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Should I be disappointed that my gf makes fancy dinners?

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ironpony
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16 Dec 2021, 7:43 pm

cyberdad wrote:
ironpony wrote:
Oh okay. But what is it about people being so entertained by a partner's cooking if it takes up a lot of time?


I don't want to speak for double retired but I think what he's trying to say is a partner preparing a meal at home strengthens the bond between two intimate partners, builds upon the relationship and provides an opportunity for quality time and sharing.

From my perspective though, there are limits as home cooking is time consuming and stressful (even if one partner claims they find it therapeutic).


I find that taking too long and being too elaborate about it can be stressful. It's like there comes a point where the set up is not worth the pay off. But I see what you mean in the long run too.



cyberdad
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16 Dec 2021, 8:02 pm

ironpony wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
ironpony wrote:
Oh okay. But what is it about people being so entertained by a partner's cooking if it takes up a lot of time?


I don't want to speak for double retired but I think what he's trying to say is a partner preparing a meal at home strengthens the bond between two intimate partners, builds upon the relationship and provides an opportunity for quality time and sharing.

From my perspective though, there are limits as home cooking is time consuming and stressful (even if one partner claims they find it therapeutic).


I find that taking too long and being too elaborate about it can be stressful. It's like there comes a point where the set up is not worth the pay off. But I see what you mean in the long run too.


I think romanticising home cooking was done to death in many 90s rom com (and persists in modern drama), The reality is we don't have servants to source the ingredients in a market, clean and prep the kitchen, collect plates, cutlery and utensils, do the cooking toiling over a hot stove and finally clean the kitchen, wash the plates/cutlery, put them away, then throw out all the garbage (recycling/food scraps). Anyone who pretends doing all this isn't time consuming and stressful is kidding themselves.

My wife and I do home cooking 4-5 times a week and that's really pushing it. Another thing is it's not always cheaper than take out. We have done the sums and often the money we save isn't that substantial.



ironpony
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16 Dec 2021, 9:25 pm

Well also, I think that some frozen dinners, and homade frozen burritos for example, you just throw in the microwave are good too. But my gf is sick of that and cannot do that that much anymore, she says. But even on days we do not hang together, I will ask what she did that evening, and she will say how she spent the whole evening cooking things. It's like doesn't this person have anything else in her time to do but cook?



Double Retired
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17 Dec 2021, 10:16 am

ironpony wrote:
It's like doesn't this person have anything else in her time to do but cook?
OK. I think it is an Aspie trait to have thoughts simmering in the subconscious. Anyway, I have additional, not necessarily correct, thoughts.

1. Did she start doing this when the Pandemic started? If she is doing this to hide from COVID and avoid going out then I sympathize with her concerns. Cooking at home would seem to be a lot COVID-safer than many other activities. And this could affect your expectations:
-=-- See if there are activities she'd think were safer.
-=-- Consider that she might act differently when (if?!) COVID is tamed.

2. You raised this question on WP. Your WP profile does not display your diagnosis status and I have not searched all of your posts to see if you ever mentioned it. Are you discussing this on WP because of your known or possible diagnosis, or because of what you suspect her diagnosis might be? If you think she might be on the Spectrum then that changes things.

3. If "watching a movie together" is something you'd do in her living room, then maybe not a movie? There are fun TV shows with half-hour episodes (for instance, our current watching includes The Big Bang Theory). Maybe you could squeeze something shorter into the schedule?


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kraftiekortie
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17 Dec 2021, 10:27 am

I don't like frozen dinners, most of the time.

I'd rather either cook something, or go to a restaurant.



ironpony
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17 Dec 2021, 7:58 pm

So from the reactions then, when you are in a relationship, is it normal to for 80 percent of the relationship to be cooking then?



ironpony
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17 Dec 2021, 8:01 pm

Double Retired wrote:
ironpony wrote:
It's like doesn't this person have anything else in her time to do but cook?
OK. I think it is an Aspie trait to have thoughts simmering in the subconscious. Anyway, I have additional, not necessarily correct, thoughts.

