What would you do if I were your boyfrend and told you this?

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Well, there you go. There is a name for everything. Perhaps the hypothetical girlfriend I talked about would be more understanding if I explained her this condition.

It would seem that I have had this so called "madonna-whore" complex for most of my life but i'm a woman; gender queer, and bisexual, and don't think "madonna-whore" complex is very useful way to decribe my sexuality.

Instead i have realised that i may have an unexpressed BDSM sexuality; that is i haven't dared to, or known enough to, or known how to, find someone with whom to express what is pretty seriously dodgy power dynamics likely to end up in an abusive situation with someone, if not carefully negotiated with the person before hand, not something i'm too keen on doing!

I discovered, by the time i was 31, that the men, and women, that i loved to talk with, admired, respected, treasured, etc did not work out as sexual partners; that in fact sex with them was often the kiss of death, because not only was it never a success sexually but it often wrecked the friendship/profound and passionate companionship, ( in all cases but two, where friendship was salvaged, if damaged ) whereas fleeting moments of sex with virtual strangers if dynamic was right were often great.

I came close to changing this depressing pattern with a guy when i insisted on taking every stage very slowly, and i mean slowly, over weeks and weeks, which he was happy with until an unfortunate Personal Development course we both went on encouraged him to think we should go for it, and he persuaded me, i inclined, ... and it was the wreck. The closest i ever came to putting love and lust together,... down the drain, in the space of less than an hour. It always feels just as sad.

I wonder whether it might have something to do with sensory issues; that too fast, literally anything more than snails pace over long long periods of time, can be too overwhelming or something. Don't know.
Recent reading about the proprioceptive system, and how its compromise/disturbance in infancy by enforced immobility, including too early reading, not just time spent in buggy/pushchairs when want to crawl instead,etc, disturbs motor skill development and a secure sense of ones body, so that personal boundaries feel unsafe/weak/fluid, and if shut eyes lose touch with where body is etc, makes me wonder whether this may have something to do with it.

For instance my difficulty in experiencing touch as reciprocal, my sense that one is either "touchER" OR "touchEE"; having trouble "feeling" them both at same time, means that sex ( developed) at anything but snails pace becomes rapidly for me a case of active/passive dynamics, which only remains sexually-exciting if feel free to play in those roles, which is not something i want to do with someone i want to stay "equal" with! ( unless could arrange the roleplay beforehand).

Sartre and de Beauvoir were passsionate lovers without having sex.

i understand this "problem"; In absence of solution have recently tended to resign myself to idea that if ever have a passionate relationship again in my life will be an above the shoulders fully clothed kind of passion. ( Or one in which i have the clarity and courage to take forever. )

Touche, ouinon! You have given me much food for thought. What you've said, describes me perfectly. I never thought about the proprioceptive aspects of this. That snail's pace approach may have been what was missing in my love life. I have never understood what was needed, or how to obtain it, and so have gradually become asexual. (Of course, health problems make a low libido anyway).

I'm going to bounce a second question off of the first....

In my particular case, I'm very reserved if attempting to do something that I've never done before... If I had a girlfriend (hypothetically), and she wanted to have sex, and I refused based on the fact that If I were to attempt to have sex with her, I would somehow screw it up to the point where she would leave me anyway, would she still leave me?

Chronic illness can lower the sex drive, too.

I could never be with someone who was asexual. But on the other hand, I could never be with someone who was promiscuous either.

Tim

For some reason, I was thinking about this, and I thought an asexual relationship might work for you. But then what if one of you gets attached to your sex partner?

What if there's a couple of days to a week where you or your girlfriend have a higher sex drive than usual. Let's say it's your girlfriend. So both of you are sitting at home laughing and talking. Then a couple minutes later she tells you she has to go to have sex, after accidently touching your body. So she's gone for a couple of hours, and you're left there at home, watching tv, eating a sandwich. She comes in the door, exhausted, smiles at you, then goes to bed. Same thing happens the next day, except she's gone longer, and the next day, she's jsut so tired that she actually spends the night in the other guy's bed. What if she sees the same guy more than once? What if the other guy starts stroking her hair after sex, maybe cuddling her for ten minutes or so, holding her close in his bed. What if he starts to kiss her on her cheek as gratitude for sex, then giving her a squeeze, and telling er sweet things in her ear. What if on her birthday she got a present from him, a sex toy or even something not sexual. What if he started joking with her and she started spending more time with him, because her drive is increasing? Then she jsut comes to cuddle with you for a couple of hours, clean your house, then go t work to spend then night with a guy she sees in a sexual way. What if she enjoys his conversation or his company, and they start doing other thngs together before they go home to have sex? People can get attached, and I can see how a relationship wouldnt last, and she or even you, might start liking the other person and your relationship is bust.