*sigh* The easiest way to get a date/relationship.

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The point is that it doesn't have to
be taking advantage. Merely offering
what they desire.

Isnt it also rather subjective on what the problem is?

Given our aspie nature, I'm not so sure that we can actually help all that much with some issues. From experience I've found that some women will tell you all the ills they have in the world, and my usual reaction is: well, lets see what we can do to fix them. A fight ensues, and i am left somewhat confused. Turns out that some women dont want helping, they just want someone to complain to.

Some emotional-based problems are completely beyond me. Some arent even repairable. Some will make YOU worse as well.
All this reminds me of a scene from Dogma.. where Jay and Silent Bob are hanging around outside an abortion clinic, looking to pick up chicks, based on the logic they must be sluts because theyre at an abortion clinic.

I get the feeling that somewhere in this theory, there is a misplaced logical leap. Possibly it is the fact that someone having problems is looking for help with those problems. Help and Support can be found in a man, but where are you when, or if, those problems go away?

(i am speaking kindly and with a sincere desire to attempt help because i want for you to feel less annoyed.)

if you are confused/frustrated by this, maybe it would help to see it from my personal perspective as a girl-- when i am accused of "complaining" it may look like i am just vent/ranting and want to just talk AT someone and not have a discussion or a problem solving session--- this is kind of true, but i want that because speaking out loud helps me to slow down and put my thoughts in order better-- if i am frustrated, my inner-voice is too sad/panicked/confused to think--- and speaking to an actual person helps to force me to "make sense", so that is how the other person IS helping me, but i also can think of my own solutions once i am able to process it, so when boys want to "fix" the problem, i sometimes (and probably some other women) am just not ready for that part yet, because it is too stressful, and also-- having someone listen makes you feel like someone cares, which is also happy and calming. when i have to listen to other girls do this, it annoys ME as well, but i find that if i ask (usually my NT sister) at the beginning of a rant, "am i supposed to listen OR do you want solutions and advice?" it helps a lot, because if i KNOW my role is just to sit and not talk, it doesn't annoy me and i feel happy that i am helping someone.

so my point, is that if you think of "complaining" like therapy, you may feel slightly less homicidal.

I can understand the need to vent ( I do it myself), I just have great difficulty with getting yelled at for what is, after all, a well-meant gesture. Even more so when it isnt just a gesture, but a definite solution. Of course, this may have been a character flaw of the woman in question, and is not neccessarily reflective of all women.

My theory (or philosophy) is that there is no point getting bent out of shape and upset over a problem that can be fixed, especially an easy one. An example:

My partner at the time was a short (and short-tempered) person, of no great physical presence, other than in volume and appearance. (Ie shes not exactly tough-looking.) At college, she became the target for a small campaign of bullying from another student. Whether she brought this on herself or not is a moot point, as nevertheless she was understandably upset, and it disrupted her experience and learning. As I understand it, the student made amorous advances, and took offence at being knocked back.
Of course, I became the ear for her complaints about this, and shortly a solution presented itself to me. It would be a simple matter for me, and other people of my partners aquaintance, to be seen in her company at the college. No suggestion of physical violence was made, but I was aware that the implication of painful retribution on this student would almost certainly end the problem. (I am reasonably imposing, as are my friends, and somewhat older than the bully as well.)
Of course, this suggestion ended up in an argument.
Not long after, I and my housemate occasioned to be at the college with my partner (quite by accident.) The bully in question saw us, and you could actually see him transparently doing the maths. We did nothing intimidatory in any way. We were simply there in association with my partner. Subsequently, the bully in question was reported to have become polite, well-mannered, and actually helpful towards my partner, and even mentioned his fear that her boyfriend and his mates would "kick the living s**t out of him without breaking a sweat."
Not that being proven right avoided more arguing, I might add.

Nevertheless, the "help" that was offered, was a solution. It DID help, and she lost a whole aspect of her life that was upsetting her. I have a difficult time with the fact that offering and carrying out solutions is the cause of so much issue and upset. Its a bit of a Catch 22, or at least it is with NT women, as the best thing I can do given my aspie nature, is logicaly work out the best way to solve the issue, and carry out the solution. Just listening and hugging causes ME distress, especially when I know I can solve the problem.

After all, nobody ever called the A Team up and said "I have a problem, but I dont want you to actually do anything about it."

No offence, jkrane, but didn't you mention in a thread that you've never been in a relationship? Besides, I'd say it's taking advantage of someone emotionaly vulnerable when you're just dating them to feel good yourself.

I've never been in a serious relationship myself though, girls only want to be friends ...

About the whole issue of solving a problem vs. complaining. I've come across it a number of times. So now, if a girls starts talking to me about her problems, I ask her: "do you want a solution, or do you just want to vent?" They get this look on their faces like they've just been unmasked, and more often that not, they say they just need to talk about it. If so, I respond by saying: "all right, just keep it short." After all, I'm not looking to be a free therapist.

[quote="Macbeth] Just listening and hugging causes ME distress, especially when I know I can solve the problem.
"[/quote]

yes that is true for me too. hmmm. well, i guess i don't have a good suggestion as to how to avoid that, just how i reduce it by trying to focus on how i am giving someone what they want/are asking for.

i hate being yelled at too, but i still yell at others... people just don't seem to understand how serious i am about until i yell... example:

go away. (then) i wanna be alone for a sec. (then) that means please don't keep talking. (then) I HATE YOU I HATE YOU GET THE f**k AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID f**k!

sigh. interpersonal skills take so much effort/focus/energy.

yes that is true for me too. hmmm. well, i guess i don't have a good suggestion as to how to avoid that, just how i reduce it by trying to focus on how i am giving someone what they want/are asking for.

i hate being yelled at too, but i still yell at others... people just don't seem to understand how serious i am about until i yell... example:

go away. (then) i wanna be alone for a sec. (then) that means please don't keep talking. (then) I HATE YOU I HATE YOU GET THE f**k AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID f**k!

sigh. interpersonal skills take so much effort/focus/energy. [/quote]

Well, in the end i developed the scheme of: if I can fix it, just go ahead and do it anyway. The shouting you get after a problem is fixed is usually less than trying to mention it during a venting session.