Here we go again . . .

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I'm not talking about 3 months ago, 6 months ago, 10 years ago, I am talking about right now. Right now, in this thread. I do not feel you love him now. You may have loved him in the past but right now it does not appear you do just based off the things you've said. And you have stated reasons why you do not want to be with him, reasons you cannot just get rid of (like kids) so why persist in the dysfunction? That is something I will never, ever understand. Maybe instead of hanging onto a relationship that is not making either of you happy, you would be better served by working on yourself and making yourself happy independent of someone else.

What I'm honestly getting from all of this is "Give a woman a taste of some hot alpha cock, and she'll go nuts over your ass for the rest of her life."

I gotta take notes from this bloke.

That right there, the "relationship when he wants it, but not when I want it" is why I gave up on my guy.



You're going to have to give him a pass on the flaking out to an extent. Its his modus operandi. It will likely re-occur whenever whatever thoughts get into his head that drive him to the action in the first place. However, if I had to bet money (and I am not a betting person) I would say that your negative reaction and hurt feelings/upset feelings that you communicate and exhibit towards him serve as a confirmation that things won't work. Every time you get upset or disappointed in something he does, he is probably looking at it and saying "See I knew it. I knew it wouldn't work. I knew she would just get mad." <--- These were actual words my guy would say to me after he would let me down and I would get sad. There was never an aha moment where he said "Well if I would just show up and or say something she wouldn't get mad".

The nasty reaction thing I honestly have no advice on. This is something that never happened with my guy. He is more of a 'shut down and say nothing if he feels negatively or indecisively towards me' type of aspie.



I know this might sound ridiculous but my advice is to do everything the same way except do it completely differently. So however you guys usually come back together, let it happen that same way. If its that you contact him after a few days (weeks, months) or he contacts you after a few days (weeks, months). Whatever you guys do, try to let it happen the same way. Hence the do everything the same way.

However, once you guys are back on good terms do everything else differently. I wouldn't state awareness of any set of "rules". I would not define or categorize the arrangement (the reason for this, funny enough, is that whatever you categorize it as officially, is likely to be what you're stuck with. So if you say just sex, he may mentally put you in a space that you are JUST for sex and ruling out any chance of the dynamic evolving to something else). If there are certain things you desire to have him agree to, like a cancellation policy or sexual monogamy, then ask for it but remain fluid (i.e. if he realizes he can't make it, let you know the day before and he should suggest an alternative time out of consideration, or if you're going to be sexual (virtually or in real life) then you'll both be honest about any other relationships).

I just want to reiterate that this advice is not to help you get into a long lasting exclusive relationship with him. This advice is to allow you to, hopefully, have an in person sexual relationship with him. I do NOT think the advice I have given will get you an emotionally satisfying experience from him. I do not know if it is possible, at this point in time, for you to obtain an emotionally satisfying relationship with him.

Even if you do get the sexual interaction you desire, from my experience, you will still have a lot of uncertainty surrounding what he feels and wants from you in the long term.

Lol. Almost. More like make a woman feel sexually safe and she'll go nuts over your ass for the rest of her life. Alpha or no alpha.

Are you sure you really feel like this? If this is truly how you feel then you do realize that he will end up with someone else eventually, right? If that happens you lose the chance of sex, Skype, or anything...

I felt the opposite with my guy, who also had a kid. I love her. I consider them a part of my family even though he and I couldn't get our s**t together. I'd face her insane mother or any other negative force that might try to affect her in a blink of an eye. If he never speaks to me or sexes me again in my life and I run into that child in 10 years and she needs anything that I have or can get, she'll have it. Even if she hated my guts because she thought I was keeping her parents apart, I STILL love her.

I was persistent in pursuing him because I knew I would and could do that.

If you are 100% sure that you would not want to ever be with him permanently or be a positive force in his children's lives then I would say you should leave him alone. There are like 3.5 billion penises out there that can service a sexual need. Seriously, if you're JUST looking for sex, then leave this guy alone, go on okcupid, plentyoffish, craigslist, or your neighborhood sports bar and you will eventually find a decent looking guy that can rock your sheets and offer nothing more.

