Look out! It's a Nice Guy! DESTROY HIM!!

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I quoted your post exactly, wihtout adding anything to it or reducing the paragraph I quoted. So in which way did you mean it now? Either you meant it that there are different girls, that want different kind of things, and as I mentioned thats a good thing, because there are as well different kind of guys, wanting different kind of things. Or girls want all of that. And that cant be true, because I am definitely a girl, and I dont want all of that.

But if both possibilities that come to my mind are wrong, I´d be happy if you could be more exactly about how you meant, what you had written.



Sorry, but if you ask a question, that only can be answered truly absolutely simple, why do you blame me? If you ask someone about the colour of ordinary grass, you will get the simple answer: Green. If you dont like that answer, then dont ask for it.

You say yourself that the answer is obviously. So what is disturbing you about that obviously answer? I did not expect to be offered anything else, I was not asking the question, what I would get offered, because of me not expecting anything else. There is simply nothing else that you get. So if you say yourself, that its obviously for you to not receive anything else then the partner itself, why do you ask?


And I dont know, where you have been in history class, but in most cultures around the last centuries, women did not marry up, but HAVE BEEN MARRIED up. Woman deciding on their own, who they want to marry is a rather new concept. And the reason, why family patriarchs tried to upmarry their daughters, was pretty simply. Because the better the son in law was, the more benefit the daughters family could acchieve by marrying the girl.

Tell ya what, sister. Learn how to press the "preview" button and [editing out dickery here] give me a more presentable, readable post, and I'll take the extra effort to try and understand what you are saying.

Last edited by Shau on 26 Jul 2013, 8:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

Very true, but I also think each gender generally puts a different value on niceness itself. I know, as guy, one of the first top traits I desire in a potential partner is being nice (equivalent to being kind, polite, respectful, empathetic, good friend, you know the drill)

This trait may or may not appear in the list of traits that a woman looks for in her potential partner but it is not often at the top of her list and is not as much favored as other psychological/behavioral traits (like confidence, being interesting, assertiveness level, etc.)

Damn, you have Syria in the nearby.

Anyway, that's interesting. I wonder what would happen in case of a war in Europe or US... right now, I don't see many men, in general, feeling that they have a duty to go to be killed to defend women in the rearguard that don't appreciate them. During the great war (or first world war), women in England used to hand out feathers to men that didn't enlist as a sign of cowardice. And men used to took the feather and bow the head. Right now, I imagine the same scene, and surely many men would answer 'f**k you. Go yourself'

Last edited by Greb on 25 Jul 2013, 10:52 am, edited 2 times in total.

Reason why I said it, is because if you have of used the correct weight, in that not unconfident/unattractive - you actually would have gotten a positive result there, more than likely.

Actually I do put an extremely high weight on compassion and kindness, understanding and empathy and that sort of thing. However, that does not stop a lot of people (especially NT men) from being able to act well in the beginning, and usually act well enough to fool NT women. As an aspie, sometimes those acting skills fool me if I am not careful - hence the now very long, drawn out selection process I have and why it takes a really damn long time to actually trust someone.

You have to remember that in the beginning, both do what amount of acting is necessary. Perhaps particularly men until they are sure they have the girl and she isn't going anywhere. So while many women may not rate it as highly as you (and quite frankly it's not something that seems to be high on many NT guys lists either - classic say they want it but go for the opposite thing) - many of them are probably being fooled at least in the beginning, by which point they leave or for some, many don't really have the confidence to leave.

You know, I rethought about what Shua said and I am not agreeing with him anymore: Confidence is overrated and it's not what's really all about.

Confidence with nothing going for him = delusional, grandeur on empty basis.

For me, confidence is the consequence feeling a human gets after series of accomplishments in a particular field, competence is the key to get the confidence, the same how things work for self-esteem in my opinion.

ie. if you study hard and you're competent enough at math, you get A+, after some As you get very confident when the teacher asks you to solve a math on the board, why else do you think the most math-nerdies are the first to rise their hands to solve a math problem on the board? It's not a coincidence, but because they're very confidence that they can solve it because they did it successfully many times before. While the less smart sporty student would very hesitant to solve it, despite his confidence in basketball. If the sport student shouts "I CAN SOLVE IT, TEACHER" - and end up solving s**t at the board then everyone would laugh at him, he wouldn't look confident in front of others anymore but as a self-delusional and stupid, and he would probably not feel confident about it anymore too.


When it come to dating, the confidence is also based on past successes too, but competence is the key to get those successes: social skills, career, looks ...etc.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 25 Jul 2013, 10:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yep, there are different types of traits that could be labeled confidence, but they are not one whole unit.

