The Need for Romantic Intimacy

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^But I find you're okay in the reality which is now. I feel like what impairs you the most is probably your physical problems.

Doc, from "Back to the Future" was an eccentric guy----but he treated people decently, for the most part. If we had more people like Doc, I'd be satisfied.

I think of you as a Doc sort of guy. I'm not a Doc sort of guy because I'm not good at inventing things or electronic things.

I'm a romantic myself. A sort of "rose-colored" glasses type. Some people think I'm ridiculous in that aspect. I'm into the Hallmark Card sort of thing. And opening doors for ladies, stuff like that. The "chivalrous" aspect.

I'm not counseling against seeking romance. Far from it!

All I'm saying is that I was able to learn that there are "other things" in life. I had to put "romance" on the back burner, and allow it to sort of come to me in a sense.

I was a "desperate" man in my early 20s. And women were disgusted with me. And I was short, dressed badly, even had a "neckbeard" at one point. I had oblivious social skills, and said the "wrong thing" all the time. I knew I had to stop feeling sorry for myself.

My point is that TGI is upset.

We shouldn't attempt to change his feelings, or convince him not to be sad.

I know people have good intentions by suggesting that he focus on "other things".

He's done that. I assume he's still doing the best he can to meet people, and to keep busy.

It's still painful for him.

On a practical level, does anyone here know any single women in his age group in Australia?

I wish I did. He sounds like a nice bloke.

I'm not denying the man's pain. All I'm doing is suggesting ways to mitigate the pain.

I felt the same pain as him. I knew I had to act on it. I'm fortunate that I didn't feel that pain for long.

I don't know if what I'm doing constitutes offering a ladder for somebody in the Abyss....but that's my objective....to offer that ladder. I want to offer that ladder, and to have the person in the Abyss climb out of the Abyss using the ladder.

I don't believe in letting these sorts of things fester in my mind.

I think he's a nice guy, too.

He's allowed to feel pain, though.

I understand compassion and wanting to help, but that includes validating the way he feels.

No offence - but you've had a lot of partners despite the challenges you often describe.

To make a bad metaphor, it's like TGI is starving for food and people are saying:

"I was hungry once too, so I didn't think about it. Then I got all sorts of food. I ate for years. Some of the meals were amazing and some of them were forgettable or not worth having. I still eat quite often, but you shouldn't want any food. Go do other things. It's really not important for you."

By the way Hurtloam, I wish the same for you to find a nice person.

Food is an absolute requirement for survival. Intimacy isn't, but it might as well be. But I wouldn't put it on an exact par with food.

Did I ever say his pain is "invalid," and that he shouldn't feel it? If I felt that way, I'd be pretty ridiculous.

Growing up, I always felt "hungry for food," even though, objectively, I had "enough." This has caused me to have an eating disorder. I have the eating disorder, but I want to find my way out of it. I don't deny that I have it, though.

If somebody said I should seek to attend to my eating disorder, I would absolutely agree, though I might not act on the advice. The advice itself is valid, however, and not to be criticized. The ACT of giving advice should never be criticized.

I feel like it's absolute anathema NOT to offer some sort of solution to anything that demands a solution. People shouldn't tell me to just shut up and not offer advice at all. My advice might not be good by itself----but it might be good in conjunction with other advice.

I didn't tell you to shut up, and I wasn't writing directly for you or to anyone as a criticism.

It was in support of TGI's feelings, and that's all.

I admit it wasn't the best metaphor, but that's how it feels for TGI from what I understand. Romantic intimacy is something he wants, desperately. To that extent it's a type of emotional nourishment that he craves.

My main point is that we can support our friends when they're depressed, or allow them to be upset. We don't have to try erasing their feelings like they shouldn't exist. I say that as a general comment across all of WP, not just for TGI or this thread, which seemed to be straying from its purpose.

His original post said

"Does anyone have any ideas on how I can satisfy my need for romantic intimacy, where I find someone who has some interest in being romantic with me? Because I can't deal with having to keep feeling so romantically unfulfilled."

He's not looking for reasons to ignore this feeling.