That's my point. This is never going to change. It is called an addictive relationship. By definition, one person has to be unavailable. Often, both partners switch roles. It is also called "love addiction". Basically, it is a pathological way of connecting with other people that comes from being brought up in an abusive home. The only way to make these types of relationships work is for both people to make a commitment to change the pattern. If both people are not willing to work on it (at the same time), it won't happen.

So the question is, how long are you willing to wait on him and you both being available to the relationship? How long are you willing to be frustrated because your needs are not being met?

Have you found love since then?


Aw, I knew I messed up. He canceled by text on Sunday at 9 am. I knew he'd been thinking about things all weekend, slept on it, woke up, and yoink. I glanced at it and thought, hm. I don't feel like cleaning the house and I need to work anyway, so whateva. I wasn't going to respond at all, but old habits festered all day and I let it get to me. Foo. Well, my instincts are good, and certainly I'll go with reaction #1 next time.


That is exactly the conclusion I reached. The conflict resolution method is "maximum avoidance of anything negative or uncomfortable." Not "accept that resolving hurt feelings is a normal part of human interaction, and talk it over calmly like rational adults." Ok then. He'll never learn anything that way, but ok. That doesn't bother me (not yet, anyway) nearly as much as not even having any idea of what the rules ARE.


Like my aha moment here? "Well if I would just shut up, accept it, and find some other way to deal with the disappointment, he wouldn't get mad."


My guy is mostly like that too. I'm learning to interpret his silences. I think the nasty reactions will stop if I just don't let the hurt or anger show. There honestly wasn't much to hide over the last two months. It was only his refusal to respond on Sunday that really honked me off. Now that I know the rules, I can be prepared and find a way to redirect myself. If that is really the expectation, well then, that is the expectation.

I guess I have been aware of that, but had a hard time believing it, given what he was married to for a decade. That woman bitched and whined and complained and attacked him incessantly at top volume, whether he'd done anything wrong or not. I'm a meek little churchmouse compared to that witch, so I figured he could tolerate a little bit. But then, he tuned it all out and didn't love her at all.


Thank you for explaining! I'm going to print this out and keep it for reference. Seriously. It even explains some things about our relationship back then that I still did not quite understand.


Understood. Thing is, he expresses his feelings physically. Back then, all we did was have sex. We NEVER talked like we do now. Yet, it was romantic and emotionally very intense. I compared it to ballet. Critics thought we were just fuck-buddies, but nothing could have been further from the truth. I got 90% of what I needed emotionally, from an in-person sexual relationship with him. What was missing was the talking and learning about each others' lives and families and beliefs and opinions, and we have that now. Just our Skype calls do a lot for me. If we can add real sex - put the old together with the new - wow, that would feel complete. I'd be very happy with that arrangement indefinitely.


Honestly, I've always felt secure about his feelings for me, very much so now (at least until Sunday). But as far as what he wants from me in the long-term, I'm sure you're right. There was huge uncertainty back then, and it was intolerable as GF#2. Now, as the only woman in the picture (and I doubt that would change), and with a better balance of sex and talking, I think uncertainty about the future would be much easier to accept. I don't want babies or a big wedding and I'm not afraid he's going to date skanks or marry someone else.

Recently, I told him how a male classmate back then begged me to keep him out of circulation, so he could play the field with no worries. He said "smart guy. You should listen to him." So evidently he wants me to "keep him out of circulation." That's what I want too.

Thank you for such incredibly helpful advice, JinNJ. Would it be ok if I PM you sometime?

But I thought OP didn't even know for sure if he was on the spectrum or not.

I mean what if, just what if, he isn't?

Oh no, I definitely do want to be with him permanently. (Am I allowed to secretly hope for that? Ack!)

As for his kids, I am broadly flexible but fear that flexibility will be misunderstood. What I mean is, they're his kids, subject to co-parenting and custody rules with his ex, so I'm definitely not looking to interfere or intrude or march in and take over. I'm willing to be as involved or uninvolved as he is comfortable with. I would gladly be a positive force in his children's lives. I love teenagers, way more than little kids, and his kids are quickly reaching adolescence. Those were hard years for me at home, so I can relate. I'm sure I could steel myself to fight their crazy mother if I had to. I just don't have much information, and feel that topic is totally off-limits with him right now.

