Two "kinds" of love

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To me, two kinds of love means.
Partnership, romantic love with one person
love, for caring about someone, platonic love, love for multiple people.

Maybe it's true that I will learn to develop the kind of attachments to form a stable relationship when I meet the right girl, who knows?

At this point, the two types of girls/women I'm attracted to relate to the two types of love that I mentioned. One is the type of woman who is maternal, usually but not necessarily older, very non-aspie but also not the social butterfly party girl, more the hyper-empathic type. Essentially, someone who can create a new "family bubble" for me to crawl back into when it's time to settle down. The other type is very girlish, often younger, new to love, hyperactive and imaginative. These type are not worldly but rather live in their own world and have a deep innocence (though also an uncanny precociousness in a way).

Basically, it could be summed up as one type being like the mothers of the girls I grew up around as a kid, and the other being like those girls themselves. It's theoretically possible that there could be someone out there who fulfills both, but I consider that unlikely. Another way to describe it is like in Peter Pan, with one type being like Wendy and the other being like Tinkerbell (it's been a LONG time since I actually read this story, but I'm using it because it seems this story is really about those two kinds of love that I mentioned).

This is the type of girl I've been drawn to in the last few years. Especially younger (but not too younger) girls ages 23 to 28. After that, and they get all obsessed with settling down, which flat-out scares me. They have that youthful spark and innocence, with just a hint of jadedness to make them seem more relatable, that gives me warm fuzzies all over. That and makes me forget my troubles, like my boss at work, family issues, overpriced rent payments, and the rest. Plus, the affectionate, appreciative smile they give me when I dance with them, using moves they haven't seen in guys their age, just can't be beat. (Most young guys aren't into dancing that doesn't involve full-body contact; i.e. grinding.)

The cruise girl from my earlier posts is a perfect example of her. (Ironically, she was engaged to and had a kid with a guy she said she wasn't totally happy with.) I think many NT adult men secretly wish for that kind of love, only will never it admit to themselves, let alone to other people. After all, the song "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock continues to be popular for a reason. But instead, they're forced to settle for the ever-sharing, ever-committed, serious kind of love.

I think things may have changed since I was in middle and high school. There was not much "grinding" there. Well, in middle school it wouldn't have been allowed, but in high school it just wasn't that popular. One thing I did notice was that at high school dances there were always slow songs where people danced close by each other, whereas at college dances this almost never happened. I didn't quite know what to feel about that. On one hand I didn't have as much of a chance to feel left out, as I was nearly always one of the ones without a partner for the slow songs in high school (a few times one girl would volunteer herself to dance with me). On the other hand, there would have been no opportunity to dance close even if I had met a girl who liked me.

I would really like it if there were middle school type dances for adults who are at the same stage of romantic development as young adolescents. Then I'd have the chance to dance like that again. Of course if I meet a woman who shares my interest in that we could have our own private middle school dance



I see what you're saying here, and I think that to some extent it's true, especially for guys. But I also think you need to draw a line between someone who is nostalgic for a certain time in one's life and someone who is still in that stage. Like this woman you mentioned, she had a kid. People with kids often feel really burdened and stressed with responsibilities, and many will jump at the opportunity to let loose and party, but I wouldn't confuse this with actually having the mind of a kid.

Makes me sad tbh because Im a teen now and long for the experiences friendship and a relationship give you as a teenager because Im well aware after high school things will change.

The 'high school' experience of love and dating but also friendships... I'm in my last g0ddamn year, this is my ONLY year to still live that.

I have a crush on this girl at school and im friends with her and it does feel like im living the teen experience more - but it's slipping away because time is so short.

Maybe hopefully i can still experience some of it or at least get over it as I mature into a young adult...

I have experienced a college dance. I went with a girl who showed interest in me at the time. Only there were three problems: (1) I wasn't physically attracted to her at all, (2) she was kind of boring to be around, and (3) she didn't want to dance close, like the slow dance in an embrace. So that college dance was one of the biggest let-downs of my life. I mostly stopped talking to that girl since, since in my mind at the time, she was responsible for the let-down. I think I hurt her feelings by doing that, but I was 18, so I forgave myself.

Luckily, similar dance experiences exist for adults. I had something like that happen on a cruise. Not the one with the cruise girl, but the one a year later, also done solo. I met an amazingly fun group of friends, guys and girls. We were all dancing with each other in a very provocative manner: twerking accompanied by grinding, racy Latin dancing with bodies pressed together and hands all over, and other raunchy moves typically found in college spring break videos. No slow dancing, but I was so happy from all the oxytocin (a touch hormone) in my brain, I really didn't care. We became kind of (in)famous around the ship, with people recognizing us.

While I have experienced high school friendships, it seems like mine resembled the older crowd's more laid-back friendships. I've read people senior quotes in the yearbook (that I now use as a bathroom reader, at least the part I didn't use as fireplace kindling), and was utterly disgusted. Those NT friendships just didn't seem genuine, and appeared to be based on only three things: cars, athletics, and pranks on innocent people. I never experienced high school dating, since in my school, a guy had to have a car to go on even one date.

