Who pays for a date in this 'sexually liberated' era?

Post Reply New Topic

Whoever asks the other out for the date is the one who pays. It's not a sexism thing either. Where I live, it applies to nondate outings too. If I ask my best friend to come to lunch with me at the Chinese place, it's implied that I will pay. Of course with people who don't have a lot of cash, like me and her, whoever asks the other always says "It's on me". Explaining that it's your treat is even done with folks who have more money too, just to prevent any awkward moments with the check. It's best to know this ahead of times with friends, because its better than waiting for the waiter to come over and then watching to see if your friend says "One check" or "Two checks" to him. That's just manners in case the guest needs to go to the ATM or get a checkbook or purse or something else, or even needs to decline.

A date, on the other hand, is when someone is romantically interested in you and is pursuing you so they ask you to spend time with them. The responsibility to pay is on the person who extends the invitation, unless he or she is fairly well broke as a joke and then they should be up front and say that it's Dutch. Of course if you are so strapped for cash that you have to ask a date to pay their own way, you should find a place to take them to, or an activity that is free. It's a bit crass for anyone to ask a date to pay their on way because it implies "I'd like to get to know you better because I'm interested in you but I'm not going to spend any money on that particular endeavor". It's sort of selfish.

When you ask someone out whether it's on a date or a friend to lunch, then you are asking someone else to set aside some time to spend with you because you would like to spend time with them. You are asking them for the favor of their time, and it's rude to ask them to pay to spend time with you when it was your idea in the first place, unless you know them well or have been dating a while (obviously you would know them well there too)

If the date isn't a "date date" where you pick someone up or meet them after inviting them and it's specifically a time set aside to spend together, and it's something vague like "Do you ever go to Louie Louie? You do? I'm there on Saturday nights usually, maybe I'll see you there, I hope so!" then it's not expected for you to pay for everything, but you should be prepared to at least buy a drink or something for whoever it is. It's just manners.

I agree.

I dunno OOM, no I don't really relate.

Whenever we go with friends for an outing, everyone pays for what he/she ordered, not just the person who "asked out" the others. Yes, it happens that one person comes up with an idea and suggests it to others and so on, but such mass invitations to a restaurant are no more unless if you are inviting friends to a lunch/dinner at home, then yeah the one who invited usually pays the whole cost.

The "man should pay on date" rule here has nothing to do with who invited who, it was in origin a gender specified mating rule (chivalry).

It could be the man who invited "man: I like you and I wanna invite you to dinner", it could be something that both came up with, like after a long time of chat ie. "Him: hey maybe we can have a coffee together sometimes", "Her: Yeah! I am free tomorrow!". - or the rarest scenario her asking him out.
Whatever the scenario is, the men here are still confused whether they should pay or not, and in many cases are expected to pay, and there's always that not-very-uncommon game of pretending of wanting to pay half while in reality they are testing the man, exaclty like vicky's daughter and her friends.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 27 Jun 2014, 10:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

I, frankly, would feel very embarrassed if I felt like I needed to ask a woman to help me pay a check on a date.

If a woman insists, though, I go along with what she wants.

In western culture, it's a holdover from the times (most of human history) when women weren't allowed to own property. OF COURSE the guy paid, because the woman had no money of her own - EVER!

Even though those laws have been changed, there's still (apparently) an atmosphere of "the guy should pay because he's the guy." I agree that whoever does the asking does the paying (or at least making a sincere offer to pick up the tab). This also works when two platonic friends get together.

In a group (being defined as more than two people), I would think the assumption would be that each person would pay their own tab.

I have asked guys out by saying something like "hey, I happen to have two tickets to X.....would you like to go with me?"

Also, it's one of the reasons I think dinner makes for a lousy first date between people who don't know each other yet - too many expectations seem to arise. First date should be something way more casual like coffee - that way either person can afford to pick up the whole tab, AND it's not awkward if each person just pays for their own. In the case of someone you've known for a long time, and have a sense of what kind or person they are, or someone you're already going out, there's less opportunity for this awkward "who pays?" thing.

Boo, my examples were pretty much about one person inviting one other person somewhere, not a group going where a person suggested. Thats a group of folks in a casual thing that you are talking about, not a set time to go to eat with a specific person.

As for the "man pays" thing, I do get that. Back in the day when I was single guys almost always paid. They almost always paid and insisted on paying even if I asked the guy out myself and planned to pay and tried to grab the check while saying "I SAID I'd pay, I invited YOU!" You are much younger than me and live in a different time than I did, so I don't really know what it's like now and I don't know what is acceptable and isn't. It also varies from culture to culture. You are in the Middle East I think, right? I don't know what dating manners are there.

I'd think though that whoever does the inviting would do the paying unless they state that up front.

I would not pay for a date if I were single. On the other hand, I want to stay up with the times. So many have stated that whoever does the asking out, pays for the date. Fine. So, if I were single, I would just walk up to a man and say "You should ask me out on a date." Now, if they were to ask me and then suggest going dutch, I would frown in confussion and say "Sorry. I never excelled at foreign languages,"

Problem solved.

I like it when men pay for things for me. It makes me feel looked after.

Women who earn their own money and expect the guy to pay, don't you feel guilty for putting all the monetary burden on him?

Note that I'm not talking about "whoever asks, pays"; I'm talking about the attitude that guys should pay no matter what.

It makes me feel obligated! It's why I like splitting things, or taking turns paying.

Even when living with someone, we'd do the "whoever suggested it pays" thing, no matter what the activity. It's not rigid - sometimes one of us would be more flush than the other, and that situation might last for a month or more, and then it might be the other way around for awhile. My late fiance and I went on two 2-week vacations in 2013. The first one was to visit my family, and I footed about 80% of the tab for that trip. The second one was to go to his family reunion, and he footed about 80% of the tab for that one.

It's mostly about not feeling that either one of us is paying for the other's companionship.

I do not have that attitude. I always offer to pay when going out for a coffee or meal. I certainly don't expect the guy to pay for everything, and I don't order anything expensive. It's just really nice when they do want to pay, and I like being treated - who doesn't? It makes me feel looked after, and if they particularly offer to spend a lot on something - it makes me feel special.

If you don't have that attitude, I'm not talking about you.
Sorry if the fact that my post came after yours made it seem as though I was.

^ NP.

Ok OOM I get the one to one invitation but it isn't that common.

It's bit rare for one adult person inviting another to a resto/cafe unless they are like best friends or relatives that haven't seen each other for long; if they are casual accquaintances of opposite sex then it would be understood as a date lol, and if same gender then might be viewed as an attempt of a gay date lol.

The only common scenario I can think of is when someone invites a work partner, kinda of a work meeting, then yeah in that case the one who invited will pay.

Now, let's go back to dating, the thing is that there's always a risk for the man for going dutch (even if he was asked out) if he really wants her; like I explained earlier.

Aslo starvingartist's way won't work well for men.
If a woman tells her pre-date beforehand "we split the bill", he will most probably assume she's wanting to be fair, it will work like charm.

But if a man says the same thing to his pre-date, it's way more likely that she (even if she was intending to go dutch in the first place) will assume he's being paranoid for his wallet, no? It's not the same thing.


Also it's not always possible to know who's making more money on a first date, unless he or she has a profession which is obviously more paid than yours (ie. surgeon, CEO....etc)