Does love exist? Or is it all made up rubbish?

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This is simply because you apparently (I mean "apparently" in the literal sense, not in a presumptuous manner but rather "it seems to me") haven't been with someone who is truly emotionally mature. I wasn't sure about this either because, of course since we're on the spectrum we have a hard time understanding our own emotions and those of others, so I emotionally matured at a slower rate. At first I didn't understand how I could "see" love but I began to understand what and how it is. And then I started to feel it. Naturally the feeling can involve some hurt, like a lot of hurt for me after the divorce, but then I started to know it, feel it, and see it.

There are some things that love can't exist without:

1. The recognition that love is bigger. When you see couples who have been married for 30+ years and they still love each other, it is because love was bigger, it was a greater end and a greater reward than dwelling on their problems. The problems were the distraction, not the other way around.

2. There has to be self sacrifice. You have to grapple with the concept of "I don't totally belong to myself any more and that is not a bad thing". You pick your battles and you don't just give up on the other things you don't push any more, you give them to him/her. You say "okay, this issue belongs to you now, I can adjust it in order to please you and this is how we both mature little by little".

This is very much of a two way street, self sacrifice can't be demanded it has to be gifted and appreciated. Believe it or not the appreciation you get for making a sacrifice is actually superior, it feels better than the thing you didn't want to give up. Whether either party can be blamed in the right or wrong is immaterial because the sacrifice and the pleasure associated with it exist in a higher order of human feelings, bonding is bigger than grievance. This is acquiescence, not "tolerance", bonding, not "grievance, we choose sacrifice over conflict.

3. Like geekchic said, love is an intentional decision. But to be more pointed and make a distinction here love is a habit. It's something that you get better at with practice and you shouldn't be discouraged from practicing it because the more you do it the more rewarding it is. There is a process to it and it is a hard one. Big efforts give big rewards. There are other smaller things to labor at, things smaller than love, and they give smaller rewards. Start "putting money in the bank" as early as you can and keep doing it. This is something you can practice with anyone, you don't need a significant partner to get better at it.

One of the great things about partnership, and marriage if you're into that, is how it can improve your outlook, attitude, and empathy and compassion for people in general. It's not impossible for someone autistic, we may have difficulty with the process and understanding what's going on but we can feel empathy and compassion too, just like any neurotypical person, we just need more practice to understand what's going on. I see and meet many ASD folk who are stunted in this area because they have these symptoms of course that make it hard to understand and identify emotions, so they never resolve to practice enough. We are uncomfortable with affection from other people, especially people we don't know so well or with family it can be awkward too, so we don't tend to see the point in putting as much effort into this whole thing as the average person. But if we want the rewards of emotional maturity, of reciprocity so badly we can't be jaded about it, we have to put more effort into it than them.

For example, let's talk about hugs. I don't like certain amounts of pressure, it can give me anxiety. However it no longer bothers me even though I have the same acute sensitivities as ever like other ASD folks here. I can't understand all of the different types of physical contact, the rational reasons for them, or why the compulsions are there because I don't have them. What I can understand is affection. Physical contact is one way that people express affection. So when there is physical contact I think "affection", not "physical contact". I think "this is another human being with the whole package, thoughts and everything", not "why is this bewildering thing touching me". Now I don't mean to say that you or I necessarily objectify people during their ritual bonding behaviors, I mean to say that that is how it feels for me. There are two competing feelings and I had to practice the good feeling until it overcame the sensory feeling.

I would have to argue a few cases here, respectfully:

1. We can't love unconditionally, nobody is perfect. However we can love less conditionally.

2. With agape love, the best kind of love that keeps people together 30+ years, you don't tailor your responses to what your partner wants to hear. You tailor yourself. Over time you learn that there are parts of your own self that are less significant to you than what you want from the relationship so you chip those parts away.

3. Respect has to do with recognition and status. There is no status, only recognition between love partners. Men want and demand respect from their partners when they are less emotionally mature. Those who do well in the long run with love have the emotional maturity to simply warrant recognition and be pleased to gift recognition as well.

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Wow. Yes, this is what I was talking about! Coincidentally, maybe also what I needed to hear in my own relationship. It gets tough, then confusing, then maybe I think: " I should run away from this."; but, fighting off that urge, the persistence is usually rewarding.

Plus, asking so much of him in accommodating my Aspie, I should work hard, too.

Maybe we wonder: "If it's difficult, is it not love?"

Romantic Love is BS.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGelJhg4B9Q[/youtube]