Sort of Frightening

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TOS, I think that certain guys attract a disproportionate share of these women, just like certain women seem to attract or pick abusive jerks.

My thinking is that certain women (and men) get through life using guys like you (and me before I got wise to it and started being a jerk back) to do things for them. They have this honed to an art - it really is no effort for them to ask, because they know guys like you are easy prey, being emotionally starved for affection and female contact. Sharks know where to find fish, wolfs know where to find sheep, and users know where to find guys who don't have other options right now, or who are too nice to push back.

What really sucks is that women like that scare away (either passively or actively) women who really are interested in you as a person. Get them out of your life ASAP, they only sour your chances and make you bitter.

Wow hector, I'm sorry to hear that.

You are definitely forgiven, I too have had some bad experiences with people just in general. That's probably why I don't normally bring my diagnosis up.

I wish stuff like this was more talked about because I know for me, the name-calling and bullying can really lead up to self esteem issues. These women sound extremely shallow as well as ignorant. I usually try and stay away from those kinds of people but it's hard around my age even though they're suppose to be "mature". But also you gotta realize, not all women are like that. I for one, don't judge a buy by his condition but I have always been very shy and did not know about aspergers till only 3 years later which explains a lot of this crap of trying to "fit in".

You're a good looking guy so I don't know why all females would reject you. I know rejection for the most part is painful. But I've seen many people just move on....and I also have a problem with moving on or even showing interest for that matter. It's something that terrifies me b/c I also am afraid they'll reject me or find out what I'm really about. The last guy I dated became a completely different person than when I first met him. He called me all kinds of names because I had trouble being "outgoing" or "wild" enough for him.

Anyway, just realize that there are really good females out there and these girls you just talked about don't deserve your time of day. There are very shallow females as well as guys. Personally I don't get along with clubbers....maybe I'm stereotyping but those are the type of people that have come off shallow and fake with me. Most people that were my friends were nothing but the opposite. I'm starting to realize the little red flags in people that I wasn't aware of then.

You seem to be the most articulate and able to understand here on this love and dating forum. I get very defensive when I hear guys just bash women like they were all cow. But this helps when you explain your personal experiences with these particular girls. Maybe we might get a bigger picture as to what type of girls we're talking about rather than it exclusively being just they're gender.

I too apologize. I can very defensive and blunt when I feel the need to. Sometimes logic or chosing the right words is beyond me.

I keep seeing this statement: Women can get "laid" easier than guys. Well, speaking for myself, I never desired to just "get laid." I am more desirous of a relationship. Now bear in mind that I am not speaking for all females. But there is something inherently cheapening, in the concept of a purely sexual, one time encounter, than a relationship that may or may not progress to sex. I guess I find that statement irritating, for some reason.

And if a guy has cash, or hasn't cash, that would not be a significant factor in the decision to enter into a relationship. I say not significant, because I would want to know why a man is, for instance, living at home with his mother when he is in his 40's, and not working. If this person was working towards goals that built his sense of self worth, training, schooling, self employment, etc. I would not mind.
But if they were looking to live off of me, that would be a turn off.

aspies do this to everyone who doesn't 100% bend over backwards for them (most commonly NTs) then whine when the world doesn't treat them perfectly, after they trash NTs or girls over and over
men here seem to have no idea what girls want-and refuse to learn because its "hard" and think blaming girls here will get them somewhere (or something-truth told I have no idea what they think)
Obviously its not the girls' fault-people like what they like-you can't force them to like you
I'm single, but I am just fine with it, life is going pretty well for me, and usually momentum like this goes for awhile (and since I am getting older I have more of a hold on things
sure it sucks I don't have a girlfriend-but hey I got friends, my health, I am getting a job, passing high school, getting a new fish tank, publishing my book! Other s**t too
I mean, that sounds pretty good to me!
People need to realize that getting a girlfriend won't equal perfect happiness, and have to work on themselves and change with the world around them-the world WON'T change for you!
and trashing it on the internet is doing no one any good...

Sigh.

Don't just selectively quote, i suspect that many of the guys who post feel the same way. I certainly do. I never had sex outside of a relationship that lasted for more than a year. If I had my druthers, it would have been longer than that. But it wasn't my choice. They dumped me. And they weren't particularly polite about it. I don't blame them, I didn't f\ulfill their needs. And that was my fault. Did I mention that I suck at relationships?

The fact of the matter is that many of the males who howl about women would much rather have a relationship than just getting laid. Like most female aspies. This is a common factor. But the fact remains that if I and you decided we wanted sex with no other restrictions, you'd reach the goal long before I would. If we wanted a relationship, well, I would probably get there before you. Which is the particular hell of AS.

I cherish every relationship I have ever had with the opposite sex. My most cherished relationship is one that never got beyond hugs. While I might have wished it would have gone further, it didn't. And that relationship has gone longer than you have been alive, A lot longer.

The point being is this is something that goes beyond mere sex. Sex is easy for a female. Tougher for a male. But, you know, sex isn't the goal. Despite the hormones. Relationships are. And that is the unacknowledged goal of both males and females. And it is much tougher for females with AS than males. That needs to be recognized and understood.

That being said, how do you feel about older guys?

Older than what?

hot damn. smooth, very smooth.

Oh, believe me, once I figured that out, I ended up getting a couple dozen women out of my life entirely... And believe me, the s**t really hit the fan when that happened, because I ended up hurting a lot more women (including a lot of bystanders) in one day than had ever hurt me in the rest of high school... not exactly my best moment, but I did what had to be done to protect myself...