Yes, Isabella is right to step in. We were being a bit too factual I think and not comforting at all.


Thanks.

The “factual” solutions given were in answer to his desire for advice. They weren’t a denial of his feelings.

Yes, I feel an acknowledgment of his pain, combined with the “factual” advice, would be good.

I didn’t mean that any specific person told me to shut up. I meant in general.

When I was younger and people were trying to focus my attention elsewhere I thought that they were saying that I wasn't good enough. "But I am!" I thought. "So they're wrong."

I missed the point. It's not about any of us not being good enough, nice enough or attractive enough. It's just we are in a limited bubble of people and we're just not clicking with the ones around us. There is no fault. No blame. Just circumstances.

You're good enough Grand Inquisitor. As Kraftiekortie often says, it's just bad luck of not running into the right people.

Our other suggestions are because we want you to be happy regardless of circumstances.

Yep. You're probably better than me physically!

I'm a short, shrimpy guy who doesn't work out. You're a strong-looking guy who works out. You have enough brains. I wish you were able to go to University.

I'd like to start by making an observation. Though I've only been here on Weird Planet a short time, each of the folks who have posted on page four of this thread: kraftiekortie, hurtloam, and IsabellaLinton strike me as kind-hearted. I've never seen any of you respond to anyone in a way I would characterize as flippant or thoughtless. If anything, we might have interpreted what 'help' would look like in this case but it seems clear that we're trying to help.

The OP asked, "Does anyone have any ideas on how I can satisfy my need for romantic intimacy, where I find someone who has some interest in being romantic with me? Because I can't deal with having to keep feeling so romantically unfulfilled."

It would be completely reasonable for someone to say to me that the following analogy isn't the same, but it seems close enough to me:

I'm a member of a twelve-step group. I probably qualify for membership in most of them, to be honest. First and foremost, I'm an addict. A lot of people with autism end up with addictions that began as a way to try and regulate. Personally, when I picked up for the first time, I was incredibly miserable and constantly suicidal - I figured I had nothing to lose. That was extraordinarily naïve and I soon learned that chasing something outside of myself, to fix what was going on inside, didn't work. If that was just my experience, I would have let it go at that but come May, I'll have thirty years clean. As part of that twelve-step organization I've see literally tens of thousands of addicts in that time - both NT and ND. What the OP is talking about is actually covered in an awful lot of the literature across many fellowships. One example, from the book that started the whole twelve-step movement says, "Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job- wife or no wife—we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people..."

It's not that I don't care about the newcomer walking into the room who says s/he can worry about his/her alcohol (or heroin or speed or...) problem later, but first s/he needs to find a job! I know they're hurting - and they're entitled to their feelings. In fact, they're more than entitled, I might even go so far as to say they have a responsibility to feel those feelings. That said, feelings aren't facts. When the alcoholic or addict tells me that they are in so much emotional pain that they need to have 'just one more' to get through whatever it is, I advise against it. The 28-year old autistic fellow with eight-eight days clean last Saturday, didn't take my advise. I'm going to his funeral tomorrow - this Saturday.

He's doing the equivalent of asking us how to score - not drugs, but his description of his [i]need[/i] is, to me, indistinguishable from a drug addict jonesing for a fix. It's been my observation that when people place conditions on their happiness, happiness will always elude them. I really, really want to see the OP happy so I've been suggesting things that I've found has worked. In hindsight, I probably should have taken a pass on this thread. I probably am, at least in part, hearing the desperation of the kid whose funeral I'm going to tomorrow in the OP's description of his need and projected some. Sorry about that. Here's some advice then to push forward in your quest:

Your desperation comes across loud and clear. It will be picked up on by your perspective love interests. Most sincere women are going to find this a complete and utter turn-off so I suggest you look for ways to hide it. Another good reason to hide it is because desperation is an aphrodisiac to predators. Even if you have nothing to lose, no money, no property, no ability to send her a plane ticket to come see you that she (or he masquerading as a she) will re-sell and pocket the money from - even if you don't have any of these things, they will keep your heart on the line until they are absolutely sure. The longer it takes them to figure out, the more pain you're going to experience when they ghost you.

