15 Dec 2020, 12:01 am
Rexi wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
People tend to give advice that works for them because they assume that because it works for them, then it must work for other people, but that's not always the case.
That's why some people give the dating advice, "just be yourself" or "it'll happen when it happens". More often than not, the people giving this advice are the type who are naturally good at dating and never had to put in a lot of effort to attract the opposite sex.
But here's the thing, "just be yourself" is not the best advice for people like us. Why? Because that implies that you shoudn't change yourself at all and who you are right now, is going enough to attract somebody. That's a load of horse crap! Tell a 40 year old fat overweight virgin neckbeard to "just be yourself", and that's not going to get him anywhere.
That's why some people give the dating advice, "just be yourself" or "it'll happen when it happens". More often than not, the people giving this advice are the type who are naturally good at dating and never had to put in a lot of effort to attract the opposite sex.
But here's the thing, "just be yourself" is not the best advice for people like us. Why? Because that implies that you shoudn't change yourself at all and who you are right now, is going enough to attract somebody. That's a load of horse crap! Tell a 40 year old fat overweight virgin neckbeard to "just be yourself", and that's not going to get him anywhere.
There needs to be a balance. Obviously one cannot live happily by changing too much about themselves. Not to mention it's exhausting.
Everyone modifies themselves for relationships, though, no matter the diversity.
Just maintaining friendships, takes effort.
S.O. relationships are exhausting.
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,184
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
15 Dec 2020, 12:36 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
NT, here...Happily married to my beloved (Aspie) husband...I hear you...Sorry for your experience...Most NTs are simply not qualified to give advice to someone on the spectrum...Period...I KNOW I AM NOT QUALIFIED...Because it is simply not my area of expertise...I studied Legal Studies and count with one decade of experience in the legal profession...Ask me about civil litigation....I understand all aspects of the civil litigation process very well...I specialized in personal injury matters to be specific...So, i humbly admit that giving advice or counseling someone on the spectrum is well beyond the scope of my area of expertise... 
On the other hand, as some of you already mentioned, here, i can offer my understanding, kindness and compassion, which is what i try to do towards my beloved (Aspie) husband daily...
I may even be able to direct him to someone who may be qualified to assist him...Ultimately, it is up to the individual, NT or AS, to seek sound advice...I won't go to a mechanic to learn to sew...I won't seek help from a chiropractor to learn to make cakes...You get my point???...At times, it is partly our fault that we get poor advice...And if we seek advice through the proper venues, and we still receive poor advice, it is ultimately OUR CHOICE to accept it or to reject it...At the end, there is no harm done if we reject poor advice...If there is no harm done, then there is no reason to complain...However, if we receive sound advice, suitable to our particular needs, and we still reject it, then we are hurting ourselves...This is my humble opinion...What do you ALL think 
It sounds good but I do not think that NTs are incapable of giving good advice to us Aspies or that us Aspies are incapable of giving good advice to NTs. It is important for the person receiving advice to consider the source & to use their own judgement as to weather they should try & apply the advice or dismiss it. It is also important for the person giving the advice to accept that it should be the individual's choice as to weather they take said advice or not. It's like the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink". I know that it can get very frustrating to hear someone going on & on about the same problems nonstop(or seemingly nonstop) especially if you feel like the person is bringing it on themselves by not taking real steps to solve their problems. However taking it out on them will NOT fix things. Show the person understanding, kindness & compassion if they don't take your advice & you don't know what else to suggest. If you cant do that because you become too frustrated with the person's complaining, you can gently try telling them that you want to talk about other stuff or you can try distancing yourself from them some. You can try setting boundaries without being an insensitive dick about it. Also with me & maybe some other Aspies(I'm not sure thou) I can kinda appear that I am being argumentative when I am really analyzing things trying to sort things out. That can sometimes help me see things from different angles & sort out my thoughts some. It might would of helped if I would of tried explaining that to others instead of both of us taking things personally. Also it is sometimes very helpful for people to get a different perspective on things especially with Aspie/NT relationships. The Aspie can benefit from the NT perspective & the NT can benefit from the Aspie perspective. I know you have benefited from the Aspie perspective Clueless & I think your NT perspective is useful here On the other hand, as some of you already mentioned, here, i can offer my understanding, kindness and compassion, which is what i try to do towards my beloved (Aspie) husband daily...
