SURVEY To Male Aspies, What Do You Seek in a Partner?

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My NT girlfriend and I both have epilepsy with me having the more severe form.

When we first met, we were in a class together and one day, she had a seizure right in the middle of class. This of course scared everyone even though she was treated on-site and later released.

I emailed her and asked her out for coffee. She said yes & the next day we had coffee at a shop near our school. We clicked almost immediately and the anniversary of our first date is coming up quick!

She is very much attractive with dirty blonde hair and dark brown eyes alongside having strong senses of wit, compassion, and thoughtful of the opinions of other people.

I'm probably very different than the stereotypical Aspie guy in some ways when it comes to romantic relationships.

Physical Attraction is not really important to me. Some of that may be cuz I have bad vision(very nearsighted even with glasses & a bit of colorblindness) & I'm also somewhat on the asexuality spectrum. There are plenty of various women I do find physically attractive & plenty I don't but when it comes to romantic relationships I would find most anyone physically attractive if I was attracted to them on an emotional level.

I NEVER had a really good close relationship with my mom. She's done much more for me than most parents would of done for their kids but she also b!tched about it alot & we had LOTS of fights. She triggered me into having very bad meltdowns & when I was a kid she would sometimes threaten to put me up for adoption, send me to juvi, send me to military school, or just throw me out on the street when we were having fights & she was upset. She may of been making a joke in bad taste due to her frustration. As an adult she threatened to throw me out on the street a lot when I wasn't working. She never actually tried to do any of that stuff but I sure as f#ck felt very unwelcome & like she resented me. We have a much better relationship since I moved across the country to be with my girlfriend. Looking back nowadays I realize I do have aLOT of various disabilities & issues a lot of which were not diagnosed then so it is somewhat understandable why my mom & most everyone else could not understand & relate to me which lead to both of us being extremely frustrated. My mom was trying her best but her methods clashed with me & neither of us realized how much the other was really trying. I know I am very dependent & have lots of various issues but when I read Motherly Figure I think of a strong independent dominate woman who would boss me around & then resent me because she believed she had to. It's fairly common in Aspie/NT relationships for NT women to feel like they have to be a mom to their childish Aspie which kinda understandably causes the women to become frustrated & feel like they are doing all the work in the relationship. For the record I'm a male feminist & I respect strong independent dominate women but me having a romantic relationship with one seems like a recipe for major incompatibility & conflict.

I'm an introvert who prefers to be an introvert. When I read Social Skills I think of an extrovert who would resent me for not wanting to go to social things with her or an extrovert who would resent me for embarrassing her when I would go. Someone with very good social skills generally seems like a bad match for me. In general I would much rather an introvert who likes hanging out at home & maybe likes going for walks with just me & her & maybe a dog if we had one.

Reading Personal Secretary makes me think of someone who is gonna take charge of my life kinda like the Motherly Figure thing so I never seeked that in a relationship.

I'm not really sure what is meant by Emotional Intelligence but if I had to pick something on this list it would be my 2nd choice. I briefly looked up the term & perhaps I'm not sure how it could manifest within a romantic relationship or something IDK.

I voted for Compassion/Empathy. When I was single I became attracted to women who were nice towards me. I also liked women who were sweet in general.

When I was single I mostly just wanted a woman who would be willing to give me a real chance & who would try to make a relationship work with me instead of me doing most of the work & failing miserably because I could not suddenly become a whole new person. I can change a bit & I have changed a lot in some ways within my current relationship but I NEEDED someone to be there for me & to help support me. I needed someone who would be willing to stick around & try to work on our relationship instead of jumping ship as soon as the waves got rough. My current girlfriend has lots of various issues as well & I try to do what I can to help & support her. We both have our various issues & problems & limitations so we can both majorly s#ck at helping each other & dealing with life sometimes but we understand each other & accept each other better than anyone else does. I do NOT believe I can have a perfect relationship with anyone. Any relationship I would get in would have major issues & problems but we are both willing to try & work on them or we just accept that those problems would be there. I actually sought out women with so-called problems when I was single. I like women who are very dependent or codependent & who have emotional problems. Being able to relate & be supportive is my strong point within a romantic realtionship because I've been there. I was extremely unstable in my 1st relationship but she was as well & I was unstable in my 2nd relationship as well thou not as bad but I recently had a realization that I'm generally the stable one within my current relationship. Maybe needing to be someone's rock to turn to makes me more stable or something My current girlfriend is a very caring & loving person but she can not handle much sometimes cuz of her issues. She tries her best to put her family 1st & to be there for whoever needs her but she is not able to set boundaries & take care of herself like she needs to & she reaches her breaking point. She's studied a lot of psychology trying to understand herself better & to work on her own issues so she probably has a bit of Emotional Intelligence but applying that knowledge to herself is a problem. She also does lots of weird & quirky things that I find very funny & very cute. She's also a very affectionate person & I'm also very affectionate but ONLY within a romantic relationship. I generally prefer to be by myself doing my own things but within a romantic realtionship I like spending a lot of time with my partner but only with her, otherwise I'd usually prefer to be by myself. Cass has problems if she's by herself a lot but she does need some alone time but so do I at times so that's another way we're a good match.

Emotional intelligence, intelligence as a whole, very high sex drive, likes to travel, likes animated sitcoms, compassion/empathy.

After my ex, it became so much more apparent how much I appreciate compassion/empathy, emotional intelligence and social skills. Thankfully my current gf has all of those in spades. TBH though, the number one thing I seek isn't on this list, which is just plain compatibility. I don't want to be tied down or held back. I want harmony.

For example, if I were an instrument and my life were a tune, am I better off carrying that as a solo instrument, or should I seek out an instrument to accompany it that can produce a better melody in harmony than I could alone? The answer depends on how compatible that other instrument is to me. Does the tune it produces clash with mine, or does it enhance it?

I know far too many people, mostly NTs, who seem like they're not happy unless they're in a relationship, and for the years I was single, they always asked me why I didn't date more. The answer is simple: I'm not interested in being in a relationship to check off a box. Quite frankly, I'm better off being a solo act if that means I'm more free to be myself. I want companionship, but I want it to come without the cost of compromising who I am, and the things I like to do. If I can have that, then great. If not, then I'm perfectly happy not being in a relationship. Also, I don't need to be "completed". I'm already complete, thank you.

Thankfully, waiting seems to have worked out, so I'll also say that I'm glad I waited for the right person. That's another reason I don't understand why people get into relationships just to be in one.

I just realized i forgot to include one other attribute that Dr. Attwood mentions as a quality male Aspies seem to look for in a partner: GOOD MORAL CHARACTER...Interestingly, my beloved (Aspie)husband often says that i am a good person...

I generally go for women who are pretty independent. "Tomboy" types.

Partly, I suspect, so I'll get some time to pursue my interests while they're enjoying theirs, rather than being permanently in each other's pockets which is a recipe for disaster.

You'd be amazed how many outwardly strong characters suddenly morph back into stereotype and become very "Mumsy" and passive when they get into a relationship, though. If I wanted to make all the decisions all of the time for someone else as well as me, I'd get a dog