If you're 27 and never had a girlfriend, is it too late?

Post Reply New Topic

Do you have any sources or maybe a theory explaining this?

If I have one consolation it is this. I've often heard people say they're lucky to have found someone. If that's the case then it means being in relationship is not expected.

They say no one is entitled to a relationship. I'm sure that's very true but doesn't make sense when people say we're expected to be in a relationship.

People will go on expecting all manner of things from but the only way to resolve this cognitive dissonance is to remember nothing is guaranteed and those who've succeeded have confirmation bias.

It's all to easy to fall into the trap of living to fulfil society's expectations. You don't owe that to society. You can't innovate by fulfilling society's expectations.

Same here. I've talked to lot of girls while out dancing, but it doesn't lead anywhere. A totally useless thing I'd say if you expect something more than a talk.



Exactly. Also, when I talk to a girl, at a dance or elsewhere, I've already made the decision that she is in the friend-zone. If I don't make that decision, then I can't approach her. And if she is in the friend-zone, that's it, and that's where she will remain forever. Thus, at least for me, this is a dead-end approach that never will lead anywhere.

Because I have additional steps in my courtship process that are before approaching and talking to a girl (which for me is the final relationship state and not the initiator). I have a pretty good idea of how it works, but I'm still figuring out ways to make it easily testable and publishable. So, no, I'm not at a stage where I can explain it or give sources. A clue is that girls must participate in the process, otherwise it will never lead to the approach stage. I've always done it with flirting at a distance, but that typically didn't lead to the final outcome. More often I got stuck there, which is not much better than getting stuck in the friend-zone.

rdos, would you be prepared to give us a brief outline of your flirting techniques?

Do you think it'll work for others too? Anyone or only aspies?

You need en environment where the same people gather from time to time, because you cannot do it with random strangers (well you can, but it's not so useful). It needs to be repeated many times. The flirting is kind of simple and builds on NDs looking more at people they like. You start by looking around at the girls you like, and see if they reciprocate. When you find somebody that reciprocates, you just continue give them glances (as long as they continue to reciprocate). It's just as simple as that. However, the timing is somewhat important, but I can't give the exact timing as I do this naturally. I mastered this already before high school.

So if you go to some place where a girl reciprocated last time, chances are she will continue to do it the next time you see her as well. That's the situation you want to have: A girl that reciprocates every time at some place you frequent fairly often.

After you got that situation, the problem of getting verbal and getting into a real relationship remains. But at least you've found somebody that you know like you.

The more girls you chat with and the more comfy you get chatting with them, the more the odds of meeting somebody you want to date (who wants to date you) goes up.

Familiarity helps - if you're in a class or both have dogs or usually take the Number X bus as you both work downtown. Or if you clicked when chatting and won't run into them again by chance... ask for her number or offer her yours (the latter tends to be less creepy; I'm uncomfortable giving my number out but receptive to taking someone else's).

From what I've seen, 'creepy' is usually code-word for being ugly or autistic. When a woman says 'creepy' it can be an indication that she's prejudiced and not a very nice person. I've only ever heard it used in this way.

Thank you for that rdos. I think I kind of get some of that. If a girl stares back at me she must think I'm attractive, right? Also she's likely to be single, right?

I'll try to put your theory into practice but there are some difficulties. I see some of the same girls on the train to work but they usually have their face buried in their phone, or they're listening to music on headphones or more commonly, both.

I'm a big fan of smartphones myself but I also find that they isolate people. A lot of people on the train are texting or chatting on Facebook. They're using these devices to socialise yet also avoiding people are present in the same space as them.

What's worse than Facebook and texting is headphones. Nearly everyone is listening to something on headphones. That makes it really hard to talk to anyone. I've only had conversations with old people on the train because they don't wear headphones.

I of understand that browsing through Facebook or listening to music or watching a movie are techniques people use to isolate themselves. I get that. I do that myself. Sometimes when I'm in a crowded place I want a way to cocoon myself and effectively be alone. NTs do that as well. I just think it makes it hard to get to know people.

As for getting to know people in class, that's hard nowadays as well. For some reason the technical college I'm attending now is less friendly than the one I used to go to. Students don't talk to each other very much. I got to know a couple of students, both guys. Unfortunately not many girls wanted to study programming. Also there's not many girls my age where I work as a software tester.

What?

When I say creepy it usually has to do with social or communicative skills. Talking to as many girls as possible would definitely be creepy imo.

I think rdos advice is pretty spot on. It's about the repetition. Guys that cold approach me I nearly always see as creepy.

Well, of course it makes it hard to get to know people. You've already acknowledged that's the whole purpose they do it for. And that's especially true of women, who have often recommended it to one another here. They obviously don't want you to approach them, so why would they behave otherwise?

Sometimes I think the window to start making potentially fruitful acquaintances closed at about five years of age; at any rate, long before I had any grasp on the importance of socializing. Forever since, my contemporaries have seemed perfectly satisfied with whatever relationships they had and more interested in keeping their selective social circles tightly closed, so others won't gain any precious familiarity with them, than in expanding them. With women, just multiply that by a million at least.

Well, the last sentence describes the impression I get from the Internet. In real life, women don't always look so extremely unfriendly to me, probably because they can tell I'm very aware any kind of intimacy with them is completely out of the question.