That's also where I subconsciously burned out the ability to be attracted only to the physical out of my mind... which had the side-effect of making me slower than hell to catch on that some theoretical woman may actually like me (even slower than I was in high school), and made me a bit more distrustful of women that show "interest" straight off the bat without getting to know me first... Sometimes I wonder, even if some woman actually happened to be interested in me, would I be in any position to do anything about it?

Heh. Perfect response.



Just trying to show the punks how to do this.

The fact of the matter is that many of the males and females here are on the same page. From what I've read, most of the guys here would kill to be in a relationship. Sex tends to cloud their judgment, and fuel their rage, But most of these guys would bend over backwards for the opportunity to spend a quiet evening watching a movie, holding hands. If there was one or more hugs in there, well...

In fact, I'd be interesting if one of you females were to put up a poll. The subject would be the choice between the above, say every Friday night and an anonymous one night stand. I am pretty sure the results would be an eye opener.

Wow, hope the moment where you set them straight was verbal and not physical.....

I think the question you ask is the right one -- are you prepared to make good on someone else's interest in you? It might be a lot easier than you think, but it does require some changes in your life, how you spend your time, your comfort zone, etc.

No, it wasn't physical, but let's just say it involved me calling a bunch of women sluts... including some that didn't have any malicious intent, although I suspected them at the time...


Even though the above events took place 4 years ago, I'm still a bit trigger happy to disconnect women from my life if they show the slightest signs of malicious intent... being used like a power tool is not fun, and like the reactions I have to any traumatic situation, this has evolved into an automatic reflex for me...

I'm a pretty nice person, if I say so myself, but I do worry sometimes if I will end up as a control-freak jerk and that frightens me. That insecurity aside, I'm suprised nobody has touched on a different problem: the situation where the people who like you aren't the ones whom you like. That is really annoying, because as somebody said however willing you are for a relationship (I don't understand why so many people put so much emphasis on sex) it doesn't make the slightest difference if you are incompatible personality-wise. I'm not saying this justifies the name-calling but it certainly could account for a lot of the disappointment and bitterness. However, let's not forget the stereotyping women have for men: the womanisers, the people who are only interested in sex, the chauvenists...etc. These are not healthy opinions either, and lots of women are as bitter against men as men are against women. So really, we're all stuffed!

I suppose it must get interesting when an aspie girl and an aspie boy are attracted to each other since neither can read each other's body language very well. Are the 'rules' different, perhaps? Frankly, I'm too nervous about how others will see it to offer much in the way of emotional help. That's not to say I can't comfort people, but I may come accross as less emotional and affectionate than I actually am. And yes, I don't know when hugging is appropriate in most circumstances, though I really like them and wish I could have a few more! It's weird to see NT girls hugging each other all the time and I'm like..."Huh? But we're not allowed to do that!". Boy to boy hugs are odd and boy to girl hugs are...suggestive. If it's a girl I either have to ask or insist if I feel it is necessary to comfort them. Boy to girl physicality is 'dangerous' in my mind.

Anyway, back to the topic in hand: name-calling isn't justified but the causes may be understandable.

Aspies usually have their own subtext of communication that NT's often don't pick up on just as aspies have their own issues even noticing that NT body language is even happening... I've found it far easier to identify with aspies than with NTs. Maybe it's just the similar mental configurations, maybe not... I can't really tell why, but I know that such is the case...

I think that was touched upon in a topic about stalkers. Lots of people shared stories about being stalked by people that they weren't interested in.




I've always thought that, too. I used to go to support groups where the men would line up for hugs. I suffered there, until someone pointed out that it was okay to say no to hugs.

Okay, let's get specific in a vague general sort of way. There's that confidence thing.

It seems that when women talk about what they find attractive in a man, confidence gets mentioned an awful lot. When men are talking about what they find attractive in women, confidence doesn't come up near as often, if at all. This might be one of those cases where there's an actual gender difference. I don't know.

Anyway, I remember reading a while back about a study somebody did on black American high school students. They gave the students some kind of test that measured confidence, then they looked over the students records in academics, music, sports, and extracurricular activities.

They found the students who were more confident were more successful, so they suggested that schools should come up with programs to build confidence so the students would do better.

Somebody commenting on the study suggested that they had gotten cause and effect backwards, that maybe instead of confidence producing success, success produces confidence.

Makes sense to me. It's easier to believe you're going to succeed when your past record isn't utter failure.

In my own experience, it doesn't seem like confidence is generalizable. There's a few things I'm pretty darn good at, and if I'm doing one of those things, I'm automatically confident. I don't have to try to develop confidence. I know I can do those things well.

Unfortunately, making a good impression on people in person isn't one of the things I do well. In fact, it's something I'm piss poor at. Contrary to what some people seem to think, this isn't a preconception, it's the only possible conclusion based on a lifetime of experience.

I don't think I could do a convincing imitation of pretending I was confident that my car is going to get hit by a meteor at noon tomorrow and I'm going to get lots of money because a computer glitch made the insurance company think my beat up old Toyota was a new Rolls Royce. That sort of thing doesn't happen, kinda like having somebody enjoy being around me.

I'm not sure there's a way around this.

I never found anything wrong with boy-to-boy hugs or boy-to-girl hugs, it might be a family thing: the traditional greeting between my family is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks (or the air next to your cheek, I still haven't figured out that one). I've also found that both genders are about equally likely to not want hugs.


Instinctively I'd ask if someone got there cause and effect backwards, being successful sounds like its going to make you more confident naturally.

I think self improvement is the best chance. I don't think fakeing anything is the right way to build a long term relationship, but self improvement is probably possible.