Furious with girlfriend - or am I being stupid?

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Omg! Thank you for restoring my faith in people with an aspergers diagnosis.

I think what everyone with AS needs to do it sit down and listen to the "NT's" perspective and hear their side of the story and learn from them and then consider if we end up in that same situation again, don't assume they were playing a mind game or they lied to us, etc and even regular people need to do the same to us so they won't make the same assumption with anyone else in the future and they will consider maybe that person is different and that person isn't trying to be rude, etc. Even none aspies do this so this so I don't think not listening and considering isn't an AS thing at all.

My mom has tried reasoning with her sister about a misunderstanding that happened in her 20's and her sister never wanted to listen so my mother has given up after trying to explain it to her twice. My aunt has problems and doesn't function like an NT. My husband said it sounds like Manic Depression she has. It's very hard for everyone to reason with her because she gets an idea in her head and sticks with it and doesn't want to listen to their side of the story and what their perspective was.

When I said I'll do it next day I had all the intentions to do so. But next day I was in the situation to chose between the post office and the celebration. I just prioritised and decided to go to the shop since I felt that the celebration was more important and where was no harm in going to the post office the next day.


Yes.

You see, the way I greeted him when he arrived home, me smiling, all my body language was saying that I was dying to tell him something good. But he didn't get it. I know why and I learned to live with it, but in situations like this can be very frustrating. Because my first reaction as an NT is to feel that my husband ignores the fact that I am obviously excited about something good and decides to spoil my good mood. I knew he didn't do it on purpose but I still felt bad and I lost my interest in celebrating.

I can (atleast a little) explain why he got upset, it wasn't really that you hadn't gone to the post-office, he was merely projecting his negative workfeeling towards something he could blow of some steam towards, it wasn't really meant for you.

It's kind of childish, but fairly common.

Edit: Trust me, anyone coming home from a though day at work (NT or otherwise) won't stop at the door and look close at anyone standing there to see if they have any kind of happy news to deliver, they are occupied with trying to deal with their emotions.

Your husband has AS and you expect him to read body language intuitively, immediately, and correctly? Just curious, as that seems to be a crucial part of the problem. If you have something to say, good or bad, I would suggest being preemptive and direct about it instead of relying on 'cues' to communicate it. That it was a disruption to his expectations from the communication earlier, then it likely aggravated his sense of 'place' - to refer to it as a decision seems more than a little incorrect to me. Just my opinion... I do think he reacted more strongly than needed, but both sides could improve here.


M.

The problem was that I got frustrated and I didn't feel like talking about my news. It didn't do it to punish him or because I didn't understand his difficulties in reading body language, it was MY reaction to his behaviour. I know that he has difficulties reading body language but this way of communication is natural for me, it's something I do without thinking. And the expectation to be understood is as natural as communication, so when it goes so wrong I get frustrated. I don't blame him, but I'm frustrated anyway and I can't help it. The extra communication that I'm doing with him is something that I learned and sometimes I need to remind myself to do it. I know it wasn't his decision to 'ignore' me, that's why when I got frustrated I decided to go and do some housework. I didn't start an argument or anything even if I felt that he got over the top with the post office thing.

I felt that my reaction was somehow similar with the girl's in the OP's story. It wasn't about him refusing to have a coffee but the fact that he was in a bad mood (bad enough to refuse to relax with a cup of coffee) and that put her off talking about her problem. When you want to talk to somebody about something bad that happened, or some worries that you have ar even something very good you expect the other person to have a reaction, to be there for you, to reassure you that you'll be fine or to be happy for you. When the other person is obviouslly not going to do that because he/she is in the wrong mood, it's very difficult to share the good or bad news.

Thank you for the explanation.


M.

I'm an NT, married to an aspie, and I cannot imagine doing what you describe here to my husband. Or anyone. So, to my way of thinking, regardless of what she was feeling, she should've found some other way to make her point that she was upset with you. And why was she upset with you? Well, it could be that your gf may have perceived that you were about to do an AS rigidity thing, ie, a tiny meltdown over the missing mocha drink, and I know I get triggered preemptively sometimes when I sense that my husband is about "to go there". I get pretty irked that my aspie partner is going to make a big deal out of "nothing", esp when I'm tired and worried and feeling alone with something and just need my partner to be just put his own needs aside for a second and be there for me. The idea that he is about to get all flustered over some idiosyncratic thing can make me furious. I'm thinking, "You selfish b*st*rd! It's always about you, isn't it! I told you on the phone that I really needed to talk to you about something important and now you are about to just take over with your aspie crap AGAIN! You, you, you! It's always YOUR turn to be freaked out! OVER NOTHING!" It hurts us when we feel our aspie loved ones can't make room in their heads for our needs. Not saying that that's what happened, it just sounds like it may have been where she went with things.

But, NT or aspie, head games like that are way not ok. Not even when you're pissed off and feel like punishing someone. She was wrong, regardless of why she did it. I have a friend, also an NT living with NTs, who has actually made the "Guess What?"-"What?"-"Oh, Nothing" Game against the rules in her home. She showed her sister the door once for doing it. And sends her own kids to their rooms for a time out when they do it to each other when they play. It's that upsetting to her. She and I spoke about this at length once and we came to the conclusion that it's actually a form of subtle, backhanded bullying. Just like tickling someone younger and smaller who begs you to stop. It disregards boundaries and discounts the feelings of the other person. It's a selfish and unkind power trip.

You didn't mention whether or not you clearly told her something like her head tripping you was crossing a boundary for you. I mean, if after you succinctly tell someone that something they're doing has gone beyond what you can endure, and they still do it, that choice to go on hurting you, and the apparent refusal to reach a resolution of the conflict immediately afterwards, are very big signs of something much bigger going on. And you aren't wrong to wonder about the future of the relationship if that's how it went down. I suggest you ask her to go to some couple's counseling with you, if you have any desire to trying to save this relationship. Not just to hash out this one incident in a supportive environment, but to get to the bottom of whatever is at the root of this sort of painful, immature power tripping. She did some harm, it's plain to see, but I think it may be just be the straw that broke the camel's back for you and that there's been some history with her that is pushing you towards a break-up. That said, if this is an isolated incident, and mostly she is kind and understanding with you, try to see that she just may need some forgiveness and understanding from you herself. She may have been having an "off" day or possibly it was an immature tactic on her part to get back at you for something she felt you'd done wrong to her (like discounting her need to talk by making a fuss over the mocha drink). It's worth getting to the bottom of, if there's a chance she's harboring some sort of resentment that she's not being straightforward about with you. Not all NTs are good at the social stuff either, and if she's young and inexperienced in the world, she just may be on a learning curve and has earned some bad consequences (you being so angry and pissed that you're considering breaking it off) for her bad behavior. Consequences are generally how NTs learn from their mistakes, and if she loves you at all, or has any desire to become the best person she can be, she will try to grow from having her ugliness exposed and dealt with. And honestly, I wouldn't be able to invest in a relationship where my partner refused to grow from their mistakes, even an aspie. That's a dead end for everyone.

Good luck and stick to your guns. You are not wrong to feel frustrated and hurt. But mutual empathy might save the day.