Does my Aspie crush have romantic feelings for me?

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Not sad. I would like to think that there are still men around who value romance and respect women. Internet access and porn is giving a distorted view to young men and objectifying women is more common as a result.

The thing is I don't want anything spectacular. I don't want flowers or fancy candle lit dinners. All I want is someone who is attracted to me who actually likes my personality enough to actually want to spend time with me.

It seems all guys want is to enjoy having someone they're attracted to but don't like that much give them attention to boost their ego. They like it when someone wants to meet up with them, but they don't like the woman enough to actually meet up.

Half the hurdle is attraction in the first place. I'm not attractive enough to guys. Once I've actually got over that hurdle it's not even enough. 'Yeah I'm one in a million that actually thinks Hurtloam is attractive, but I'm damned if I can actually be bothered spending my precious time with her. '

This dating thing is just torture. Its a horrible thing tgat just constantly rips up and tears your self esteem apart. Im sick of being treated like sub-human trash.

What I do hurtloam is try and enjoy my life, busy myself with meaningful work and spend time with friends. If a guy who is worthy comes along then that's a bonus. It's society that's shallow and distorted not you. You sound as though you have your feet planted firmly on the ground, don't feel any less than precious even if everyone else is injecting botox and judging us all by impossible standards. In life I have often found that when I let go of something that I am struggling with then it finally works out. I always look at the half full cup and am very grateful for what I have, however modest it may be. I may not have everything I want but I can be content.

For the like, 1 of you who validated me in this thread, thank you, I appreciate it and note it. I got your back.

For the others, I think you are missing the point. I have never had a head-on collision with alexithymia before. Alexithymia makes Autism look like a walk in the park. To think that this man may never have known what love really feels like, makes tears come to my eyes, despite if he played me or not. I realize I am naive but I am pretty sure this guy genuinely had no clue about my feelings, or his. It's like I am dealing with Helen Keller, but instead of being deaf, dumb, and mute he is emotion-less, and no matter HOW DIRECT I AM with my feelings, I realize it just does not compute for him. It's like that receptor is OUT. I am sure he feels emotions in his body more so than his mind. Folks, with this guy, no matter if I shout my feeling from the rooftop and ask him his, it ain't going through, he disallows it from contacting his brain, either intentionally or unintentionally (they have not declared alexithymia a disorder yet, but a 'personality trait'); rendering any communication virtually impossible.

Then at the end of our interaction, later, which I haven't told you yet, I related to him that I had felt his feelings for me on numerous occasions, which goes all the way back to our first summer of dating (just before he sabotaged anything we were building by continuing to see other girls). I related this because I wanted him to know in case he couldn't know, that he did have feelings for me. I am a very empathic Aspie. I never realized what a gift being empathic was until relating to someone who has no conscious empathy (which as you know is also a trait of narcissism and antisocial PD). I understand NOW why this guy never ever smiles: he likely feels no, or little, joy or happiness. I have seen his smile only in hunting pictures, and that looked canned. I know narcissists also don't have a sense of humor--or a whacked out sense of humor--but this guy shows no other signs of narcissism.

Anyway, on my last text to him, I told him I had feelings for him, I knew he had feelings for me, and that maybe with alexithymia he just couldn't know his feelings, but that I would love to work with him through this because he is "worth it to me, because I think he is a brave, strong, and wonderful man" but that if he chooses not to I would say 'farewell' and leave him alone. He texted me back in about 3 minutes stating, "Or I was being a gentleman and thought dinner would be a nice outting...do not analyze me I do not care for it. good night." [Again, the fixation on 'dinner', it's 'just' dinner, making dinner the focus versus allowing it to be about something deeper than dinner] So to me, because he had been silent 6 hours prior to that, I think context is relevant: He does not want me to walk away. I texted back that I agreed he was a gentleman, that dinner with him would be nice, and that I would stop analyzing him (I already know the big things anyway now), and good night. However, I texted him a good morning today, and he never responded....

