"friends"

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And how many people have you crapped on? Do you know? How many people feel like they were used, ignored or treated badly by you? You don't know.. because you aren't them. You can only perceive how you feel not how someone else feels. It's possible that you are unaware of how you treat them and you tend to get what you give.

It's so easy to sit back and give up and blame everyone else. That's not quite fair to put the burden of your happiness on everyone else. Who bears the burden of their happiness? You?

Perspective.. you can only see it from your own eyes.

I really don't feel like I'm patronizing or belittling on any level. I know you guys feel terrible about yourselves for being rejected, but I'm giving some pointers on how not to. And I wouldn't assume I don't know at all, as I once thought I'd be alone the rest of my life, too. Being a very unattractive girl is pretty much a crime in this day and age. I've been rejected from jobs because of my looks, let alone potential suitors. It's a f*****g nightmare, to be frank, and it's caused a lot of pain I've had to deal with.

However angry I've been, I have not wished those who've rejected me serious pain and torture. At no point will I, given the understanding I have. As a woman, I want to speak for myself in this thread, because not only do we have to go through rejecting men who've already been rejected before, but we have to fear the consequences. I will not back down on that. I'm speaking out about something that's destructive to everyone, and I don't think there's any sort of need for it, even if it's understandable (and, yes, I understand the pain).

It's one thing to gripe, and lots of you guys do that. Even if that gets tiring, I usually don't open my mouth until I feel like someone is either getting hurt, or will be potentially hurt. If this is patronizing, forgive me. I have very little patience for it, unfortunately, in myself or anyone else. That may be my fault, but when I see someone wanting to kill themselves because they've never had a date, or had sex, painful or not, I see other options available. When this is followed by malicious sentiments, it raises my hackles. Are you suggesting I not say anything at all?



Right, I understand that. I just really don't feel it needs to be that way. We all go through traumas and rejections, and it's up to us to muscle through the pain in a more constructive way.

Anyway, I can certainly back down. I feel belittled since I get the feeling my points are moot due to being one of those 'rejecting women,' and thus I can't possibly know pain. Of course, no one actually knows, since I don't talk about it on here, I simply may hint at it. I try my personal best to deal with things in a constructive manner, though I obviously fail here and there. Trying to help, because of my woman status, has made me 'patronizing' at this point.

Well, Ken, I wish you luck, really. It actually hurts to see you as you are, and for what I feel is a preventable and curable complex that doesn't need to be fixed by having a relationship. I really feel your only out now is to try to get a healthier perspective and try again, with a whole self, and not the fractured self you've become due to being rejected as a mate.

OK, maybe I overreacted and made some unfair comments. I'm sorry.

I'm never going to raise my hand to hurt someone. No matter how much I feel they hurt me. But I do belive in karma and hope they get what they deserve.

Yes I would rather women be honest with me and tell me they are not attracted to me then lie to me saying they want to stay friends when they don't. I'm honest with them, Its about respect.

As far as my money situation and housing, I consider myself lucky the have a very secure job right now and no danger of loosing it. I also own a house and pay a morgage, have decent car, ect.. But i still don't get anywhere with women.

Thanks for all the kind words.

Hey there are always exceptions, and you gotta help yourself. I have no idea how some of you act outside this board, but if you're having the same problem over and over and doing the same things (did someone say they got fired multiple times for "nothing"? Sheesh! Warning sign right there that the rest of the world is perceiving you differently than you perceive yourself), you're just spinning your wheels.

I don't have a problem with the whining, even yours (and let's not have a meltdown moment again between the two of us) -- for sure, this is a place to vent. But I get the distinct idea a lot of guys here are really passive and just constantly curled up in a fetal position emotionally instead of friggin taking action, seeing a professional, getting out, making friends, doing something.

You, Toad, have actually showed some promise lately in your comments -- you seem aware you need to snap out of the rut you are in, and ruts are what keeps Aspies (and NTs) down. Don't regress.

My "life gets better by 30" (for me it was by the time I was 21) applies to people that take positive action and get out of their rut, stop self-destructive behaviors, and pay attention to the world around them. If you're an a**hole and don't want to change or adjust, being 30-40 and rich isn't going to help you.

And yep, chicks use guys when we're teens -- that's why we use them back when we're in our 20s. But like I said before, only if you're not a loser. You gotta not want to be a loser -- if you embrace being a loser and relish being alone, sad, depressed, and hope people will feel sorry for you, well, you're not going to go anywhere. I think we've all been there, and it's the easy thing to do, but not the right thing to do.

