Who can afford to be angry

Post Reply New Topic

The staff at Denny's is responsible for their customers. They have to look out for that customer---prevent him/her from being robbed, say.

I don't have a problem with you spending 24 hours at Denny's. There's nothing morally wrong with that. But I probably couldn't do it.

I don't feel really comfortable at restaurant tables when I'm alone--for more than an hour or so.

Well, lets say they ask me to leave and I get robbed after I left. Then it will be their fault I got robbed.

I understand you said they are only responsible that I don't get robbed while at Denny's, its not their responsibility that I don't get robbed elsewhere. But thats why it makes no sense. Whats the point of making them responsible for one and not the other if -- as far as I am concerned -- I would suffer just as much.

I guess the reason this logical objection is irrelevant is that they are answering to some higher-up who isn't going to change their mind. Well, first of all, who is that higher up? If you say its an owner of Dennys, why didn't he change his mind when I argued with him? If you say its someone above him, who exactly? A city police? A government? Who?

And, whoever that person is, why doesn't that person change their mind and decide that Denny's isn't responsible that I don't get robbed -- regardless of whether I am inside or outside -- since clearly getting robbed inside isn't any worse than getting robbed outside?



So you aren't alone despite your autism? Wow, you are lucky!! !

Now you see why I have all those anger issues? You can't even be alone for an hour, and I have to be alone day in and day out for months and years.

I can be alone for a long time. In my house. On my bed.

I just don’t find restaurant chairs that comfortable. Booths are a little better.

I always choose booths.

My sympathy is being over shadowed by concern. Concern that you feel the need to cross examine strangers about their motives for treating you differently, while you continue behave very differently and do very little to put them at ease. You could try a smile and a friendly explanation once in a while. The typical signals that humans use to reassure each other of their good will.

As for how you have treated your girlfriends, I'm equally concerned. You describe the problems that you have encountered but is no feeling of any warmth towards towards them. It leaves me with the impression that you may have been overly combatitive.

Do you ever employ charm in your dealings with others? You give the impression of being single mindedly in persuit of what you want and of viewing others as either useful to your ends or as obstacles, with little middle ground or understanding of their wishes.

QFT, let me know if I've crossed a line and if you think that my comments are uncalled for. We're a long way from where we started with this thread. I'm not berating you. I'm concerned that you are blinded by your goals and that your relationships are suffering as a consequence.

I think that you have more choice in determining what relationship you have with others than you possibly think. Maybe signalling your own good intentions would be helpful sometimes, when you think you may have been slighted.

Indeed, I used the word "never".
Maybe that's because you are old enough for people to assume that you have been told what you should and shouldn't do multiple times.
The assumption may be wrong but that's the default.
So, in case you didn't know: spilling your anger on random people, mostly those close to you, is unacceptable and extremely likely to cause them reject you.
What you should do: find some ways to release anger without harming anyone. Many people I know use sports for it, you need to explore a bit before finding out what suits you. For me, music is better than sports, I play guitar and sing, there are good songs to release different emotions.
I isolate myself from other people when I'm angry and frustrated and warn them if they come close. I specifically tell my children to go away or I can start yelling at them.


Speaking loud and fast, and probably other aspects of body language, too. Body language is tricky for autistics and NTs notice it first.


It's learned in family, society, from behaviors of other people.
Polish people generally don't avoid conflicts, men and women alike. American women, at least white Americans, seem to be raised to smile all the time and not enter confrontations. The answer is a).

When it comes to strength, there is much more about strength than physical one. I have defended myself against a bulglar, 30cm taller than me, by simply not being afraid and talking to him. How? I probably treated him like his mother or teachers might and I suddenly gained authority points in his mind. Humans are complex, social creatures.

Okay, lets take Dennys for example. Even if I were to agree with you that staying at Dennys longer than most people is weird, how would this explain why people outside Dennys don't talk to me either? Are you saying that they somehow "know" I study at Dennys because people talk to each other -- and somehow they care about it even though they aren't personally working there?

I mean, if you were to convince me that if I stop studying at Dennys I will start making friends, then sure, I would stop studying at Dennys. Its that I don't see the connection, thats all. But I know I am socially unaware -- so if you can explain the connection to me, that would be helpful.

But if you think its not Dennys but something else I do that is weird -- then tell me what exactly is it.



When exactly should I be smiling? When I study at Dennys, smiling while studying is weird isn't it.

When I talked on the phone to that girl that compared me to Sheldon, she wouldn't see over the phone whether I smile or not.

