my mother doesnt' want me to date an asperger

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Yeah, LOL. I get it-- sounds familiar. Lately I'm trying to put it off to Hubby having ADHD and JFHS (Job From Hell Syndrome). But-- I hear you. Some days, I sit in the rocking chair (without a kid) and rock and throw up my hands going, "And WHY, exactly, does The Aspie have to be the CEO of OurFamily Corp?"

No, obviously Asperger's doesn't mean that someone is necessarily going to be a non-functional jerk. And yes, obviously, everyone has some sh***y traits and behaviors. I reiterate-- anyone who thinks they don't is seriously, seriously, seriously disturbed.

Don't anyone let me scare you off relationships. Just-- these are questions that my personal (by and large I get the impression pretty good) married life has brought up for me. Questions I would like to see my kids consider before they get into a marriage (substitute "short dick" or "tiny tits" or "bipolar disorder" or "ADHD" or "major depressive disorder" or "OCD" or whatever for "Asperger's" and generate a similar list of questions that differs only in the particulars). Questions I wish we had batted around on any one of those 57,000 long-ass drives we took, instead of reading each other "conversation-starter" questions from stupid books.

Committed relationships ARE hard. I've fought depression twice, buried both my parents, packed up my entire life and moved, spent a year living with my in-laws, and spent the last twelve years raising kids. I've done some hard things-- AND MARRIAGE TAKES THE CAKE. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, the hardest thing I ever expect to do (maybe short of actually holding down a real, actual, career-type job and packing the kids off to live their own lives not under our roof, thus forcing me to somehow learn to live without these little people again). I'm pretty sure that they are hard for EVERYONE.

As far as dating goes-- to me, the point of dating was always to meet, identify, and ultimately marry a suitable mate. Friends are for "just having fun," and nothing else. No-- even friends are a prospective support network; if they won't at least drink coffee and talk to me when the chips are down, I don't consider them worth the time to hang out with while the sun is shining. I see the purpose of dating as hunting for a partner, plain and simple.

I realize other people see it as "just having fun," and nothing more. I can't speak to that, because I don't understand it. The only thing I can say is, Keep your pants up. If you can't do that, then PLEASE make sure your birth control doesn't fail."

Doesn't mean that no one should do it, ever. Worthwhile things are not often easy. But-- MARRIAGE IS HARD. It just IS. That's something to be prepared for. Someone who doesn't want to deal with hard things isn't going to handle marriage well. There's a line from a song-- "If you want peace, then live alone." Not something you are going to find on a Hallmark card in the Wedding and Anniversary department, but truthful.

You and Yippy Skippy describe what I think so well it hurts.

Marriage is hard

I think you have to stop compulsively issuing ultimatums...

I don't think you should listen to your mom, she sounds pretty ignorant on the topic. It is true there isn't a cure for aspergers syndrome, but as you say his symtoms/traits are not causing a problem in the relationship. If you don't have to take care of him now, its unlikely he's going to just up and become non-functional due to having aspergers....there are different severities though and some people may need more help with it than others, but having the disorder does not mean one is completely helpless and has to be fully taken care of by someone else. Also yeah there is a chance if you had kids they might have aspergers to...but that is called life, even if you dated a non asperger you could still end up with an aspergers child.

I'd say don't listen to her, stay with him if the relationship is what you want.....and maybe eventually your mom will come to learn a new more informed persepctive, but don't hold your breath for that. It does suck but sometimes people do have to make choices in life their parents wont like, if they are ignorant about something they might not be swayed....though sometimes parents over time will re-think things and realize they could be wrong about it, but you dont want to put life on hold waiting for that.

I am thinking there is a chance its not always of no interest to the other. If I was in a serious relationship I'd be fine if they got bored of a certain topic and bring it to my attention I am going on about it a lot then I'd make an effort not to bore them with it...and people do tell me that sometimes. I can sort of see where they come from though because I know it can get annoying to me when people go on about things I have no interest/understanding of or worse sometimes there is that feeling of 'too much information' leading to information overload and a brain dead feeling I wonder if everyone gets that.

But if one is going to date someone on the spectrum they should certainly be aware we do have that tendency.

I think one of the hardest things to deal with is angry outbursts. If people can talk reasonably about issues without anyone escalating beyond the other persons comfort level, things are better.