So true. Anyone else here remember the part in "The Godfather" when the Frank Sinatra substitute (Jonny Fontaine) starts crying in the Godfather's office and he lays into him?

"BE A MAN!"

No one's going to feel sorry for you like a small child, get you laid, marry you, etc. Women want a guy to do that for THEM, not the reverse. Sorry guys, you were born with a pair of external gonads, and in this society, this means you get to be the strong one in the relationship.

Fair enough...


Try being bludgeoned with a stick constantly... you'll be in a fetal position too... Sure, one hit won't do much, but repeated strikes can cause incredible damage...


As far as I know, I haven't changed... you're just seeing more of what I'm like in other areas, where I'm actually, believe it or not, quite normal...


I don't use women. I find that morally reprehensible to just "use" someone in such a fashion...


What about if you're forced to be alone? That's where I am (at least in the love department)... given my full-time college studies and the rest of my free time dedicated to my church, unless women in their early 20s start showing up at my church or the male:female ratio moves closer to 1:1 at my school (right now 4:1 male-to-female), my options are rather non-existent. I just don't have any time to look anywhere else.

I don't *relish* being alone; quite the opposite. And in terms of just general acquaintances, I fully realize that I'm certainly not alone... I have all the people from the church. But since my church is decidedly lacking in the 18-25 crowd, that means that there's no potential love interests there...

You're right, it is disturbing. What happens a lot of the time is, I compare the relationship I'm in to the normal sort of romance where young, conventional guy meets young, conventional girl, and there being a simplicity and innocence to it. On the other hand, the situation I'm in is rather unusual. 35 years old, and never had a girlfriend before. After talking to someone across the world's largest ocean on the phone for four years, I finally go to meet them in person. Get along like a house on fire, in the sense of there being a strong rapport. Holed up for a week in a snowstorm. Go grocery shopping together, waiting half an hour in 17degF for a taxi. Retain an incredible bond in the face of it all. Make plans to get married in June, with her then applying for residency here. It seems so complicated, and I often wish it were much simpler. But that's not an option. We're two complex, non-stereotypical people, and that's that. It would be a terrible waste to give up on this because of my despondency, it really would.



Regarding that song, I always freaked out the wholesome, innocent Sunday-school types, anyway! Not from living an immoral lifestyle, mind you, but being too eccentric and inquisitive-minded, and at the same time not having very good earning prospects to fulfil the traditional male role.

(sigh.) Wouldn't it be easier to take someone's word for it, instead of projecting? To assume the best instead of the worst?

Ruts are not all bad. Sometimes you need time to heal. And to think of a better strategy. This is a perfect place to hang out while you're in that rut, healing and looking for ideas. If someone is here and talking, it's because he has NOT given up.

best advice in the entire thread, hands down

The problem is that women want a man who already has his life in order. You can't get your life in order if you're obsessing about relationships. A lot of them probably just fear the suffocation.

And as far as the 'friends' bit, that means they're not interested, and they don't want to be rude. Chances are, most of them would be a little peeved if you started hanging around them after that. It's a bit like asking 'how are things going?' Most people aren't expecting a two hour speech about your morning coffee. They just want a simple "I'm fine, you?"

Really, your only solution is to quit worrying about it, and quit trying to get a date. It seems very counter-intuitive, but if you quit focusing on dates, get out in the world, become active in an organization that means something to you, you'll find a lot more attention than you would otherwise.

It's a bit like cutting someone open with a scalpel and injecting them with arsenic to save them from cancer. Counter-intuitive, but it's the best option you have, especially when the Gamma Knife is on back-order.

In theory a good idea. Not so much in practice. I dedicate almost all of my free time (i.e. not spent at school or work or schoolwork) at my church (which means a lot to me)... lack of interest isn't so much my issue, as is lack of women.... or really anyone in my age group... the few women I come across that are in my age range I have to be very careful around... I can't just apply the shotgun method in such a scenario...

Ok, it does help if those organizations put you around women your own age. I should qualify my answer a bit to include that you should put yourself around the people you would be interested in dating, just as long as you could see reason to be there even if there weren't any women.

Simply put, if you like animals and Star-Trek hang around an animal charity instead of your local Star-Trek convention.

Killing oneself is definitely a big waste. It can never be worth it, no matter what the cause may be.

I have never been able to get into a relationship with a woman in that way either. Although I feel pretty good anyway, I'm almost like a hermit inside. Think about that!

Maybe you like this link (?): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide