Figuring out a girl I've met recently

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How come you haven't called her yet? This is what you need to do. And make sure you're clear about your intentions.

You still haven't risked anything, in fact you're being so passive you actually apologized for messaging her (do you have any idea how unattractive that is???). FOR CHRISSAKE, GO FOR IT. Just staying in contact with her isn't enough, you need to move things forward.

You're interpreting rejection where there isn't even any. "She wanted to talk about these things with me in person", well guess what? That's a social invitation. An ambiguous one, but certainly above and beyond what a woman would message a guy if she was being polite and wanted to be left alone.



She's telling you, clear as day, that she likes talking to you. And yet you're interpreting this as mindgames and being blown off.

I don't know what to tell you anymore, this is pretty frustrating. Put a post-it note on your computer screen that says "ASK HER OUT, NO EXCUSES." Communicate to her that you find her attractive and aren't interested in playing games about it. That you want to take her out on a romantic date.

I am really sorry that this has become frustratingly repetetive for you. I know you are really trying to help me, and I appreciate it. I didn't know I was really that pathetic in this regard, no wonder I never went on any dates. If this is the impression I leave on other people, it does not surprise me in the slightest. I just don't know how I can handle this situation. The things you have said make sense, and whenver I read them, I think that it is actually likely that you are right, and yet I just can't bring myself to do these things, I don't know how to put them into action. I simply have to face that I am a coward, because I fear being rejected. It would not be that big of a problem if she had not been so nice to me and interested in me - and wasn't so goddamn pretty, the factor that intimidates me the most.

I'm baffled about this too. It appears that he must do something, but when he does, he is blown off. It does feel like mind games to me. To the OP, perhaps you should e-mail and ask if you can accompany her when she goes to her Grandmother... that is the only creativity that I can get out of my head today.

Is she looking for compassion only?

Tell you the truth, this is actually what I think is the most likely scenario: She is going through rough times and just wants someone to listen to her and unload her emotional stress on. I would be fine with that, everyone needs to blow of some steam in a while, and in fact, I would be happy if it means I helped someone cope with a difficult situation (such as you guys do with me now), but I just wish she had just told me in the first place. Only thing I don't get is why she would need me for that (after all, she mentioned that "other guy" that obviously was there for her when she was really sick... so why not bother him with that instead of me). Maybe I am reading too much into it again, but in the past, that's what women have always been "using" me for - an emotional garbage dump, and like I said, I don't mind... only difference was that in the past, I figured that out pretty quickly because 1.) That's how we got talking (the girls told me they had issues, and I was willing to listen because I figured if I wanted somebody to talk to, I would be glad if there was somebody nearby willing to listen), and 2.) They never were THAT nice to me afterwards, writing me E-mails everyday and s**t.
Well, I am going in circles, and I realize that. Again, sorry for this. It is not easy to lay off habitual behaviour routines that I have been using for... since I have been intersted in women. I just need to share what is on my mind... because, hey, you are the first people ever that are willing to listen to my issues and try to help me.

I don't know what to tell you about conquering the fear of rejection. What helped me a lot is "cold approaching", ie being able to walk up to a random girl in the street, throw her a compliment and get into a conversation with her until you (hopefully) have her number and can set up a date in the near future. That's a long-term thing though, and you don't really have the luxury of time here.

I'd also recommend meditation. It's an amazing way to clear your mind and see through your own BS and it's incredibly relaxing. This might help you cut through all that mental noise and doubt that's preventing you from making yourself vulnerable to her rejection. You have to keep in mind that a good 90% of your doubts are just rationalizations that protect you from attempting something you fear. Maybe whenever a doubt arises in your head, remind yourself, "I am afraid", take some deep breaths or do whatever calms you down, and CALL HER when you're ready. It will likely be the scariest feeling you've ever experienced, you may sweat and get butterflies and stutter. So what? At least you tried. You are on a path of self-improvement. Once you rack up enough dating experience, you'll probably look back and laugh at being nervous about these types of situations. But for now you have to live through some awkward experiences in order to better yourself.

Thanks for the advice. I know that there are ways that can clear my mind quite expertly (working out really hard is always a good way), and at the moment, even writing her the usual E-mail is something that requires quite a bit of courage, mainly because I am utterly confused. Now that you mention stuttering, this is actually something that prevents me from doing these things: I used to stutter as a kid (not alot, but noticably), and these kind of social situations where I don't know what happens next tend to bring this old habit back to surface. I have no problem speaking to people in general, or in front of a crowd, whatever, that is never much of a big deal, but as soon as feelings are involved, I fear that this kicks in and I look like a complete idiot. As for calling her... I still don't have her number. I originally planned to ask her for her number when seeing her the next time, but obviously, this plan has a very fatal flaw: she doesn't seem to want to meet with me.

