Is this really too much to ask

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It would be nice to meet a girl with Asperger's. I never met anyone with Asperger's.

Because of the combination of these three things:

1. The option of ME being the one who innitiates breakup is not availalbe for two reasons. First of all, I don't have guts to. I have never done it. The one and only time I did anything ''in this direction'' was with Sarah when I cut off contact INSTEAD OF breaking up. But clearly this is not very ethical making someone wait for me either so I won't do it to Jax. The other reason is that even if I did find a way to break up, I would hurt her feelings and I don't want to. You see, my previous girlfriend, Jennifer, was very sick and during a long portion of time I was the only one taking care of her. She completely trusted me but then I ended up hurting her due to conflict I had with her wishes vs my parents wishes. So when I remember how Jennifer cried and so forth I don't want to hurt someone else in the same way I hurt Jennifer. If I were to hurt Jax all I would be thinking of is that Jax trusted me and I betrayed her trust.

2. The other option is to let JAX be the one breaking up with ME -- and indeed she tries to every other month or so. But that is also bad just from another angle. Her reason for breaking up with me typically involves either the fact that I am not good enough Christian (she dosn't like that I don't pray regularly) or my autism (my diagnosis is Asperger but she keeps calling it autism making it sound more severe); usually both. Now, I find either reason to be offensive. If it is about my being bad christian then this implies that i will never become a good christian and will go to hell when I die (in fact thats how she frames it: she claims I am "hinderance" and she has to leave me behind in order to move forward in her relationship with Jesus). So I don't want to accept that i am bad Christian and will never change. As far as her breaking up with me over my Asperger I find it offensive that she somehow believes that if something due to Asperger it is somehow ''worse''. I mean half the time when she was breaking up with me ''over my autism'' she never even said anything other than ''autism''. So what exactly is so bad about ''autism'' is she offended by the word or something? In fact when she first met me she didn't care at all about my Asperger. I was the one who ASKED HER to tell her friend Donna who APPROVED OF ME about my Asperger to see if her opinion changes to worse just for the sake of my own amusement. Indeed Donna's opinion DID change to worse but TO MY SURPRISE this also caused Jax opinion to change to worse too and from that point on she was holding my autism against me even though until that time my autism didn't matter. So clearly she was influenced by her friend, but she keeps denying it. Also what is unusual is that in the past when I point people to my Asperger it either makes things better (as in I get an excuse for my mistakes and they become more patient) or it doesn't change anything at all; but Jax is one and only time when it made it WORSE. She also attributes to ''autism'' things that don't have to be. Like the fact that my conversations with her are boring is due to the plain old ''i am not interested in her'' -- this is hardly autism issue, NT-s can lose interest too and they would act in exact way I do. But in my case it is somehow due to Asperger. Or here is another example. She absolutely hates it when I talk about the past. But guess what. Her own website is called ''nastalgic notions''. So apparently its okay for others to talk about hte past but not to me since in my case its due to autism. Also when I pointed out to her how my mom was pointing my nose at some mistake I did in the past, her respnose was ''some women like to vent''. Okay, but in this case why couldn't she attribute my talking about the past to ''venting''? Why does it have to be autism? So anyway, back to your question. The reason I can't let her break up with me when she tries to is because her reason usually involves autism and I am insulted by the reason which is why I want to argue against it and therefore persuade her to stay simply out of principle.

3. During the few times when she broke up and I refrained from persuading her to get back with me, she got back with me all on her own a week later (which is the same period of time it usually takes for me to persuade her to be back which means that basically whenever she breaks up it lasts a week whether i try to get back or not). Basically due to her sexual abuse as a child she is roller coaster. So regardless of what I do or what I don't do, she would break up with me every month or so, the breakup would last a week and then she will come back. So even if I did have balls to break up myself who knows she would probably be back.



I guess my answer would depend on a mood I am at a given day. During majority of the time it was a trophy thing. On the other hand, right now it is more along the lines that I awnt to see how it feels to be with someone average. And then of course sexual thing plays some role too. Even if I won't have sex until marriag, I wish I could feel how it is to hold hands with an average girl.



You see as far as ''growing on the lady'' thats what I done with both of my ex-s. But the part I miss is all that fun spontaneous stuff that happens during the ifrst few days of dating all that excitement and so forth. I never got to experience it. All I experienced is ''growing towards'' someone I was settling on.



I suppose if I am NT with high social status, then that would be easy. But if I am Asperger who is a loner then I wish I could have someone average once in a while to feel better about myself.



All I know is I see a bunch of easy going average girls and I can't have any of them; and at the same time the girls I had were all grumpy with constant fights and drama.



When I said ''first priority'' and ''second priority'' I was talking about something I WISH I had. In reality neither first nor second priority is available -- or else I wouldn't be writing this post. So it is hardly ''parallel dating''.

Well in my case I WOULD take overweight girls, just like I were doing my whole life.

Either way, I don't agree with your prostitution comparison at all. Being with a prostitute is a thousand times worse than anything I ever discussed in this post.



So this shows that you can get girls interested WITH ZERO EFFORT. Clearly you didn't want them so you didn't put any effort and YET they were interested. How come I don't ever get that lucky?

Ugly girls are less passive than attractive ones.

Circumstance probably.

