Is anyone lowering their standards or willing to settle?

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21 May 2016, 3:14 pm

I think settling means different things to different people. I never had a list of specifics, yeah I have a leaning towards blue eyes, but if I end up with a brown eyed boy I don't see that as settling.

Due to the lack of interest in me I would define settling as getting into a serious relationship with whoever just actually wants to go out with me regardless of whether I have feelings for him or not.

Not gonna do it though... Hopefully. The odds of someone available actually liking me are slim. I think if someone did like me I'd at least be a little bit intrigued and wouldn't turn them down.

Sweetleaf
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21 May 2016, 5:04 pm

sly279 wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

Amarvilasx wrote:

I settled and am quite crazy in love. As the boyfriend is with me.

All's well that ends well :heart:

The way I understand it settling is when you decide to be with someone you don't care much for...but you feel it's better than being single. So curious as to why you think you've settled if you're crazy in love with your B.F, just seems a little contradictory.

Settling is having a list of what s guy must have to be dateable then accepting a guy who only has a few of those things but is good enough. Not settling would be holding to your list despite there not being s guy who will ever meet all the items on it.

Most guys would prefer a thin woman, most settle for non thin one.

Love isn't based off lists of wants, love happens randomly. You could love a person who meets non of your requirements or even has few of your red flags. You might never love the idea dream person who meet all your requirements. I'm willing to bet most people who are happily in a relationship with someone they love settled.

The idea man or woman doesn't exist, society lied. One can either accept reality or stay bitterly alone forever.

And what is wrong with having a list of things that you see as deal breakers and holding to it? people are allowed some self respect. There is a middle ground between a reasonable list of deal breakers and creating a list of traits your dream person has and expecting to find someone that meets all the items. I've never created a dream person that no one can possibly expect to live up to...seems silly to me, but its smart to have a checklist of things you don't want that you abide by.

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sly279
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21 May 2016, 5:57 pm

Nothing if you're fine being alone forever or at least long time.

There's thousands of long term single women on datin site just in my area who have list of requirements most men here can't meet.

I could certainly make a list but I see that is stupid to limit oneself, I'd rather just give people w chance and see if I like them for who they are not their accomplishments

So being willing to give people a chance equals no self respect?

I don't get why you're being defensive if you not one with those lists. What's it to you 0.o

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22 May 2016, 12:43 am

Yes a sensible list is a good idea. You want to be with someone who has similar ideals and goals in life.You have to be practical.

But some people have idiotic lists and will never ever met anyone because their list is too narrow and superficial; like they must dress such and such a way or I won't consider them.

Minervx_2
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22 May 2016, 1:51 am

I totally agree with the original poster. I think there should be hard lines against abuse and selfishness, but that aside, the idea that we have to have everything figured out before we get involved with someone is just destructive. What about the moment?

Life begins today. Not someday.

Why take a stalwart "I must find Mr./Ms. Right" approach? Not everything is boom or bust. Why not enjoy a casual Mr./Mrs. Right Now? Maybe they have some instabilities (mental or financial), but they might be totally supportive for a critical moment of your life. Maybe they won't last forever, but they might make for a great year?

Us overweight people, we like to fantasize about what dating will be like when we're skinny, but why not date now? Also why rule out overweight people automatically? Maybe they're a great lover with an amazing personality? Who cares what your friends think? Why restrict our age range? I dated older women who I find absolutely beautiful and amazing people.

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22 May 2016, 5:11 am

sly279 wrote:

Nothing if you're fine being alone forever or at least long time.

I don't mean this to sound like a challenge, but have you ever been with someone who isn't very right for you? When you have, it is easy to see how being alone can make you happier than settling and being with the wrong person. That person may be great, but it doesn't mean they are a great match for you.

I suppose we could argue that the concept of settling is detrimental, since it implies waiting for an ideal which may or may not be realistic. It is probably better to understand how you can each add to each other's lives rather than think in terms of settling or "the one."