Remind me why you couldn't get her number from e-mail? Hell, you could say something like, "I won't have access to my computer for the next few days, feel free to text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you want to stay in touch." I'd find it really weird if she didn't want to give her number to you no matter how you asked for it.

While I don't feel really comfortable to lie, this actually seems like a very good idea, I will give it a thought, thanks again.

She is interested in you! Send her an email saying that texting and email is great but you would like to see her in person for, lunch, dinner tea, coffee or something like that. You are making this WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! too complicated!

Like I said, I have asked her out over coffee three times now, and she always said she'd really like to, but then declined (either she was sick, or she had things going on with her sick grandmother). This is why I am suspicious, because I simply don't buy it. She doesn't seem too sick to go to work and all that, and I really don't know what it is with her grandma, either she is really sick (she stated that her gran is really important to her... I can't argue with that, if I had the chance to be with my maternal grandparents again, I'd spent every single f-in minute I can get with them), but paired with all those ambigous things she dropped, I am not quite sold on her being interested in me as a man. Can't blame her, but her pretending to be so interested in me to get me attached to her is what makes me so insecure. Like I said, I get the feeling that she wants to keep me "on the hook", but doesn't want to "reel me in", because she thinks I might be of use for her in the future. I mean, she just sent me a message stating that she went to the doctor and he told her that it will take at least another week till she gets better, something about getting her lymph nodes punctured, I don't know. The reason why I feel so confused at the moment is because on the one hand I do think she is toying with me and tries to just exploit me somehow, and on the other I feel bad thinking I might judge her incorrectly and she is really sick and all.

From the little that I could find on wikipedia, it seems painful and uncomfortable. You could do with a friend stick around

That's why I am here, you guys are my only support, and I am thankful for that... almost like having friends, you know? (Now, I don't wanna push that pity-thing any further... I do not like being pitied, and I hate it that I am so inept at these things. I know asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but it still bothers me because other people don't have problems with these type of things).

*Edit*

Wow, six pages already, just discussing me and my issues. I know I have been repeating myself alot, and it is mainly the same all over again, but really, thanks for not giving up on me. Maybe the changing seasons are getting me a little soft (or it's the fact that my heart has been touched for the first time in an eternity), but really, it means alot to me that you guys try to help me deal with my issues. Should I ever meet one of you guys in person: next one's on me .

That girl wants to ride you rotten.

If you don't want it, you should tell her so because right this moment she's wondering what's wrong with you.

She's busy telling you in big 100ft high letters how much she wants you and you're being indecisive.

Thanks for your insight on this. My problem, as paradox as it is, I actually fear more being rejected by her via text than in person. I know it sounds weird, but I would really like to discuss our "status" face to face... that's why I already went out of my ways on asking her out three times, something I would never have done without the support from here... I don't know how to describe it, but if she denies me via E-mail, I it's there for me to read over and over again (I know I could delete it, but you get the idea. At least I hope). In person, she says it, and then it's over, and we can settle things down. Assuming she denied me via E-mail, seeing her casually in college again would feel more strange than if she said it into my face.

This is your mind playing tricks on you. Ask her out by any medium, in person, cell phone, skype, msn, e-mail, courrier, smoke signals, who cares. For the love of everything that is holy and sacred, JUST DO IT.

I think your big problem is you're clinging to this belief that you already asked her out 3 times by e-mail, when I'm willing to bet the messages you sent her wasn't really date propositions at all. The only way I could tell is if you posted your messages here. Just make sure to exclude sensitive info (names, locations, etc).

And you know what? It's probably better that you just forget this woman for a while. She doesn't seem worth the trouble. Go out and meet a few hundred women (not exaggerating at all), get used to rejection, and enjoy the relationships you form with the 10% of women who will accept you all the way to the bedroom.

Again, I guess you are right in all regards again. Funny thing, I have played with the idea of posting (and before, of course: translating, as I assume no one of you guys here speaks sufficient german) some of the messages here. I will see if I can find those in question (because, like I said, we have been texting alot, and as a matter of fact, the texting has increased by quite alot again, having been 4 to 5 the last few days, and now being up to 10-12 again), and maybe some of the more recent if I get the feeling her overall disposition might have changed.
I am fairly certain I was clear with my intention on meeting with her, but, like I said, I will see if I can find those, but I know I tend to confuse people with how I ask for things.
As for letting this go, I think it is for the best. I have maneuvred myself into a position where either direction is uncomfortable... and I also fear I am on the verge of actually falling in love with her, and for the time being, I cannot let that happen to myself, since it would paralyze me completely.