She decided that he was, and that that explained why he didn't want anything to do with her unless it was some kind of sexual act entirely on his terms.

From all she's posted, I don't think he is.

No: I am not sure if he is my boyfriend.

The question of his AS has been asked and answered in other threads. Status: Undiagnosed and hostile to the possibility. WP Verdict: Very likely AS. Hyperlexic, as is his son, which is how I learned about AS in the first place. The question is also implicitly answered, in the affirmative, by the breakthrough JinNJ has kindly written about extensively above. That's the meat of this thread. Read and learn, if you can't offer anything relevant or constructive. Otherwise, this ankle-biting is counter-productive and you are invited to please exit the discussion. Thank you.

The diagnoses of autism, Asperger's Syndrome, and other related disorders have now all been consolidated into the umbrella diagnosis Autistic Spectrum Disorder. The three primary diagnostic characteristics for ASD are communication difficulties, social impairment, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. This often involves things such as deficient body language, difficulty understanding social repercussions, and a fixation with daily routines, respectively.

That is ultimately what you wanna be thinking about when considering if he's ASD or not. One of the best ways to tell is to look them in the eyes or listen to their voice: We spectrumites have an unmistakably metallic gaze and tone of voice, like we've been taken over by a body snatcher or something. It's the one thing I've noticed that doesn't go away even in advanced age and social proficiency.

It's rather interesting that you're assertive enough to set boundaries in an online discussion, when you are unwilling to set them in your own relationship. Why is this? Because you know that you would lose? Or something else?

Possible scenario: You pretty much like the relationship the way it is - it always leaves you grasping for something more. The 'will we won't we' aspect keeps you keen - with the promise of a quality physical connection at the end of it that you are comfortable with (clearly some here don't understand the connection here - it's not just about the penis! Sex is in the mind, for goodness sake). Some women always need to chase, and some women always need to want to change a man. If your possibly-aspie part-time partner played ball, then the reality could be boring. However, this is just a hypothesis, which I put politely - and what do I know.

What I do know - and mark this well - is that the one who needs the relationship the least, and cares the least about the other, tends to control the relationship. This is almost universal, unless two evolved souls come to an understanding in a relationship. This clearly is not the case from what you have.

You could possibly take more control of the situation - but would you risk him walking away?

The extreme winning game people tend to play is "Play by my rigid rules - or no game at all". Some people play by this rule, and get everything they want because of it, because the other partner ends up having to compromise - or 'next!'. Others end up hopelessly single because they cannot compromise on it.

Apologies if my post is a bit general-scattergunny or doesn't entirely fit with the direction of the thread - there's a lot here and currently I am unable to digest it all.

Last edited by octobertiger on 04 Dec 2013, 6:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think this is one of the few times I agree with you. She sounds a bit obsessed.

Hmmm…..I don't recall seeing those threads on Wrong Planet. Maybe you posted them somewhere else.



You don't think that's a teeny wee bit over the top?

I'd have thought it was more indicative of a stalkerish obsession than a loving relationship.

Edited to add: Actually that would make me barf, then I'd phone my lawyer and find out how to keep you well away from me.

Last edited by Marcia on 04 Dec 2013, 7:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, I didn't think there was any lack of clarity on that one. You quoted him on your first post on this thread,

"Him: I knew this would happen. In August, I said we should part ways for good. And you suggested not. I should not have indulged my desires. I don't want to have a fight. I just know that this will never work from my standpoint and we should call it to an end."

Me: I don't want to fight either. That's fine about tomorrow. All that's happened is, I am confused and want to understand your thought process.

Him: My thought process is that it is sexual for me but more for you and I don't want to go down that road. That has never changed."

Katie, he is not your boyfriend. And by the looks of what he says, going by all that you have posted on WP about yourself and this guy … doesn't matter how long you wait … he's not going to be your boyfriend.



You seem to have difficulties with people, especially women, pointing out the obvious to you and telling you things you don't want to hear. You also seem to gain some reward from coming here repeatedly and rehashing this non-relationship. I find this behaviour interesting.

So, thanks for pointing me in the direction of the exit, but I'd rather stay and continue to contribute as I choose.