I may even be able to direct him to someone who may be qualified to assist him...Ultimately, it is up to the individual, NT or AS, to seek sound advice...I won't go to a mechanic to learn to sew...I won't seek help from a chiropractor to learn to make cakes...You get my point???...At times, it is partly our fault that we get poor advice...And if we seek advice through the proper venues, and we still receive poor advice, it is ultimately OUR CHOICE to accept it or to reject it...At the end, there is no harm done if we reject poor advice...If there is no harm done, then there is no reason to complain...However, if we receive sound advice, suitable to our particular needs, and we still reject it, then we are hurting ourselves...This is my humble opinion...What do you ALL think 
A different perspective can be useful with various other types of relationships besides Aspie/NT 1s.
15 Dec 2020, 6:54 am
nick007 wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
NT, here...Happily married to my beloved (Aspie) husband...I hear you...Sorry for your experience...Most NTs are simply not qualified to give advice to someone on the spectrum...Period...I KNOW I AM NOT QUALIFIED...Because it is simply not my area of expertise...I studied Legal Studies and count with one decade of experience in the legal profession...Ask me about civil litigation....I understand all aspects of the civil litigation process very well...I specialized in personal injury matters to be specific...So, i humbly admit that giving advice or counseling someone on the spectrum is well beyond the scope of my area of expertise...
On the other hand, as some of you already mentioned, here, i can offer my understanding, kindness and compassion, which is what i try to do towards my beloved (Aspie) husband daily... I may even be able to direct him to someone who may be qualified to assist him...Ultimately, it is up to the individual, NT or AS, to seek sound advice...I won't go to a mechanic to learn to sew...I won't seek help from a chiropractor to learn to make cakes...You get my point???...At times, it is partly our fault that we get poor advice...And if we seek advice through the proper venues, and we still receive poor advice, it is ultimately OUR CHOICE to accept it or to reject it...At the end, there is no harm done if we reject poor advice...If there is no harm done, then there is no reason to complain...However, if we receive sound advice, suitable to our particular needs, and we still reject it, then we are hurting ourselves...This is my humble opinion...What do you ALL think
It sounds good but I do not think that NTs are incapable of giving good advice to us Aspies or that us Aspies are incapable of giving good advice to NTs. It is important for the person receiving advice to consider the source & to use their own judgement as to weather they should try & apply the advice or dismiss it. It is also important for the person giving the advice to accept that it should be the individual's choice as to weather they take said advice or not. It's like the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink". I know that it can get very frustrating to hear someone going on & on about the same problems nonstop(or seemingly nonstop) especially if you feel like the person is bringing it on themselves by not taking real steps to solve their problems. However taking it out on them will NOT fix things. Show the person understanding, kindness & compassion if they don't take your advice & you don't know what else to suggest. If you cant do that because you become too frustrated with the person's complaining, you can gently try telling them that you want to talk about other stuff or you can try distancing yourself from them some. You can try setting boundaries without being an insensitive dick about it. Also with me & maybe some other Aspies(I'm not sure thou) I can kinda appear that I am being argumentative when I am really analyzing things trying to sort things out. That can sometimes help me see things from different angles & sort out my thoughts some. It might would of helped if I would of tried explaining that to others instead of both of us taking things personally. Also it is sometimes very helpful for people to get a different perspective on things especially with Aspie/NT relationships. The Aspie can benefit from the NT perspective & the NT can benefit from the Aspie perspective. I know you have benefited from the Aspie perspective Clueless & I think your NT perspective is useful here On the other hand, as some of you already mentioned, here, i can offer my understanding, kindness and compassion, which is what i try to do towards my beloved (Aspie) husband daily...
I may even be able to direct him to someone who may be qualified to assist him...Ultimately, it is up to the individual, NT or AS, to seek sound advice...I won't go to a mechanic to learn to sew...I won't seek help from a chiropractor to learn to make cakes...You get my point???...At times, it is partly our fault that we get poor advice...And if we seek advice through the proper venues, and we still receive poor advice, it is ultimately OUR CHOICE to accept it or to reject it...At the end, there is no harm done if we reject poor advice...If there is no harm done, then there is no reason to complain...However, if we receive sound advice, suitable to our particular needs, and we still reject it, then we are hurting ourselves...This is my humble opinion...What do you ALL think A different perspective can be useful with various other types of relationships besides Aspie/NT 1s.... ... ...