I totally know what you mean by this. The girls who have been into me in the past 5 years or so were all not my type physically, and on top of that many of them had personalities that I couldn't get into either. Not that they had bad personalities--in fact some of them were very sweet, thoughtful, good people. But there's a certain type of mannerisms that draw me to girls, usually either a maternal vibe or else a "pixie-like" personality, full of creativity and intense dreaminess.



I don't know if that's exactly my thing. I'm not into twerking, and much racy dancing embodies sexuality in a more adult, culturally-conforming manner than what I'm into. Also much of the music I'm into doesn't lend itself well to twerking...

However, I have heard of something called a "cuddle party". The people who go to those say the same thing--they believe that the oxytocin released by the experience has uplifting, health-promoting effects. Most cuddle parties forbid actual sex, but some allow activities on a par with what happens at middle/high school dances, and I'd imagine that if you and someone else like each other, you could go farther after the party.



I'm sorry about your high school experience. My high school was a small private school in a large city (though isolated from a lot of the "ugliness" and hectic part of city life). There was this atmosphere where everyone, be they into science, math, art, drama, whatever, was trying to discover and develop their passions. Sort of like a modern equivalent of a Greek symposium, if you will. Yes, there was strong academic pressure, and also there were many rich white kids (though the school did a great job trying to counteract this with generous financial aid). But in general, I have never been in a place like that again.

Yes, there are places with lots of educated people in one place, like graduate school or tech companies. However, people in these environments are generally rather isolated from people whose passions are in a completely different area. Also, even the "nerds" I've met in these sorts of places are at a much higher level of interpersonal development than what happened in high school, and therefore their sense of who they are and where they fit in socially is quite solidified.

Unfortunately, I was socially quite apathetic in high school, and didn't realize that if I didn't take advantage of the environment, others would pass me by.

Well, I don't know if a black Ed Hardy T-shirt and multiple large tattoos (one almost sleeve-sized) constitute a "pixie-like dreaminess" in your book, but I'm pretty sure you would have liked the cruise girl if you met her instead of me . She showed just the right level of emotiveness, seemed to like hugging and holding hands a lot, and even bought me a cocktail when I told her I liked tequila drinks. Almost makes me wonder what her fiance (now husband, presumably) is like, and what brought them together.

But the first girl to ever date me was very much like you described. She was a nice girl. And I could easily overlook her plain appearance. Given how I was equally unattractive, I was more than happy to be with her. But I couldn't get over how she was kind of boring to be around (no shared interests) and bone-dry emotionally. After some time, I started not wanting her any my girlfriend anymore. But since I felt like no one else would ever be interested in me, I stayed with her up until I found out she stopped liking me.

No it does not. I think most tattoos look very ugly. I also dislike most piercings. I'm aware that the girl I sent you in the PM (which it seems you haven't responded to) has a lip piercing in some of her later videos, but even she looked better without. She may have tattoos, but at least they're not visible in the videos.

Although this is getting off topic, since you mentioned T-shirts I'll mention that for some reason I despise T-shirts with text on them in that font that looks like an old English newspaper. I'd never be caught dead wearing one of those. I don't know why--but I have noticed that there is overlap between the types of people who have lots of tattoos and who wear those kind of shirts. I do like Pokemon/cartoon/Hello Kitty shirts though, and some indie band shirts. I also like neon-colored hair and bracelets with pony beads.



I know what you mean about staying with someone because you think that's the only person you're going to get. I'm curious, when you say you were unattractive, did you actually think you looked ugly, or did you just infer that from the lack of interest you got? I have been told by quite some people, guys and girls, that I'm handsome--sometimes even by the same girls who are disinterested in me romantically. However, I do think that having had a chronic illness (I don't mean AS here) has had an effect on things. I do feel that in some way I have obsessed about certain girls as an escape from the depressing world of my illness, and at the same time their lack of interest contributed to my negative state of mind.

Biostructure, I think we're the only ones still following this thread. By the way, I really recommend the movie Amélie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Am%C3%A9lie). It's about an inquisitive, eccentric young woman with an active imagination, who explores Paris, helps people around her, and finds love. Her character's general traits match the ones you said you like.

I saw those photos and video links you sent, and couldn't get into them. One, they looked almost too innocent; I like girls that are slightly rough around the edges, but at the same time, non-threatening. Two, since I knew they were lesbians (or worse, pretending to be such to mock beta males), I couldn't get turned on by them. They looked attractive, but my reactions were similar to those of female portraits in an art museum. Not sexual at all.

It was both. I got rated 3.4 on hotornot.com, and more than one girl said "ew, gross!" in reference to me. The girls/women who said I did look attractive, were "supposed to" say that: family members, female friends, a therapist, etc., so I took their words with a grain of salt. I even went in for a consultation with a plastic surgeon, who was nice enough to do a computer simulation of my new face. But the cost (not covered by my insurance) and the recovery time were way bigger than I could afford. So I had to wait until I aged into my looks.