I think he feels everything in his body, but has difficulty discerning what the actual feeling is. I didn't throw in there that just after he cancelled he sent me a nice text stating that sushi would actually be "better for me than pasta", I also remember that he avoids bread meaning that he likely has some irritable bowel issues going on, which is common for people with alexithymia. For another example, I had told him on my bucket list someday is to try mushrooms. I have never done them, but would consider having some sort of spirit quest with them with a trusted friend. He had done them before, so he was telling me about it. I was expecting to hear words like happiness, hyper-focus, euphoria, insight, things like that but he never explained it like that, it was all this concrete explanation focused on how having a bad trip is not good, how it lasts a long time, and other various concrete descriptors that really made no sense to my brain. I have heard lots of accounts of people tripping on shrooms and they never sounded like his explanation. When pressed about it, "but don't you feel a kind of euphoria?", he got sort-of defensive and said that when I do shrooms I should just do it with that friend then, the one who speaks about how wonderful it is. Alexithymia is a disorder of lack of imagination. If you have no imagination, or very little imagination, what would tripping on mushrooms feel like? Maybe like a bad, or unremarkable trip, as he seemed to be describing. These people also don't have vivid dreams, which seems to go hand in hand...

So in response to y'all on here telling me the mistake lay in not asking him his feelings, I did, numerous times, albeit in indirect ways (until Saturday): For example, last year in text, "Why did you come back into my life?" Looong pause: "I didn't realize I was being so impactful ". "Yes, you are very impactful". No answer. He constantly avoids discussing any feelings-related content. I am not stupid. We have been doing this 1.5 years. I communicate for a living. I know how to do it, but I also respect people's emotional boundaries and wanted him to be able to tell me his feelings on his own time/agenda. Aspies cannot always cop-out and claim others should have been more direct. He KNEW what I wanted to hear, this ain't his first rodeo, yet he avoided it anyway. AVOID, hmmm, maybe he also has avoidant PD Problem is, I don't think he CAN because I don't think he realizes what feelings are. Our last date, I literally told him every thought/feeling in my head, while embracing: "I like you, you are so handsome and sexy (he smiled at this really big and said it made him feel good?), your kiss is better than I remember, etc, etc, etc" There *should* have been no ambiguity with how I felt for him, yet there WAS> unless he is so good at lying that he has taken it to an antisocial level. I am seeing no other signs of antisocial behaviors though.

I am just baffled. How can you communicate romantic love to someone who is not able to take it in? Fortunately, I believe that love is more importantly an action, not just a feeling. So I could find a way around this issue if my man wanted to let me in and work through this. I can live without am man waxing poetic loving feelings to me, I would be fine with loving actions. The real problem is that severe alexithymics also keep everthing extraneous to themselves and their experience on a superficial plane. Meaning they allow nothing to get through that's deep. While I can live without words of affection, I don't think as an INTP I can live in a superficial world and be happy. Anyhow, I doubt he would ever entertain a discussion about aleximthymia or admit his lack of understanding feelings, much less intentionally take on the emotional labor entailed to work through finding a healthy fix for it.

Honestly, I am throwing in the towel on this guy and praying for a divine miracle, because that's what it's gonna take at this point.

I would say, you know, more power to this guy. Let him continue in his happy solo world of singleness, performing his favorite rituals without a woman bothering him, skinning early in the morning, doing the work he is boss at, eating the foods he likes, living a celibate life. The Bible says this is actually ideal, if you can live without sex. Otherwise, it's better to be married. However, I don't think this guy can live without sex, especially with how much more strongly he must feel things in his body (since his mind is effectually shut down to emotions/feelings) and need that to be released. I get the drift he is living a celibate life currently, but I have not had the chance to ask him. Even so, I can't see him living without sex for very long, and I cannot condone fornication when I know he is breaking hearts like mine for his own selfish gain all over this region.

I would give him my wishes for solitude except that he must be living in a lonely prison and really not know any different. Have you seen that video on fb of color-blind babies getting special glasses and being able to see color for the first time? If not, you should google it. Really amazing and touching. To think of this man whom I love not ever feeling love-or denying it to such a degree it's been rendered mute-is not ideal. I am concerned it's the people like him who commit suicide. What happens when he can no longer work or skin due to injury? He will have no one to help him get through. Is a Tinder hook-up going to nurse him back to health? I doubt it. But hey, I guess that's what I was, a Tinder hook-up, so maybe she would. But I can't in loving conscience think this guy will be better off without relationship. He needs someone, but he obviously has got to come to that conclusion himself.

