Why do nt women leave and some don't?

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks I appreciate your views and take them on board but no one else lives in my shoes. Don't think my journey will be easy though

I don't think the bold part's completely accurate, as I remember an exception where one poster came here for sympathy, but lashed out as most of the posts she got happened to be Aspies giving her advice.

All NT people are different, Some understand, some dont the thing is, having AS shouldn't be a reason for her to leave, I mean seriously, its not as if anything has changed, you just now know WHY you are how you are. Honestly for that to be used as an excuse is very sad and shallow of her. I mean no offense.

But when I found out my partner had AS my thought was " Can we make this work, can we stay together? " Sense then we have both talked about it and have worked on our relationship, together, not one sided, he dose all he can, and so do I. It takes work, understanding and commitment to try to make things better.

We have trouble from time to time. Mostly its communication wise, like what to talk about that may hold his interest, and the worry of if I can be mentally stimulating for him.

Yeah, its not easy sometimes and I know I can be just as frustrating to him as he can to me at times. My point is NO relationship is perfect and ALL relationships take work and time and effort to fix the problems at hand.

One of the key things is compromising, I know some things about my partner cant and wont change and I've come to accept that.

If the two of you want this to work, then she has to be more understanding and be willing to compromise. Remind her that you are still the same person she has always known, that you still care for and love her, If she wants to make things better she can't just sit back and have you do all the work. Thats not logical.

PM me if you need to talk more, I really do hope things work out for you.

The pain at the moment manifests as anger. Sorrow u name it.

I get help for my AS and I get left. That makes me bitter. I gave everything to my wife .. Sure it was aspie love and I needed to change that and I am, but it still sucks and I have gone from a confident person to a shattered man who can't even see his son much. Life sucks . I should of seen the signs when she burnt all her family nd many friends

the end of a marriage is never easy. this will at least free you to become the best person you can be without worrying about her needs so much anymore. it seems like she will not be satisfied no matter what. i personally believe there is always value in self-improvement, because you can make your own life satisfying and worth living.

That's the thing I don't know if the marriage is over but it probably is, but I'm not sure. And thats why i cant move on just yet. I do know that i want to try but not sure about my wife. I do feel that my AS is being used an excuse and that's what really annoys me.

I feel utterly lost yet somehow she expects me to support her in $ for the next 6 months as she grieves. Who is going to support me? I don't feel like working either. In fact I feel like dropping of the face of the world sometimes.

Last edited by ozman on 01 Jul 2012, 12:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think that there are two major strains contributing to these feelings
the first is something I think Dan Savage had a decent take on recently

"When I listen to someone complaining about how he was dumped, what I often hear is someone complaining that he was dumped. Finding fault with how—reading some previously undetected character flaw into the method your ex employed to dump you—is often the ego acting in its own self-defense. You’re hurt, she hurt you, and you’ve latched on to the dumped [because of autism] issue so you can tell yourself that you were mistaken about her, that you didn’t have chemistry, that there really wasn’t something special here. Nope, she’s a scumbag [using diagnoses as grounds] proves it."

The second is that autistic people really do face discrimination, you've been fairly recently diagnosed and this is possibly your first experience with being a member of a marginalized group. It's not fun.

I think it's right to feel upset that being autistic is something that is rejected in many aspects of life.
I think it's right to feel upset that your marriage is on the rocks.

I think it's a little futile to pick apart a partners reason for leaving. We can't reason people in feeling things they don't. It's not as though if we could prove her justifications weren't good enough everything would be all better.

All in all I think you have a chance now to focus on you. It feels sad when even a broken relationship ends but in the long run I think you'll end up being happier than if two people who just weren't working out stuck it out to the bitter end.

Futile yes,

But it really xxxxs me offthat when I get the diagnosis she bails instead of Supporting me like many women do. And the old chestnut you had your chance is just plain and simple BS that feels like she is passing the guilt onto me for her leaving.

Another thing to consider, supposing you do get back together, will or can you forgive her for bailing on you? If you can't, your bitterness and fears that she'll do it again will eat you up inside.

Can you trust her? I think I read on an earlier post of yours that she's burned bridges with friends and family in the past. Is this a pattern? She needs to be aware of the pattern. Do you think she can change from this pattern? You do not want to get back together, only to go through this all over again.

Stay together for your child's sake? Growing up in a distrustful, bitter household isn't better than growing up with divorced parents. Probably worse.

I wish you luck and success in whatever decision you make.

Death, and taxes. There is no way out of this life, but death. It puts perspective on all of it. Sometimes, I think, well, this will be my last day of life, and how do I want to live it? It burns away much of the cobwebs.

Realization of our mortality and very restricted temporality also clears the field.

I think what it is, people basically get married or get into relationships not out of "love" but more out of "aww well, screw it, I'm getting old." That's what I think. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXcBzCyiFpA This song here from Cowboy Bebop sums it up, with a guy's line "Could it be that I'm just bored and lonely, could it be that I'm just dumb and horny?" My friend, with Aspergers, when he heard those lines in the song said "Yep, the two biggest reasons people get into relationships." I feel very little that relationships come out of "true love" but more those two things.

