Do women not like aspie guys?

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03 Jun 2010, 10:19 am

Actually, there are those rare girls out there who really appreciate guys with Asperger's. For me, some of my charm has been my utmost care about things that mean a lot to me, my honesty and my sincerity. However, there are those few occasions where those backfire on me.

Wuffles
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03 Jun 2010, 10:27 am

I'm an AS female and for the most part I date NT guys. The reason is simply that I'm neurotic enough without adding someone else's problems to my own. NT guys LIKE that I don't share my problems, need lots of alone time, and sometimes need someone else to show me what to do. When I tell them that I'm HAPPY for them to spend 2 or 3 nights a week with their friends while I stay home, they buy me flowers.

AS guys, well, let's be honest, many of you are sexually and emotionally inexperienced. I've found that many AS guys, their protestations aside, have unrealistic expectations about how females should act and appear. I fit a lot of the stereotypes but I don't want to date a guy cause I look like his favorite anime character. I want to date him because he likes me despite my problems and can help guide me through them. The AS guys I've met so far are 25-30 but act 12-14 in a sexual context. They make crude jokes, grab my body when I don't want it grabbed...well, you get the idea.

I'm f****d up enough as it is, I'd love to date someone who understood my problems but so far I've found that NT guys do it better.

Note: I accept that this might just be a product of phenomenally bad luck and a culture uneducated about AS (I live in Ireland).

Hector
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03 Jun 2010, 2:26 pm

Wuffles wrote:

The AS guys I've met so far are 25-30 but act 12-14 in a sexual context. They make crude jokes, grab my body when I don't want it grabbed...well, you get the idea.

This part is fairly surprising. I thought the experience with men with AS was typically that they actually touch too little, rather than too much.

700
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03 Jun 2010, 4:29 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

Electricbassguy wrote:

Asperger's is pretty irrelevant when it comes down to it, down there with dyslexia, minor learning disabilities, and anything else that overprotective mothers label their children with. The only difference is (it seems) you guys love to separate yourselves by saying you have it.

While I won't disagree that everyone (with or without AS) can have these problems, hearing from other people - whether you want to believe it or not, that you're fundamentally different - not in a good way, being treated as though all of your instincts are fundamentally wrong or as if you come up short just by the nature of being you, having this neurological state be a build that cannot change with practice (seemingly knowledge can but knowledge can only optimize neurology so far); all of this has very broad and far reaching implications. Even when you can do enough augmentation to yourself that you lose your hereditary 'faultiness' in instinct, what you're left with is such a cerebral set of impulses that you can yes, have decent social skills and be on point but the opposite sex is left vexed because what they're seeing isn't hereditary, isn't natural or worldly enough, so - they typically speaking won't accept that either. That of course stacks to the paradigm (aside from the AS issue) that the world fundamentally treats people differently of all walks of life - based on appearance, mannerisms, where when most people try to ambitiously overshoot their 'box' they gain little or no traction with the world around them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying its impossible, but, understanding that you'll understand a little better why a lot of people are struggling as much as they are.

I do wonder the extent of impact of PTSD

Solsikke
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05 Jun 2010, 3:46 am

I like some aspie guys, it depends on the personality.

techstepgenr8tion
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10 Jun 2010, 9:34 am

700 wrote:

I do wonder the extent of impact of PTSD

Things seem to have a much more far reaching effect if they occur in your developmental years. Being that a lot of us have had profoundly immersive and 'different' experiences (often negative at society's hands), even when you attack the core problem there's a whole lattice and framework that runs through everything else - you can spend years trying to correct and re-situate that, especially if your still taking in more abuse or disparate treatment from society.

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10 Jun 2010, 10:27 am

Electricbassguy wrote:

It is shyness and a lack of confidence, caused more by the "manly culture" we're stuck in right now, rather than any "syndrome" or "disorder" that anyone may have.

Asperger's is pretty irrelevant when it comes down to it, down there with dyslexia, minor learning disabilities, and anything else that overprotective mothers label their children with. The only difference is (it seems) you guys love to separate yourselves by saying you have it.

No; it is really sucky social skills. If you're about as good socially as a 6-year-old, it tends to put people off.

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hartzofspace
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10 Jun 2010, 12:27 pm

I have not met many Aspie guys, but am currently dating one. Of the 2 other Aspie men that I knew, my reasons for not feeling attracted to them were the following:
Both were physically unattractive.
Both were socially inept.
One was a computer programmer who made very good money, but unfortunately boasted that he was in love with a 14 year old girl. (He was 40 at the time.)
The other guy lived with his mother, was unemployed, and seeking disability payments, at the age of 50.