Also, are you telling me that I should smile in response to HER making those comments to me? I mean if I was the one to make those comments then yes I should smile to ease the tension. But if she was the one who made them, why am I supposed to be the one trying to ease the tension?



As far as feelings of warmth go, why do you want me to express the feeling of warmth indiscriminately to everyone -- including people who are of low opinion of me? I mean NT-s don't do it, do they. So are you saying that if an NT doesn't express a feeling of warmth towards someone then its because NT is mad at that particular person but if an aspie doesn't express a feeling of warmth then its because the aspie is incapable of feeling of warmth altogether? Is this the assumption you are making? Because, if so, then that assumption is wrong. I remember having feeling of warmth to various women I talked to -- its just that those feelings disappeared when the women started to put me down -- which is perfectly normal.

Here is a simple question. What would you expect me to do in the situations I described -- where girls said what I put in bold? You said I am supposed to be apologetic. So lets take the girl that compares me to Sheldon. What should I apologize for? Should I say "I am sorry you saw that movie that made you uncomfortable around me" or "I am sorry I was born with a condition you are uncomfortable about"? Now, I totally understand the concept that if I actually *do* something that bothers them then I should apologize (even if I feel like I did it due to my condition or whatever). But here they weren't even bringing up anything I *did*. They just heard my diagnosis and decided that I am Sheldon. So if I didn't do anything -- except for sharing my diagnosis -- what am I exactly supposed to apologize for?

The other thing that I observed about you is this. When I *did* describe things I did -- in the earlier posts -- you were like "no no, don't judge him by his actions, you don't know all of the circumstances". But when I described what the girls did in more recent posts then all of a sudden you are saying "instead of blaming them you have to apologize to them". So is it your philosophy that the "less" a person admits of their own wrongdoing the "more" wrongdoing that person have done? But then don't you think this is the exact thing that victimizes the aspies: since aspies lack awarenness they are less likely to admit to things (not because they are less honest but because they are sincerely unaware) and then this makes them branded as bad guys? I mean, how can you hold someone responsible over something they are unaware of?

And back to the question about those girls -- let me try to give you a benefit of the doubt and try to make sense of your position. So were you saying something along the lines of "that girl couldn't have possibly said X, Y, Z out of the blue; so try to remember how you acted before she ended up saying these things and apologize for this". I guess this position would make "somewhat" more sense -- although still not a whole lot of sense: how do you automatically "know" it had to be me who was the first to do something wrong? But anyway, is "this" the logic behind what you are saying? If no, what is it?

OK, lets take Dennys as an example of how you might try disarming someone. After being asked to leave, rather than second guessing their motives you could have tried disarming them with a friendly response like
" oh yeah, sorry guys, I know that I've been here for ages. I'm just trying to finnish of this really important article for a journal and the deadline is tomorrow. Would it help if I bought another coffee? I mean, I really think I can get this done in the next hour or so"
*smile*

Tell me what you think.

Next up, girlfriends.....
You're not like Sheldon, big deal, laugh it off, not worth holding someone to account over.

Tell me what you think.

Now excuse me I'm feeling bogged down with the details of all of your accounts, I'm with the general impression that you could cut people a bit more slack sometimes.

And sorry, I said that I would not judge you, but I did. I was a little shocked by some of your accounts. The fat and ugly comment in particular.

I remeber you posting about a girl who ignored you.
I get this, someone might seem half friendly.....a shopkeeper...a stranger. I think "they seem nice"
The next time I go in they seem guarded and unfriendly.

That is their porogative, nothing I can do about except make things worse, or just go home and excell at physics or whatever.

Holding people to account, its not working for you is it? Besides, it leads to bickering and irritation that oscure any warmth. That is why I suggest you try deploying more charm and humour.

I also have this effect on some people, as soon as I walk into a place and say "good afternoon" the vibe changes!

I read that humans can recognise hundreds of changes in facial expression per second. NTs are probably inerpreting our voices, body language etc and sizing us up in two seconds flat or at least, making more evaluations than we can understand.

It doesn't seem fair, its like beeing a foreigner, with a strange accent and oddly cut clothes and strange shoes, watching every other a***hole get accepted everywhere you go.

There's nothing to do about it apart from monitor what you want from and project onto them (strangers). Once your expectations are minimal its easier to go about the place feeling more self contained and relaxed, and maybe that is intuited by those NTs too.

I was probably feeling a bit grumpy for my last replay, it was getting late.