Well none of ugly girls approach me either. The way I got MY ugly girls was by going to dating sites and spending hours and hours. In other words several days forth of effort got me overweight girl; but even that was not enough to get any of the skinny ones.

Why would someones mental disorder make them a better mate? I can understand them being able to relate to things better but i just dont think having AS should be a checkbox for dating. And yes Ive met a girl with AS

I can think of many reasons, but most importantly, an aspie girl will be more understanding about you not being a party animal, having a lot of friends or being extremely outgoing.

I think it might be a good thing in a sense that she wouuld be more understanding about my Asperger symptoms; htus she would be more likely to treat me as equal.

OK, I guess at the high end, life expectancy would be a legitimate issue. Rather like my main problem with age-inappropriate relationships......a built-in time-bomb of inevitable desertion, though it's probably no worse than being died on when you're too old to get over it.

I hadn't heard "settling" used like that before. I wasn't thinking of the OP going that way. Though I guess if he can't feel romantic about obese women at all, my suggestion would amount to that, and I wouldn't recommend it. There would have to be at least some hope of romantic feelings developing, which in my experience they can do.

I don't know. Because 2 loners make a right? I'm not very confident about my social skills or being cool. Maybe an aspie would care less about superficial things. Relating and understanding my differences would be nice. It would be nice for someone to appreciate my video gaming, math, or intimacy skills over my friends, popularity, money, or other superficial things.

OMG, to read this thread is like swimming in a tank of worms - it just gives me the heebies. You talk about women like they were commodities in the grocery! "I'll take a fat one, but not if she's too fat..." hunh? Forget trying to find a date/mate if that's your attitude. Any girl/woman is gonna see it eventually and want nothing to do with you. Girls/women are people! Persons. Individuals and should be treated as such.

Your job is to get to know a potential date/mate, her job is to get to know you. NTs, Aspies, fat, thin. There are gonna be ones that fit into various categories and to dismiss entire groups is to diminish your chances of ever finding that girl/woman who has eyes that shine only for you.

And Roman, do you think it will get easier to break-up if it goes on and on? Sometimes people get hurt. Sometimes we get hurt. NO ONE has ever proven that life is fair! If you cannot categorically state that you intend to spend the rest of you life with this person is it helpful or kind to either of you to let it continue? Couldn't both of you be spending this time find the RIGHT one? I spend 21 years in a relationship that should never have endured that long because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and now I have found my MATCH in a wonderful Aspie that loves me as much as I love him.

I know it can happen, are you willing to let it?

When I am discussing my career, I am also using an expression "I got this professor, I couldn't get that professor, etc" (in reference to professors who supervise my work). So you can't say thats my attitude towards women -- I mean most of my professors are male and I use that smae expression.

Also at least in my case part of ''liking'' women amounts to the fact that I connect to them on emotional level better than to men. So that makes it very difficult to view them as comodities. In fact I am puzzled whenever I hear about guys who view them as such.



I never dismissed the group of overweight women. In fact I was saying how my ex-s WERE overweight. Now its true that I am upset about it. But being ''upset'' about something is not going to cut options. In order to cut an option X one has to refrain from doing X as opposed to merely be upset about X. In my case I didn't refrain from doing X as evidenced by the fact that I WERE in fact dating overweight women.

Last edited by Roman on 08 Jun 2012, 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Roman, my apologies! I was using the collective "you" in regard to the comments you quoted and tried to direct my comments to you by using your username. I hope that you (Roman) do not think that I was using the you (collective) to indicate that all my comments were directed at you (Roman)

Sorry if I or anyone else upset you. But discussing our preferences in women on an online forum, under love and dating, is our right. There's nothing wrong with thinking women as commodities. We are analyzing the features we do or don't like, which most men do in their heads or have already settled. We are doing it on an open forum so it's plausible that it's going to garner some controversy. Yes, we could all get a date if we accepted the whole lot. But we don't want to do that. Most men, if given a choice, wouldn't want an unattractive woman. It's biology. It's intuitive. There's a reason why people prefer attractive women over unattractive women. Attractive women take showers, have high-self esteem, have their things in order, and are sexually appealing. Being an unattractive woman signals to a man that she can't take care of herself and that she's simply not sexually desirable. Now, you can try to state that "the outside doesn't matter, it's the inside that counts" or "don't judge a book by the cover" or that "we're being superficial", but you would be wrong. Looks do matter. That's why we can objectively measure them. Biology has that all figured out.

You are right people do have feelings, and we are good people. But is it really my fault that an unattractive woman gets her feelings hurt when I'm not attracted to her? No, of course not. We can't please everybody. Maybe instead of blaming us for being not attracted to person A, person A should move on, find someone in her range, or hit the gym and hygiene sections. I don't expect to score an 8-10 in my current condition. It would take personal care on my part. So I lower my expectations. Now, you say that looks aren't everything. I agree. I would say the potential mate would have a function of many variables, looks being one of them. I rather have someone average looking with a good personality, but that's just me. A given man has a given right to choose his preferences. Some men care only about looks, some men don't care at all.

Women and men are similar in nature. Women care about looks too. That's why it's hard for unattractive men to get attractive women. So to say a woman wouldn't want anything to do with a man because he cares about looks is preposterous.

Good post.