A woman I know wrote a book called, "Be the Person You Want to Find". It's good advice. While you're looking, write down the qualities you want to find in a partner (gender-nonspecific qualities) and work on cultivating them in yourself. Like attracts like. Yes, I know there are exceptions to that - complete with sayings like 'opposites attract', but those tend to be drama-filled.

Lastly, I'm okay, I suppose, I am not all that in the looks department. I do have one quality that has served me well though and it is that when I have been in a relationship, they become the only woman in the world. I not only am not interested in anyone else, I don't even notice other women. As a result, I've been able to identify an interesting tendency that you might be able to utilize. When a good looking woman (obviously subjective/relative) and you pay her no mind - she WILL pay you mind. Even if she's not interested, most women will notice the only guy in the room that is not noticing them. Show up and make yourself available but hold back, let them come to you.

Thanks to everyone who's contributed to this thread.

My desire for romance set in at about age 12, and has persisted with an unwavering intensity ever since. That was over half my life ago now, and while so much has changed in the last 13 years, my relationship status has remained depressingly stagnant.

As a teenager, I was as interested in experiencing romance as I am now, and the idea of reaching adulthood without ever having cultivated a romantic relationship was unfathomable. Likewise, in my late teens and early 20s, I never would have thought that I'd make it to my mid 20s without ever having a girlfriend, and yet here we are.

Now, I can't fathom how anything could change, or why it would. It's too painful to go through life seeing others cultivate their relationships and partake in the romantic experiences I want while I'm perpetually unable to. I have intense unmet needs badgering me everyday, and my inability to satisfy them makes me feel inadequate, undesirable, lonely and frustrated. I don't see the value of a life where such an important element as romance is inaccessible to me, and I must instead reckon with the overwhelming distress caused by its perpetual absence. I'm not interested in accepting the role that life has given me as the autistic guy who really wants to date but can't.

I don't know how I'm supposed to put romance on the "backburner" or focus on other things and forget about finding someone when I'm constantly being plagued with this intense desire, feelings of inadequacy from not being able to satisfy it and reminders of the fact that being able to date is the norm, and I must just be an exceptionally undesirable individual. Even if I did put dating on the "backburner", that wouldn't stop me thinking about it all the time and being plagued by these feelings and desires. Nothing can stop that except satisfying them.

As to whether I'd be disappointed at how supposedly anticlimactic getting my first relationship might be, I think the only disappointment I'd feel is that it had to take this long to happen. There have been a handful of women online throughout the years whom I've ended up interacting with romantically, and having those interactions markedly lifted my mood and made me feel less depressed. If having a romantic texting partner makes me feel significantly better, then I would have to assume that having the real thing, assuming it was with a compatible person, would provide me with the greatest emotional satisfaction possible.

Ultimately my lacking romantic situation is depriving me of immense pleasure I could otherwise be experiencing, and inflicting a great deal of turmoil on me that is significant enough to make me question my will to live. The only way I can see to get rid of this turmoil and exchange it for pleasure is satisfying my romantic desires. If there's no way to do that, I can't see how I can lead a fulfilling life, because that turmoil isn't going to go away, and it overshadows everything.

I had to put romance on the "backburner"---because, otherwise, I would have gotten so frustrated that I might have done something stupid to make me lose my job.

I had to change my outlook.

As soon as I changed my outlook, and I became more flexible in how I went about obtaining romance, things got better for me.

The thought of romance didn't dominate my life, and I was able to cultivate my other interests. Women were interested in me with the other interests, rather than me who had an impending desire for a girlfriend. They didn't like me as the guy who was desperate for a girlfriend. They couldn't stand that guy.

I'm writing from my experience. I'm not telling you you should do what I did.

You have some advantages over me in terms of physically "being a man." That is a fact. But I feel shaving the beard would help quite a bit. But you feel it's a part of you, so I won't advise you to shave off your beard. When I had a beard, I looked pretty ridiculous. You probably look better in a beard than I did.