So, I am going to keep watching and see what happens. I am not putting my life on hold for this man, or anyone. I am going to continue living my life as fully as I can as a single woman. It's not as full as I'd like it to be. But it could be worse....I still think it's better to know what love is and bleed from it, than to not know it at all.

I wish you well MissMary but the crucial point here is that you are supposing that this person is autistic and inventing a whole personna based on this and that is an extremely dangerous and irresponsible thing to do.

It Might Be Over.....Or Not?

Update: Yesterday afternoon we texted and I sort-of pushed the envelope and we left it all in a good, but potentially final resting place, depending on what he decides to do. See the gist below:

Me: I am kind-of confused about what you want, when you sporadically text and date me. Does this mean you are interested in me, or are you just passing the time? Because I am very interested in you.

Him: I was looking forward to dinner and an outting, but then you said some crazy things ((I had shared briefly about alexithymia and that I wanted to work through any issues that might bring with it, men frequently use the ad hominem attack that women are *crazy* when we have insight into something that threatens them, as they know it's an effective way to shut us up about it )) and it made me realize we are on a very different page.

Me: We have known each other for 1.5 years and had about a dozen varied and fun dates in that time. I feel like you and I were becoming closer. We each have our flaws, but that doesn't bother me much.

Me: But if you feel that we are incompatible, then you know best. I defer to you.

Me: If you decide you want to know me better, I am ready to go deeper and have more exclusivity. I don't like to share . (I wanted to lay some groundwork for if this goes further--give him food for thought on taking it deeper, as I have been feeling like we are at the place where we carve out a safe space for knowing each other better, and call this thing a relationship.)

Him: Of course. Thank you for your thoughts.

~~~~~~

Then I deleted his number and all our texts. Of course I remember his number lol, but in time I will forget it. So if he thinks we have potential, he can contact me; otherwise, life will roll on.

I don't regret the texts of the weekend. I feel that I said everything with 'truth in love'. I like to diagnose things and analyze things, it's who I am. If he gets very bothered by it, then I am not the one for him. I have to be able to speak my thoughts and ideas without [me/my thoughts] being called crazy. I hate it when men do that. But I like how respectful we were in the end. We have always been respectful with each other, and I think that is a really cool thing.

Thanks for reading~

Update: Still no word from him, but I am feeling pleased about it all.

It's been about two weeks and I *assume* he is pondering things. I know he likes me, just not sure if he likes me enough to pursue me and a relationship. Time will tell. In the meantime I am staying off facebook (pretty sure he watches me on there) and keeping busy with work and activities.

Made a new friend at work who is an extravert and loves to hike. Today we are hiking to some frozen waterfalls in GNP, so that will be a new experience for me. I continue to work out and work, and am catching up on my Star Trek at night lol.

I wonder what is going through his mind right now? I know he likes to re-read texts over and over (I deleted mine so I couldn't). I suspect he is thinking he wants to see me but he knows he shouldn't contact me unless he is interested in taking it to the next level. I *think* he worries that he cannot give me what I need/want as his life has only been centered around him and his needs for so long, and, well, his routines, etc. I intuit it will take him a while to work through all these potential issues/scenarios with me, and visualize how I might look/fit in his life. He might even continue to date other women, and in so doing realize he can never replace me, and what I have to offer him. If he sees value in me after overcoming all these stumbling blocks, then we might have a chance.

I predict he will be willing to commit by Spring, when the wild roses are budding. We shall see if I am right.
But in the end I really have no clue how men work.

Glacier National Park Winter Walk 2020

For what it's worth (since you seem to have resolved this to your satisfaction) I think he has NPD rather than alexithymia (may not even have AS, just NPD).

Just my two cents. Good luck.

Sorry to break this to you, but this:

I will be ready to 'call it' when it's been 4 months no contact.

Which will be June 15, 2020.

As it stands, just because I carry a torch for him still doesn't mean I am not fully living my life, which I am. If someone asked me on a date, I'd go if I were interested in that person. So, it's not like I'm putting my life on hold for this person.