It seems that in fact we are very different in what we are attracted to, even if we use similar words to describe it. For me, "looking too innocent" is almost a contradiction in terms. Well, maybe if they looked like a 5-year-old, but even then it wouldn't so much be "too innocent" as just not having any curves in their body. I would love to find a woman who has all the wonder and boundless fascination of about a 9-year-old girl, in a slightly more mature-looking "package" and of course with the ability to consent to a relationship.

If I recall you had friendships in childhood, while I was a loner. Therefore, you might feel older interpersonally than I do, having not gone through that. Also, I get the sense that our sexualities are quite different. To me, full intercourse is actually kind of a turn-off to watch in most cases. My sexuality is more like on a "you show me yours" level with some kissing and fondling. I have these "innocent" desires despite having been sexually involved with several women (albeit ones that I wasn't attracted to).

Therefore, I think that many women that others would call "sexy" (in terms of personality) are actually a turn-off for me. That's why I wouldn't see an escort--I know any curiosity they would have toward guys would not be genuine, having been intimate with so many guys before. I may have seen one out of desperation had I never gotten to be with a woman at all, but now that I realize what I really need to enjoy a relationship, I wouldn't.

I have noticed, though, that the few women I meet who are innocent enough for me tend to be either not very attractive or else have traditional ideas about love being forever, etc. I spend a lot of time thinking about where the innocent, pretty (inside and out), and less serious-about-love girls are. I think that's part of the reason I tend to like lesbians--it seems more of them are like that than straight women.



So you've had quite a few female friends? I haven't had many--I suppose that might be a consequence of not having many good friends of either gender. This is largely for the same reason as I can't get into most women--I would love to have friends with whom I can play like kids do, but most 20-something guys are either into idiotic parties or else are really serious about their lives. I've found one group of geeks that does things like Nerf gun fights, and another group specifically for aspies that does things like bumper cars, bowling, etc.--but both of those are seriously lacking in single girls.

And friend-wise, liking those activities doesn't translate into what I'd really want in a friend, which is someone with whom I can share my special interests and they can share theirs. That's what I want from a romantic partner too--I guess I'm a bit like rdos in that manner. But romantic attraction requires that our special interests/inner worlds complement each other in a particular way, as well as of course appearance factoring in too.



Sorry to hear that. I'm glad you feel better about your looks now.

I see what you mean in relation to playfulness, and I think that as I entered my teens, most girls suddenly became aliens to me and after that I didn't think I had much or anything in common with them. A few still wanted to play romantic games without sex and partying, but those probably weren't NTs either.

OTOH, I do find a mature body most attractive. I'm not attracted to pre-teens at all.



That looks a lot like me too. That's why I prefer to identify as asexual, even if I only dislike intercourse.



Yes, genuine interest is very important, and also persistent interest. The lesser relationships they've had the more attractive and interesting I find them. Frequent partner changing is a big turn-off.



What's so bad with "love for ever"? I judge that as a positive trait, almost a must. It also doesn't mean monogamy to me, it only means that whom ever I get really involved with will be in my thoughts forever.

In regards to being serious, this is a must for me. Girl's that lack serious and persistent interest in me are not relationship material. I don't think being serious has a connection to playfulness. Girls that are playful can still be serious in their interest.



I think that for a friend, sharing interests is a must, but for a romantic partner it is enough to share some interest(s). If I wanted to have a partner that shared my strongest interests in programming, I'd probably not be able to find anybody. I'm actually of the opinion that you don't need to know anything about a girl's interests in order to get involved with her. What I do need to know about her is that she is neurodiverse (and thus compatible) and that she has a persistent interest for me. That's all I need.

I could say without doubt, I have both kinds with my current girlfriend (who is honestly the one I want to spend the rest of my life with)

We are great friends, love discovering things together, and are very playful around each other and not afraid to look "stupid"

We also plan for our future, do special / romantic things for each other and have a great sex life.

It's like an adult version of a childish friendship and at times we do very childish things, but also want to be intimate.

Yes, that's kind of what I meant (minus the compulsive sex trait ). Not every girl turns into a party-goer and serial dater as she goes through puberty. A few girls remain playful but still develop in other ways, just not as typical party-goers and serial daters. I've also met Aspie women that are still playful at 40, and can do really childish things. Many will involve if you take the first step, so I don't think this is even unusual.

It may sound unusual, but she is actually the first person I've really enjoyed sex with. It's playful and she is able to give me clear direction if need be without ruining the "mood" and my body responds well to her as she actually bothered to listen when I've told her how to touch me and what to avoid.

My most enjoyable sex experience was actually kind of like this. It was with an escort that was both playful and sexually aggressive. She was 21 and I was 26 at the time. Not to mention she was gorgeous. Very few sex partners I've had since then, both escorts and free ones, were able to top that experience. Perhaps playing catch-up had something to do with it; heck, I was a virgin at age 21, and my first non-paid sex at age 23 was with a girl I wasn't physically attracted to.

Sadly, as I get older, 20-something sex partners, who tend to be most playful, will become an increasingly unrealistic possibility. And with older women, it's only possible through contrived role-playing that I never be able to get into. Because when I've been with 30- or even 40-something escorts (when I myself was in late 20's), they were affectionate and took charge when they sensed they needed to, but they just didn't have that zestful playfulness I find attractive.