1. Did she start doing this when the Pandemic started? If she is doing this to hide from COVID and avoid going out then I sympathize with her concerns. Cooking at home would seem to be a lot COVID-safer than many other activities. And this could affect your expectations:
-=-- See if there are activities she'd think were safer.
-=-- Consider that she might act differently when (if?!) COVID is tamed.

2. You raised this question on WP. Your WP profile does not display your diagnosis status and I have not searched all of your posts to see if you ever mentioned it. Are you discussing this on WP because of your known or possible diagnosis, or because of what you suspect her diagnosis might be? If you think she might be on the Spectrum then that changes things.

3. If "watching a movie together" is something you'd do in her living room, then maybe not a movie? There are fun TV shows with half-hour episodes (for instance, our current watching includes The Big Bang Theory). Maybe you could squeeze something shorter into the schedule?


1. Oh I am not sure if she did it because of the pandemic specifically but I can ask her.

2. Sorry for not mentioning, I and her are both on the spectrum.

3. We could do that but it still feels like such a large part of the relationship is cooking like 70-80% of it it seems, so I am still getting bored either way though, because of it.



cyberdad
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17 Dec 2021, 8:05 pm

ironpony wrote:
We could do that but it still feels like such a large part of the relationship is cooking like 70-80% of it it seems, so I am still getting bored either way though, because of it.


That's way too much, sounds like she's obsessed with the kitchen or has some phobia against other people preparing her food.



Last edited by cyberdad on 17 Dec 2021, 8:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ironpony
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17 Dec 2021, 10:31 pm

I don't know if she has a phobia. I mean the food was already handled by other people before she bought it, so what's the difference?

But also, she says she is just sick of not so good quickie meals.



cyberdad
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17 Dec 2021, 11:19 pm

ironpony wrote:
I don't know if she has a phobia. I mean the food was already handled by other people before she bought it, so what's the difference?

But also, she says she is just sick of not so good quickie meals.


What do you mean "handled by other people"? doesn't she wash her produce/meat?



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17 Dec 2021, 11:20 pm

She buys the meat, but the meat was still handled by someone else. For example, she bought steaks but those steaks were still cut out of the cow by someone else and washed.



cyberdad
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17 Dec 2021, 11:35 pm

ironpony wrote:
She buys the meat, but the meat was still handled by someone else. For example, she bought steaks but those steaks were still cut out of the cow by someone else and washed.


OFGS! we all wash, tenderise and cook meat after buying it from the butcher. There is zero percent chance of catching germs from a butcher or an abattoir if the meat has been properly handled and prepared for sale.



ironpony
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17 Dec 2021, 11:49 pm

Yes that is what I thought. So I guess she cannot be phobic of it therefore?



cyberdad
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17 Dec 2021, 11:50 pm

ironpony wrote:
Yes that is what I thought. So I guess she cannot be phobic of it therefore?


It's possible. You might have to talk to her.



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18 Dec 2021, 5:41 am

ironpony wrote:
2. Sorry for not mentioning, I and her are both on the spectrum.

That's relevant. Many autistic people (including myself) tend to be picky eaters. For some of us that's due to sensory sensitivities, and for some of us that's part of an attachment to routine.

Have you asked her if there's anything she can cook that she doesn't mind leftovering, so it can be less time-consuming the second time around?


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18 Dec 2021, 11:08 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
ironpony wrote:
2. Sorry for not mentioning, I and her are both on the spectrum.

That's relevant. Many autistic people (including myself) tend to be picky eaters. For some of us that's due to sensory sensitivities, and for some of us that's part of an attachment to routine.

Have you asked her if there's anything she can cook that she doesn't mind leftovering, so it can be less time-consuming the second time around?
I'm too new to the world of Autism so I can only ask this question, not answer it...

If she is on the Spectrum then might this cooking be a strong special interest? Or, a stim of some kind? Or, an OCD-like compulsion?


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