While I don't judge them; (they were how they were) These behaviors made them non-attractive to me. I just add these facts to the mix of why some women might not like Aspie guys. And, as I said, I am now dating a wonderful Aspie guy.

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Sallamandrina
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10 Jun 2010, 12:51 pm

Wuffles wrote:

I'm an AS female and for the most part I date NT guys. (...) NT guys LIKE that I don't share my problems, need lots of alone time, (...). When I tell them that I'm HAPPY for them to spend 2 or 3 nights a week with their friends while I stay home, they buy me flowers.

My experience to a T :lol:

I've always wondered why AS male/NT female and AS female/NT male relationships have such different dynamics. Maybe the expectations and emotional needs of NT men are closer to what AS women can offer? I know I can't usually meet the emotional needs of females NT friends (they tend to consider me cold), while I never have this problem with male NT friends...

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Greenmouse
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10 Jun 2010, 9:56 pm

Sallamandrina wrote:

I dated an NT male for a few months. He was a wonderful partner, but he didn't like my social inability and my huge mood swings. He tried to help me change, and I felt like he didn't like me the way I am.

I think it's better to date an AS when you're an AS.

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10 Jun 2010, 11:20 pm

I think a lot of you will find that just as many NTs will grab you when you don't want it, be emotionally dependent and annoying etc, crude and stupid with comments.

It's just the luck of the draw.

Saying crude things and grabbing is the result of someone being sexually repressed and immature, and almost always virgins. This can be easily fit to aspies and NTs alike.

Joe90
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09 Oct 2010, 1:11 pm

I am a female Aspie myself, but I'd say I wouldn't really want to marry an Aspie man. It's nothing personal, and I wouldn't mind being friends with one, but I don't think I would fall in love with one because I think we would clash. It might be because I come across as NT to my colleagues, and if I said I had AS they wouldn't believe me.

I think I'll do better marrying a NT man, even though they can be misunderstanding. But NTs can be misunderstanding to eachother - (my parents are!)

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09 Oct 2010, 2:51 pm

Sparrowrose wrote:

What I've been wondering about recently is this. I see places on the net where scores of women get together to talk about how awful their life is because they're married to an AS man. They've even invented a mental illness -- Cassandra Syndrome -- that they claim devastates the lives of those who are "foolish enough" to marry an AS man.

But I can't recall seeing even just two men anywhere online commisserating about how awful it is to be married to an AS woman.

Is this because men and women deal with marital dissatisfaction differently? Women by finding some cause in the man and blaming everything on him, be it workaholism, AS, wandering eye, whatever and men in some other way besides getting together and complaining about how their wives are ruining everything? But I do see men getting together and complaining about other things. Like I've seen a group of men go on and on about how their wives won't let them buy the rifle they want. Or the electric guitar they want.

Is it something to do with how AS manifests differently in men vs. women?

Is it something else entirely?

I'm really baffled because I really like the AS men I know and don't see that much difference between them and the AS women I know and so I wonder why it is that there's almost a cottage industry surrounding complaining about AS husbands but near silence about AS wives.

Women expect considerably more than we do of them(be pretty, be a sweetie)

ApsieGuy
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09 Oct 2010, 3:01 pm

Joe90 wrote:

Why would a socially normal guy have ANY interest in a socially awkward women when he can get a regular social skills women.

hale_bopp
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09 Oct 2010, 3:47 pm

ApsieGuy wrote:

Joe90 wrote:

Why would a socially normal guy have ANY interest in a socially awkward women when he can get a regular social skills women.

I don't know, maybe he likes her personality???! ! Ask one of the pile of women here with NT partners/exes.

Joe90
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09 Oct 2010, 4:47 pm

I already have NT men fancying me and want to go out with me. It's a start.

Anyway - just because I've got AS, doesn't mean every NT man in the world will run away from me. It all depends on how they feel. My Aspie friend is getting married to a NT man next year, and they've been living together for a year, and he really loves her. When she first went out with him she was honest with him and said, ''please excuse me if I talk about my special interests - I will try and limit it.'' And he said, ''I'm not going to let that come between us.'' And she did limit herself from talking about her special interests. Anyway - he has his special interests too, which is football.

It's naive to think that NTs won't look twice at an Aspie woman. You'll be surprised at who gets married to who these days.

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