When is it over?

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Peacesells, I think his wife actually has one foot out the door, but he doesn't realize it. She told him something like, "Maybe I'm not the one for you anymore" when he complained to her. I used to tell my ex things like that before I left him, just to test the waters. I don't think she's become a less affectionate human being, I think she just doesn't feel affectionate toward him. One of these days he'll get served with divorce papers and claim it was out of the blue.
(I'm responding to you because OP only seems to respond to those who agree with him)

Note to women who get angry at men for wanting sex:
It is the equivalent of getting angry at women for menstruating.

Not at all. It's not necessary to have sex other than as a means to procreate. It's especially not necessary to have sex when you are in your late 40s or early 50s, when people typically don't want any more children. After menopause, there is no reason at all to have sex.

Menstruation, OTOH, is something physiological.

Are you just speaking to the universe in general, or what? Either way, you're wrong.

You might be entirely right. Only time will tell. I have stopped all thoughts and actions towards pursing this other woman, and will not be the one to initiate a divorce. My wife and daughter haven't done anything to deserve the pain and negative changes in lifestyle that it would cause. I knew I had to stop this before it got any further because it wasn't going to have a good outcome.

Not that it excuses anything I did, but it is difficult at best to have a deep relationship with another person when you cannot read non-verbal communication. I keep seeing things that say 75% or so of all communication is non-verbal. Wow, that is a lot of things being sent to me that I am oblivious to. I sure am missing out on a lot.

You may or may not believe me but I really do love my wife. I was afraid that maybe she no longer loved me. She says she does, and she says that we have a good marriage. We both see the same therapist for individual therapy and that one told me yesterday during an appointment that my wife says those same things to her.

I wouldn't blame my wife if she did want to leave me. Living with someone with Asperger's when you are an NT must be very difficult. I didn't know I had this when we got married, so obviously she didn't either and didn't know what she was getting herself into. I am pretty sure her life's goal wasn't to marry someone with autism.

I know I did things that I shouldn't have done. Luckily it never got past the flirtation at her work stage. I had thought many times before about how to end it, but I didn't want to do so in a way that would make her feel bad, and to be honest, I liked the attention. I went about it the wrong way, but I had felt happier in the past month than I had felt in years. I realize that I was the one taking my wife for granted, and I should feel happy instead for the life that I do have with her, that she puts up with me, and that we are raising a family together.

Thing have actually been very good between us for the past few days (this is my perception, and what my wife says, you can believe me or not, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't). My wife now knows that affection is important to me. I never told her that before. I just assumed that she knew because I assumed it was important to everyone. I didn't know that some people are uncomfortable with affection (other than AS people who have sensitivity issues), or that it just isn't important for some people. Due to my own AS I guess I need concrete signs for love and and I guess I assumed that everyone else did also. Yesterday my therapist told me to read "The 5 Languages of Love" to learn that people can express affection in other ways. My wife has read that book and thinks that we might still have it around the house.

She still talks about the wonderful date that we had last Saturday night, where we didn't do anything special, just walked somewhere for dinner and then to another close by place for coffee. She is really excited about the trip we are taking out of town this weekend. We are going to Oklahoma City, which is only 80 miles away, but there is a lot to do there, we are staying in a nice part of town, and she is just looking forward to getting away from the routine and having a couple of days to do whatever we want without the responsibilities around the house that we have.

At the time, I knew what I was starting to do was deceptive, which I knew was wrong, but I sure did like the feelings I was having. I was also starting to see it having a negative effect on me in ways that I didn't like either. Something like this had never happened to me before in my marriage. I now hopefully know how to prevent it from happening again, or to cut it off before it gets going.

All of this started because one of my therapists told me some of the things that I was doing before, and not doing before, that kept women from being interested in me for much of my life. I decided to try those things out to see if what he said was true. It obviously was. Now I know that, and also know that I need to be on constant watch to make sure I am not using them in any way that could be harmful to others-in other words, only act that way towards my wife, who I am so incredibly lucky to have.

Sorry to ramble on but I have a lot to get off of my mind. I do thank everyone here for helping me to wake up as soon as I did and before it was too late. I hope it isn't.

I am not sure, but your situation seems different. And consider that she is 15 years older than you, to some people it happens that they get less physical (less saying "you're hot", less hugs ect).

Yes there is, it's called pleasure and most people still feel the need to have it (both women and men). You are just asexual and you are not able to understand sexual people and put yourself in their shoes.

Last edited by Peacesells on 02 Sep 2015, 6:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Yeah, but there are peaks and valleys with sexuality. It varies individually, but the older I get the more silly I find sex. In other words, the gain doesn't surpass the cost.

I think you're a fine woman, Ann...and I do hope you find a satisfactory guy for yourself.

Thanks.

If I did enter a relationship it wouldn't be for the sex, but rather, for companionship.

I don't think of sex as being the "end-all," either (though it's nice! )

If it's only sex, it's really not worth much.

KK & robot, get a room already

ProfJohn, your last, rambling post makes me like you; and also makes me want to berate you for trying to justify yourself (or giving the impression) to random strangers on the internet who, for all we know, are no "better" than you are.

Your story reminds me of some old joke where the punchline was the farmer's wife saying to her husband: "You can work up an appetite wherever you want but you'll eat at home!". I forgot what the set-up was.

Peace to all

But there is so much sex on the TV

Isn't that the truth!

After doing some more reading, it does sound like most marriages and long term relationships reach this stage. It is too bad, it would be great if the infatuation stage could last forever. It is such a wonderful feeling. Wonder why it has to go away.

We do try to have a date night 1 or 2 times a month. My one therapist says that is much more than most people have. Guess we can be grateful for that. I didn't realize that most couples with children have that much trouble finding an evening to themselves a couple of times a month. Guess it helps to only have one child.

In my opinion it's not the infatuation that tends to go away in long term relationships - it's the neediness. I've been married to my husband for 12 years now and still find him as attractive as ever but I don't feel the need to tell him every 10 minutes to prove my continued interest in him and him alone because after 12 years he knows that. And the same goes the other way - I don't need to be told I'm beautiful constantly or need to be constantly holding hands or in some sort of physical contact to know my husband loves me.

I do know, though, that there is a certain feeling that goes with infatuation, almost a high, that does seem to go away. The excitedness for each day and the great feelings you have about being in love do seem to decline. I don't think I am unique in that feeling in that I have heard others say the same thing.