love interest can end a relationship when she wants to and doesn’t owe you an explanation. Sometimes they don’t end it right away because they are unsure if something is a dealbreaker or not and later realize that it was or maybe they worry about what your reaction will be, especially if you’re angry and yelling at them during arguments...

When it’s over, it’s over.

The point is that the CONTEXT of my behavior is the fact that I can't get into relationships. Since if I could, I wouldn't act that way -- as evident from the fact that I wasn't arguing over those things during the long term relationships I had in the past. Yes, I did in short term cases, and that's what ended them -- but that's precisely the point: if relationship could outlast these short term issues things would be better, but most people don't want to give me that chance.

As far as entitlement goes, it comes from the feeling that I don't have what most people have. Case in point: I really want to be a physics professor -- which to me is much more important than all potential relationships put together -- yet you don't see any of my posts whining about the fact that I can't get the professorship. Why? Because I learned that competition is 100 people per place in bad schools and 300 people per place in good schools. So there is nothing personal a out not being the best of the best. But as far as relationships go, most people ARE able yo get into relationships and I am not -- that's why I feel left out which is where "entitled" behavior is coming from.