Meltdowns aren't uncommon among Aspies. But people have meltdowns in different ways. Although a partner with AS might have unexpected difficulties, I think it's a lot tougher to deal with this when you're not dealing with it together.

So my advice to OP would be that how her AS boyfriend deals with frustration and conflict now is probably going to continue, though it may evolve. If he looks to and participates in finding solutions as issues come up and they both feel good about being together, then maybe they are meant to be together. Same with working, if he complains bitterly about everyone being no good that may continue. If he's developed skills for accepting that politics happen and sometimes they're not so nice, then looks for solutions rather than ranting endlessly, that's encouraging too. Not that this stuff is specific to Aspies.

They are thinking about being partners and if his way of reacting to frustration scares or overwhelms her, or if he won't try doing something different when there is a problem, that's a big deal as it may continue. And if she feels ok about who he is and how he reacts under stress, there isn't any reason to be frightened by a label. That's prejudice. Some Aspies love kids and are fine with them, some can't handle them at all, a lot depends on whether you can find solutions as problems come up. And that's partly luck, partly willingness to search for new ways of doing things. That's tremendously hard for Aspies, but again, being frightened by a label is prejudice. Because people really are all different. And though all other things being equal, sure maybe finding a perfect husband would be best, there really are no perfect men, or women.

I haven't had a meltdown since elmentry school.
When I get stressed/scared/depressed. I just withdraw and hid in my room while secretly wanting to be held.

Where's the post that I made in this thread this morning. I finally replied to tarantella and it's not here.

Site's been having issues of late.

I am so blessed to be with my NT husband. I have to admit that him being NT works positively for our relationship.

My NT husband is so blessed to be with me. And my autism has much to do with it as well.

Being Autistic does not make me "less than" and unable to contribute as much as he does. Being NT does not make him "less than" either. [ though he is an exceptional man]

For those of you who would caution a person about the potential problems with being married to an autistic, I am curious why the issues with being involved with an NT are not as strongly emphasized. That bothers me.

vicky, it's not a contest. Nor does a caution sign in one spot mean "run free and naked in the rest of the world, only this spot may have problems!" NT men were not discussed here because the OP's boyfriend is not NT.

I would not suggest anyone get married without living with the other person first. Here, there are specific things to watch for. They may or may not be a problem for the couple. The woman may or may not be amenable to living with them. There's only one way to find out without actually getting married.
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When I first became aware that Bobby was in love with me, I made a list of what I could supply in a relationship and what I could not. I also made a list of my needs in a relationship and asked he would do the same. My actions with an autistic man would have been identical [ he actually might not have found them as strange as Bobby did] and I would have been no more or no less cautious because of the wiring differences.

Your mother is both ill informed, and hysterical.

She needs to get a grip.

Although its true that an extreme autistic could well need "to be taken care of all of his life" aspies hold down good jobs, and run companies, and so forth. Not the same thing.

I encountered a lady store supervisor (we were counting thier inventory) who would just state "I have adhd, and have sensory issues... i need a time out". Adhd and aspergers are comparable conditions, but folks are open about adhd and dont seem to get stigmatized. But aspergers still seems to be in the closet, and apparently still causes hysteria when one does come out of the closet about it.

Your boyfriend should not have volunteered that information to your parents until much later in the relationship (if said relationship evolves).

Nevermind, I'll re-post it.

No, there's nothing in the diagnostic criteria that suggests that they wouldn't be able to do it. It's usually either a ToM issue, where they don't know what those needs are or they react and respond to them in unusual ways, sometimes in ways that the NT partner doesn't expect who then misinterprets their intentions.



Then it's because you're still relying on inferences and nuances for a correct understanding of what your words mean, while aspies generally interpret everything literally and often don't pick up on the nuances. You'll be surprised how well some NT's get to know their AS partners even to the extent that already know how their partner will interpret what they say, so they'd phrase it in a way to avoid misinterpretations.



Right, because what you've said above applies to "some" aspires but not "all". However, even it only applies to "some" aspires, where does that leave the aspies who fall into your subgroup? You did advise the OP that she might have to leave her boyfriend simply because of his Asperger's right? What I've said in that quote above is exactly what that sounds like to an aspie looking for a relationship and saying that it only applies to "some" aspies and not "all" doesn't help much.