What do Aspies want in relationships?

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Another thing I want to say is if you have to ask her to tell you that you're attractive, then that isn't a real compliment from the heart. How can you feel better from that?

Besides, the evidence that looks and intelligence are not important in neurodiverse courtship is that I've had girls that were a lot more attractive than me show interest in me, and I've shown interest in girls that were less attractive and intelligent. Therefore, it's not a market of looks and intelligence if you do it seriously and not like a social game. And if you do it like a social game, then you cannot be aiming at a serious LTR.

I have been married for over 15 yrs. My hubby pays me a lot of compliments about my appearance and i probably pay him fewer although i have not counted. It does not mean i don't like the way he looks (i think he is very good-looking!) i just don't always think of it. I think he has some aspie traits; i have a lot of aspie traits which can be somewhat disabling at times in social situations. His are less obvious--i think he may be more ADHD than true aspie. However, he is enough like me that we get along pretty well. I say all this so you know where i am coming from. I would speak to your wife not paying you so many compliments Prof John...if she is an aspie she may need some space--don't know but i find that is true for me. I want companionship but if I do not get some time alone I get very overwhelmed pretty quickly. I love my family, but interaction with people drains my energy reserves. At times, I need to rest and recharge without people needing me, no matter how much i love them. As far as what aspies look for in relationships-- I would say i look for companionship and sex in my marriage--but hubby looks for sex more often than i do. It is not that i don't want it, just that his timetable is more often than mine. I am usually ok with accommodating him though--he can be persuasive. I like hugs and some touching, but have more difficulty with kissing and a lot of touching due to sensory issues. He does not understand this so I try to not hold it against him. I have been able to teach him what i like over the years; some of it sinks in and some still hasn't. But marriage is also about constantly growing with each other. NTs and aspies all go through rough patches; and maybe that is what is happening with you and your wife. Over the years, when we emerge from one of those rough patches, things are better than before. I hope that is what happens with you as well--best wishes for many more good years together for the two of you.

Nurseangela: It was not my intention to be hurtful to my wife or anyone else in my post. I guess I was just blowing off some steam and maybe things didn't come out right. Believe me, my wife is an NT through and through. I don't have much experience with relationships so I don't really know how they change over time. The only other long term relationship I have had lasted 19 months, and for 8 of those it was a long distance relationship where we saw each other once a month or so, so the infatuation and passion never died down. We never lived together, so we didn't get to the familiarity part that seems to be common. That is what a couple of different people have told me-at some point you get so familiar with your spouse that you stop noticing certain things, and might then stop commenting on those things. For some reason, that has never stopped or slowed down for me in terms of my wife's appearance, but it seems to have someone with my wife. On the other hand, she has started commenting much more on how she loves the time we have together, how she enjoys going out and doing things together, etc. Those comments are definitely worth something also, and I enjoy those also. I just didn't know how to interpret a reduction in comments about my physical appearance. Now I know how to interpret that.

Several people have told me that if my wife still is affectionate with me and still has sex with me, then of course she still finds me physically attractive. I guess I didn't see it that way before because I have had affectionate moments and sex before with women I didn't find physically attractive, although those instances didn't last very long, definitely not 16 years. Many of the things you hear on TV make it sound like if the passion is going down in your marriage, it means that your marriage is in trouble or that someone is having an affair, not that it is a normal progression of a marriage. If you define passion by sex, then no, it did decline after my daughter was born (probably very common) but has actually been increasing again. The flirtatious behavior and long affectionate times has decreased, but after doing some more reading, it sounds like that is pretty normal in longer relationships.

My wife has assured me that she hasn't cheated on me-she didn't use those words but that is what she meant, and she things that our marriage is very good. I would have to say overall that it is also. We do like many of the same things, have the same values, enjoy doing things together, and have built a life together that seems to work for both of us and that we both like for the most part. Are there some things I would like to change in my marriage? Of course, I think every marriage has that. But what I have today is beyond something I could have imagined when I was in my 20s and couldn't even get a date.

My view of relationships is probably different from the norm due to:

1. Having Asperger's.
2. Being sexually abused as a child
3. Having adoption and attachment issues
4. Being bullied in school including where girls would act like they liked me just to set me up for a joke.

Unfortunately I have always had this feeling that one day my wife will just decide that she doesn't love me any more. I am sure that it comes from those previous issues and I am working on those, and the feeling is getting less and less. My sister (who I am not particularly close to) knows something about me that if she ever told my wife about it, my wife would divorce me immediately. It doesn't involve cheating on my wife (I haven't done that) or any illegitimate kids running around that I haven't told her about. So I have had to always walk around with that fear as well, although I am pretty sure my sister wouldn't do that.