Why'd you marry her? What'd you see in her? What'd she see in you? I feel like, people with Aspergers, right, with relationships, due to being unable to see emotional cues partially, and partially out of desparation, we end up with people with their own mental problems. Think of it sorta like the 1-10 scale. Generally, let's say you're a 5, right, you're not going to normally date a 10, though it's possible sometimes, you're gonna be stuck with someone in your "bracket" so to speak. Again, exceptions, exceptions, exceptions (and let's hope I end up one) but for the most part this is true, I'm not talking just looks, but the "whole package" so to speak. So, one can be super good looking, but then be unpleasant, so this would drop them down to a lower number, etc.

She probably has issues of her own, maybe bipolar, depression, anxiety, who knows. So she figured she'd marry you, because you're also "broken" like her, but just differently. That's what I see, there's a lot of posts on here from guys who ended up dating bipolar girls and stuff. I've even been approached by girls with...issues. I refused them, just because I knew it'd end badly. But, some people are so aching for romantic attention, they see "oh wow, a girl/boy who expresses interest in me" and then run with it, despite the obvious signs of them being, well, something you'd normally steer clear of in a platonic friend. I've seen this with other "nerdy" (though not necessarily Aspergers) people I know. They'll get with ANY girl, despite obvious "problems" she has, simply because she's a female companion. Scratch that, it's not even nerds, it's the entire population of the world. People, if they are flawed in some way themselves, will overlook flaws in other people, but then later resent these flaws or they turn out to be huge issues and then the relationship will be ruined.

That's the way I see things. I think this is part of what makes dating with Aspergers hard. Because of our social naivety we not only don't pick up on other people's issues right away, but because we have issues ourselves, we're "targets" for other people with "issues" too. In some cases it's not necessarily some earth shattering thing, especially if both parties know about each other's issues prior to getting serious in the relationship, and it's sorta "consensual" but in your case it seems neither of you knew much about each other's issues, or deliberately tried to ignore them and act as if they didn't exist/were minor.

Ever try to relate to the sort of people who I think you're calling 10s? Really well-adjusted, happy-go-lucky, superfunctional sorts who are like that right down to their core? You think that's a 10? I call that around about a -3, on a scale of 1-10. Yeah, they're great friends. Scratch that, great acquaintances. Try living with one, though. I can't even imagine the Hell that a relationship with one would be. Compatibility isn't a universal scale of objective rankings!

I am sure they are great for each other. Two people like that, living in the bliss of ignorance, I bet it's Heaven ... unless one of them develops a problem. Because I'm sure you know, what happens to people with problems around them. They have zero ability to deal with people who do, because they simply don't have any way to relate or cope with it.

I am reminded of these things when I think of All Quiet on the Western Front, when the main character returns home from the frontlines.



Yeah, there's problems in relationships. Not exactly a revelation there. I don't buy into the 0% chance of happiness pessimism you're peddling here though. People can have complementary strengths and weaknesses. Doesn't always work that way, but so what. No pain no gain. Never find out if you just hide from it.

You're right though, his wife clearly has issues. I like how she can't work or even take care of herself in her own place, but somehow she's normal and it's all his fault that she's totally dysfunctional, presumably because his AS was just so darn upsetting - and then he's the one who's being immature. Oh, the irony! She's probably bipolar or something, but too immature to take responsibility for it or do anything more than blame everybody else.

That's the thing, people have problems, the problems themselves aren't the problem, it's how they're handled. And life isn't going to be all bliss, from one end to the other, and I think it's natural for relationships to fail for most people. That's not necessarily a bad outcome though, depending how it's handled, it just seems like it because of unreasonable expectations. You might get lucky and get a hole in one (to use a golf analogy) but that's vanishingly rare, for anyone.

You can be good together with someone for a finite time, and then it doesn't work anymore ... that's not a failure, it doesn't invalidate what came before it stopped working. It's just life. Your car will break down someday too, doesn't mean it didn't work for you while it was working, doesn't mean it was a lemon, doesn't mean you should never have bought it. Only that analogy isn't quite right because there is a chance, your "car" will last indefinately.



Yeah, I agree with you there. If there's no acknowledgement of problems and one person is concealing them, or worse, still stuck in a childish mode of blaming everyone else, chances of a good outcome really are 0%, unless there's some shift in attitudes.

Last edited by edgewaters on 02 Jul 2012, 3:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

^^^ I cannot stress enough how much I LOVE this post, Edgewaters!!

Yes my wife does have issues for sure... I can see that now....

I totally accept that my being an aspie was emotional abuse for my wife. I should of seen it and I didn't .

I totally accept that she told me years ago that there was something wrong with me... I did go to a councillor for a while a few years ago but they didnt pick up the AS.

I am really struggling with the fact that she says you had your chance. That's so cruel.
I hate that she left me just when I need the most support.
I hate that she won't tell me it's over and tells me " Im not sure what I want with ozman. But want I want is a separation from ozman. Then I might know.
I hate that I love her so much that I hang in there.
I hate that I rarely get to see my son now.
I hate hating and I hate having AS.

Last edited by ozman on 02 Jul 2012, 7:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Friendship- is it harder for Aspies to be 'friends' with ex partners.

Well it seems the chance at happiness is under 50%, statistically anyway. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce and all.