You are right 100%... Thank you for emphasizing UNDERSTANDING, KINDNESS, and COMPASSION, all necessary ingredients to foster good relationships...Someone mentioned on a previous post the importance of LISTENING...
I have learned the hard way with my beloved (Aspie) husband that he was not intentionally been argumentative but, like you, was only analyzing with me the situation presented to us in that moment...I often have to remind myself in the course of any given day NOT TO TAKE THINGS PERSONAL with my beloved husband....
...And yes, indeed, we can all learn from different perspectives...In fact, this sounds like a topic i may want to address on a different thread... ...Thank you for your positive feedback, Nick...Stay safe
15 Dec 2020, 7:05 am
nick007 wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
People tend to give advice that works for them because they assume that because it works for them, then it must work for other people, but that's not always the case.
That's why some people give the dating advice, "just be yourself" or "it'll happen when it happens". More often than not, the people giving this advice are the type who are naturally good at dating and never had to put in a lot of effort to attract the opposite sex.
But here's the thing, "just be yourself" is not the best advice for people like us. Why? Because that implies that you shoudn't change yourself at all and who you are right now, is going enough to attract somebody. That's a load of horse crap! Tell a 40 year old fat overweight virgin neckbeard to "just be yourself", and that's not going to get him anywhere.
I think people say the "just be yourself" & "it'll happen when it happens" lines because they know that they have no constructive advice to offer the person & they want to show their support for them. NTs are sometimes more focused on feelings than those of us on the spectrum. Us Aspies analyze those sayings logically & see right through how flawed those old tired clushays are. Whereas NTs hear them & feel better because someone is trying to cheer them up. Us Aspies focus on the sayings & NTs focus on having supportive people in their lives.That's why some people give the dating advice, "just be yourself" or "it'll happen when it happens". More often than not, the people giving this advice are the type who are naturally good at dating and never had to put in a lot of effort to attract the opposite sex.
But here's the thing, "just be yourself" is not the best advice for people like us. Why? Because that implies that you shoudn't change yourself at all and who you are right now, is going enough to attract somebody. That's a load of horse crap! Tell a 40 year old fat overweight virgin neckbeard to "just be yourself", and that's not going to get him anywhere.
I'm not sure about that thou & an NT POV on this could be useful to help explain.
... ... ...
True, in fact, NTs will readily give advice with the right motivation (a sincere desire to comfort a friend or relative)...This advice will most likely be accompanied by some gesture, like a pad in the back (to which some of you may be adverse)...Rest assured, my dear friends, even if you are getting lousy advice from your NT friend or relative, they had your well-being in mind...In fact, they care for you so-o-o much that not knowing what to say to you, they probably made it up instantly...
15 Dec 2020, 8:50 am
15 Dec 2020, 10:42 am
PhosphorusDecree wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Both NTs and aspies struggle when it comes to understanding other neurotypes.
She ought to have the common sense to know it won't work for you though. It wouldn't work for an NT guy in your position either. In fact, it would be annoying in most situations in a big city, regardless of gender.
Also - we're not meant to be stopping and talking to people for 15 minutes or more irl. There's a reason there's one way systems in supermarkets. Hers is bad advice during the pandemic.
She ought to have the common sense to know it won't work for you though. It wouldn't work for an NT guy in your position either. In fact, it would be annoying in most situations in a big city, regardless of gender.
Also - we're not meant to be stopping and talking to people for 15 minutes or more irl. There's a reason there's one way systems in supermarkets. Hers is bad advice during the pandemic.
Failure to understand other neurotypes is definitely common. I'd go further and say that human empathy fails to a surprisingly extreme degree across all demographic lines. Men don't "get" the viewpoint and experiences of women and vice versa, leading to all the "battle of the sexes" crap you run into everywhere, including here. People of one race don't get what it's like to belong to another race; the young and the old don't understand each other; gay, straight, bi, trans and cis folk don't get each other; people in different countries or following different religeons utterly refuse to get each other. And we so often take pride in our failure to understand. This empathy thing ain't all it's cracked up to be.
... ... ...
Sad but true
...Let's try to be the exception in this world where we may be surrounded by ignorance with respect to ASD...It takes effort to be kind and understanding and compassionate (the contrary requires no effort)...At the end, the effort is very rewarding as our interpersonal relationships improve...Even here at WP, among us NTs and ASDs, when we reach a mutual understanding, it is a beautiful thing...Best wishes to you
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