Why does this always happen to me?

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Ok I take back the "all women are hypocrites" thing I said.


All women that I have met and been interested in a romantic relationship with are hypocrites.

These are called "Qualification Obstacles." They're what people use when they don't want to hurt your feelings, but still want to discourage you from trying.


That's Issue #1. She already had someone else in mind, and didn't want to mess up her chances with him.


I agree. Pretending to be concerned for your feelings, and then behaving in a deceitful manner seems to qualify.


Don't bother. You may be selecting women with the same behavior traits, and thus you end up skewing the data sample in the wrong direction. Maybe only 5% of all the women in the world behave that way, but you find yourself consistently interested in that type, and end up with 95% of your experiences being the same - they must all have some common trait that attracts you.

Try approaching a woman that is unlike the others, and see if she behaves any differently (but do so only with the sincerest of ethical intentions).

So you are saying my statistical methods are biased. Possibly. I have thought I have been trying different women, though admittedly they've been within a fairly narrow subset. I might try in the future to gather statistics from a broader base.

The oddest thing ... when I stopped trying to meet a specific "type" of woman, I ended up meeting the woman that is now my wife. And she has none of the traits (other than great looks) that I found in all the rest. She's smart, honest, sincere ... et cetera.

Just relax and let it happen.

I believe the best strategy would be the one I had already decided to pursue, which was to give up on the whole dating thing and just try to focus on myself. Mind you, if I can find a good fornication-buddy, I would not be averse to that .

Then I want her to tell me that instead of being misleading. If the person can't be honest with me, they are not worth my time anyway.

Then you should be glad of the near miss.

I agree.

KenM, I think you would be better off just 'walking away' from this woman, and consider it all a 'learning experience.'

You are better off without her.

This is about the 50th "learning experience" I've had in a row.

Then you should have learned something other than to blame the women for the problem, as the greatest common denominator in all cases is you.

Isn't one of the great things about being aspie though the ability to say that you are perfectly sane and that the entire rest of the world is f****d up?

Isn't that a great thing about simply being human?

Yeah, but aspie especially, we're a lot better at it.

Hi Ken

Hope some of what I am about to say might help, even if to make you feel a bit less isolated in this.

This isn't an NT/AS thing. This happens to everybody. There simply are a lot of people out there who have trouble being blunt, especially in romantic settings. Especially we, as women, are often raised to 'be tactful' and 'spare someone's feelings' if at all possible. It is very hard to go against years/decades of social programming simply because one person requests we do so. So, when you say "be blunt" our decoder interprets that, oftentimes, I think, as "tell me what I want to hear" or "let me down gently". But it isn't a concerted effort to make you feel miserable later. It's social programming at fault. Darn near hard-wired that way in fact.

But it isn't because you are AS and they are NT. Understanding it as a social phenomenon may help you realise that this is the likely result if you ask for bluntness and perhaps to think of another approach.

Maybe going further back. It sounds as if you keep getting 'stuck in the friend zone'. Without observing at least a few of these interactions there's no way I can say why this happens. But, as a woman, I know that the men for whom I felt no sexual 'fire' were likely to end up there. And the reason for that was usually that they exhibited no sexual interest quickly enough. Simply put, if he didn't make a slightly flirtatious or even slightly risque comment (not gross but risque maybe) or make a physical move (like a goodnight kiss - I'm not saying tackle her) by the 2nd or 3rd date, then it was likely I switched off even looking/hoping for such a signal. And I would never believe after that, he was seriously interested in me 'that way'. But that could just be me.

I never liked games, either. I always asked for people to be straight-up with what they thought and felt also. But no one was. I think that's more a human trait and a self protective one. People like to keep their cards close to their chest so THEY don't get hurt either. There is a little of back and forth, come here/ go away even when people ARE interested. Being a bit unavailable seems to heighten interest. Yet you have to let them know there's a spark. No wonder so many people get confused (and definitely not just Aspies!). They call it a mating dance for a reason.

There are books out there which try to decode romantic pursuit. Maybe some will help. Body language can be learned. You can find books on that also. Or take acting classes, those might help. Acting students study body language and vocal inflections and classes can help put people at ease with their own voices/bodies. Others are often attracted to people who move and speak well.

I also agree with the person who said, do not stay friends with women you want more from. It will only frustrate you and waste your time. Somewhere out there is the lid for your pot.