I guess my comment about other future marriages or so came from this idea that my wife would leave me. As I had said a few posts ago, she told me a couple of weeks ago that she thinks that we have a deep spiritual connection, that we were meant to be together, and that she would never be the one to end our marriage. I feel that way too most of the time, but I probably get more confused about relationship issues due to my lake of experience in these things. I now once again realize what I lucky person I am to have what I do with my wife. It sounds better than the way some of my friends describe their marriages. Many of them say their wives stopped complimenting them on their appearance as well, so maybe this is a typical thing after years of marriage.

What I don't want to end up with is a marriage like my parents have. Yes, they were married for 45 years, but whenever my Dad left the room, my mom would just constantly criticize him, say how hard he was to live with, etc. I don't know why they stay married if it was like that. I think it was just too hard for them to change their life at that point. I have been assured by some cousins who knew my parents well that they really did love each other, and that proved the strength of their love, that they felt comfortable criticizing each other because they knew the other one wouldn't leave them. To me, that sounds like a pretty dysfunction way to demonstrate the depths of your love, and I sure hope it never happens to me.

Probably.an.Aspie: Thanks for the feedback as well and it is nice to hear a female perspective from someone who has gone through this and to know that it doesn't mean that the marriage is in trouble or that your feelings towards your spouse have changed.

Sorry for the long post but it did me good to get this all out at least.

I'm glad the feedback was helpful. One other thing i thought of--before i knew anything about aspergers, i was very insecure, feeling that i never measured up to what i should be; afraid my hubby was not satisfied with me, etc. After learning about aspergers and realizing that i likely had it (after one of our children was diagnosed w/ it) I became much more comfortable with the aspie traits i saw in myself realizing that i was different but that this didn't make me defective. I am sorry for the sadness and abuse in your life. I was not abused and my parents did love me as a child and still do. I am sure that my insecurity came from the neurological makeup that is just part of aspergers and the anxiety that tends to go with it. Also, though i was not abused as a child, i was constantly corrected for my aspie traits at school; and blamed for willful disobedience at times when it was neurological rather than being careless or disobedient. Now that i see things more clearly in this, I am better about not needing to constantly hear that i am ok (although it is still nice when someone compliments me). Do you think that your insecurity may also be part and parcel of your own neurology, possibly made worse by the abuse but not caused by it? I have a family member whom i suspect is an undiagnosed aspie who is very insecure no matter what good traits he is complimented on. i think it is just part of the way his brain works.

I am very careful not to talk my husband down to others. Also not in front of our kids. It is just not a good thing to do. If I have a problem with something he does, i address it privately to him. But we present a united front to the rest of the world. It has saved us untold grief. Makes discipline of children easier too--they cannot play one against the other because we will always back each other up. If there is a difference of opinion, we discuss it between the two of us and then give the kids our answer. I disagree that criticising your mate in front of others is a sign of security in the relationship--i think it is disrespectful. My husband would be very irritated if i did that; and i am sure he would not do that to me.

Anyway, i hope you can find some answers for your anxiety. Your wife sounds like a nice lady and a keeper; even though you may have a rough patch right now. If both parties are willing to try and are good hearted people (not abusive or deceitful, cheating, etc.) I think there is almost always a way to make things work. It makes me sad when people end their marriages for reasons that could be worked out if they took some time and effort. It is a commitment and takes work, but it is well worth all the time and effort when you look back over all the things you have been through together and realize you are even more in love 18 years later than you were at the beginning.

A woman that can keep me occupied. Take me places, tell me how I am special to her. Make myself feel one to that person. Never leaves my side and can hold a great conversation, not boring not bitchy. Be able to relate to her. I know she is out there. I know she is.

What do I want in a relationship?

*Someone that is trustworty
*Someone that is loyal
*Someone that truly cares for me
*Someone that understands me
*Someone that I am compatible with, both physically and mentally

I just have three mutual rules/understandings. "Communication. Honesty and Respect". Everything else follows.

Well, that's the idea anyway! However, still seems to be a major flaw in that hypothesis thus far!

I have so many things I like to do in a day.

So besides being kind-hearted, nice and someone who I get along with well, a woman would also have to give me space and not be too needy all the time.

Clingy, needy girlfriends are the worst. That doesn't mean she is not allowed to be a human with emotions in need of support. That's one thing. It's another to hang around all the time and not have a life of her own. That's annoying and off-putting. There is a nice middle ground between the two.

I like making appointments and structuring my day, so the ideal woman for me would be someone who would be content with hanging out perhaps every other day or a couple days a week as opposed to every day.

I certainly could live with someone, but she'd have to be the bookworm type or someone who enjoys spending time with her hobbies to give me a break

Personally I want a potential partner that would be my best friend as well as being a romantic partner, I haven't yet met him and don't think I will, in this lifetime anyway.

Haven't met anyone I feel a connection with, or that zing! they call it in the hotel Transylvania film.

I'm waiting for that zing lol

I just want someone to f**k.

If she want no sex, then it's automatic deal breaker.