The type of confidence that matters in this case is that to do with dating and socializing. Whether you're confident at mathematics and such is largely irrelevant to discussions pertaining to topics such as what is being discussed here.

I didn't ask you to reply, Mr. Freeze.

Why it's irrelevant? It is not.

I see the same logic can be applied on both:

If you are competent at math ==> you get As ==> you get confident about math.

If you are competent at being interesting to girls ==> you get dates ==> you get confident about dating.

same logic can be applied to relationships, jobs and...everything.

I quote you "You wrote that you dont want them to be individuals with each woman deciding on her own what she wants"

Can you tell me where exactly I said that? And, no, those are not my words neither a quote. Those are your words put in my mouth.



Ok. You want to avoid the question. Fine.

I didn't ask a specific question as 'which is the colour of the grass?' (that has a specific answer: green), but a open one, as 'which are the attributes of the grass?' (you know: it's green, it's a living being, it needs water, and you can continue). You answered: 'it's grass'.

'How much it costs?' 'Money'

'What a woman offers as a partner?' 'It's a woman'.

Ahem, fine... whatever...



This is avoiding the question by jumping to a new one. The fact remains the same: they married up, and this involves a source of value added. If not the inherent fact of being woman, what then?

PS By the way. It's always the same with this: 'oh, poor women that are forced to marry those guys and can't choose who they wan't to marry!! ! This is machism!! !.

Oh, poor women.

Except that... oh, wait... men are exactly in the same situation!! !

But well, they're men, they don't deserve empathy.

Maybe I didn't make my points clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you here.

If one is confident at maths, that's not the sort of confidence that women usually refer to when they're discussing traits they look for in their potential partners.

Yes, I am not Mr. Sugarcoating.

Niceness is not a selling point as others pointed, what are/were your selling points? The fact you're alone means you lack some fundamental selling points, I lack them too but I do admit them: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf234980-0-15.html

You surely lack things other than jerkiness, and you're 42 already, it's TIME to admit them and try to solve them point by point, unless you really want to die alone.

Ahh yes yes, ok I see now.

Yes, you're right, the math nerd might be the biggest loser at dating, while the playboy might be a total loser at math, they are totally two different 'fields'.

Well, confidence is part of the pack. But you have to add up economical status, capacity as a provider, social success or admiration, perhaps some artistic talent, intelligence and sense of humour, dressing up, toning up, and so... the level of requeriments is quite high, indeed.

That's why there's lately a tendency in men to avoid marriage. What you're asked, what you get in exchange... not a good deal.

I am not as bad as I was when younger, and I do agree that sometimes I can be spineless. But sometimes I am NICE.
The difference is that I know the thing is happening and I let it go NOT because I am too chickenshit to act but because I see their side of things, feel sorry for them, or perhaps decide it is more important for them than for me, and choose to let it go. I often am too empathetic with other people. If I feel I will be beating myself up for it later, then I act. When I was younger, I did not discriminate, and often felt used, but I was not making the decision, I was letting the other person control things. I have learned over time.

Now I am spineless when I know I don't really understand what is going on, and I choose to observe and try to figure it out because I think I will probably embarrass myself if I ask. Now that I understand about the autism, I am developing strategies to deal with this too.

I got robbed big-time recently because I trusted someone who was just a thief. That was not spinelessness, that was stupid naivety on my part.
The problem is that you want to dismiss everything for one reason, but that does not work.
My being left out is probably because of the autism as well. Now that I know, I can handle things differently if I want something.

The husband thing is very complicated. It is not about me being a sucker for punishment, or thinking I somehow deserve it. He is verbally abusive, not physically, and he really does not know better. I totally expect that to sound like an excuse, but I can't help that. He has PTSD, and is sensitive to chemicals in his environment which make him moody, irritable, and sometimes psychotic. He has suffered extreme stress through much of his life so has a lot of horrible memories to draw on when he does his thing.
Plus if I dump him, someone gonna die.
So I tolerate it and keep the peace as much as possible for my kids. If not for them, I would not be in this. Over the years I have developed 'lion taming skills' that keep things together, and these days it's usually OK. I am pretty good at not letting the bomb get armed in the first place, but I rarely get to relax.
Can't have everything, right?

Ah, yes, that's something I have to struggle with as well as an Aspie.

I am by no means spineless but I have allowed some things to occur right in front of my eyes because I didn't interpret the situation going on correctly and was too late to react accordingly.

I copped a lot of s**t back then as a teenager by NT relatives because they thought I was just simply being spineless when in fact I just didn't fathom what was going on exactly until it was too late.