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22 May 2016, 5:22 am

Not willing to lower my minimum standard requirements.
The requirements I have are directly related to my levels of productivity.
The older I get the more I realise why I value the time I that I can keep for myself.
The vast majority of my life, I have been on my own, and people are drama-magnets.
For whatever reason there seem to be a lot of moms out there trying to adopt me as her son.

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22 May 2016, 5:30 am

Ban-Dodger wrote:

The vast majority of my life, I have been on my own, and people are drama-magnets.

Ha! Yes, that's a very good point.

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22 May 2016, 3:27 pm

I have the base standard that everyone has.

Don't be violent or abusive.

Pretty much open on anything else.

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22 May 2016, 6:08 pm

sly279 wrote:

I never said being willing to give people a chance equals no self respect, I was more implying having no standards whatsoever isn't very smart. The way I see it anyone I went out with I was giving a chance to see if we were compatible.

Also I just think it is possible to have a reasonable list rather than a list of ridiculous standards you expect someone to fit.

Like my standard list was pretty much they aren't abusive/manipultive, they aren't condescending, they enjoy similar music/movies and have somewhat similar interests, they aren't the type to hold me to gender roles like expecting me to wear make up, shave all my body hair ect. They are into sharing social life and interests/hobbies rather than keeping them separate and aren't too materialistic like valuing things over valuing each other.

I don't think that is too unreasonable, especially since it didn't prevent me finding someone.

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22 May 2016, 6:17 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:

My boyfriend is a bit overweight or at least more chubby than skinny whereas I am quite skinny that doesn't stop me finding him extremely attractive....as for caring what friends or close people think that can be valuable to an extent, if they are concerned this person is mistreating you or badly influencing you then it stands to reason they'd want to say so. Though it depends on if you have genuine friends or petty ones that just don't like that you're spending time with someone else. As for age range as long as your not stepping into the territory of pedophilia I don't see the big deal there either.

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22 May 2016, 6:20 pm

sly279 wrote:

I have the base standard that everyone has.

Don't be violent or abusive.

Pretty much open on anything else.

shouldn't they also be ok with your life-style, have a couple common interests and not hate your interests? I mean there are plenty of people who aren't violent or abusive that I wouldn't want to date...such as people who fit in that category and have a strong dislike for metal music or dislike girls with a less feminine appearance and would expect me to start doing my nails and wearing dresses or whatever for instance.

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22 May 2016, 6:56 pm

"to the hungry man, every bitter thing is sweet."

sly279
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22 May 2016, 9:08 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

sly279 wrote:

I have the base standard that everyone has.

Don't be violent or abusive.

Pretty much open on anything else.

Sounds more like reasons why they wouldn't date me. Lots of people who won't date me

Like liberals, while I'm not opposed to dating them ,they strong,h opposed to my likes of guns.

I've come to realize I have no right to be picky. Plenty of people with different likes, hobbies, music tastes Etc end up together. So clearly common interest isn't as important to most people. Most guys it seems simple change their life style to fit a girls. Seems I'll have to as well. It's what guys see all the time growing up and are told. Happy girl happy life.

Always been told I'd have to stop playing video games, watching cartoons/anime/scifi, when i got a gf. Dress how they want me do, do things they want, go places they want Etc.

Sure it'd be great to find s girl who likes me for me, but that doesn't seem to be how the world works.

Foolish to think I'd be a exception

Norbertto
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22 May 2016, 9:18 pm

Sly... amen... I have aspergers... never had a gf willing to live barebones and have her dictate my life... except having my own money/job... I recently purchased and soon offline downloaded a boon from Google play books: The Aspergers love guide... maybe it will help you too

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22 May 2016, 9:42 pm

sly279 wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

sly279 wrote:

I have the base standard that everyone has.

Don't be violent or abusive.

Pretty much open on anything else.

What would I do with a boyfriend I shared no interests whatsoever with and who hated the metal I listen to and would never even think of going to such a concert with me. I never wanted a guy who would change his lifestyle to fit a girls lifestyle...I preferred the idea of one who already has a similar one.

Also I play video games and watch cartoons(usually the ones more geared towards an older audience than young children though), and like to be with someone who has some similar interests and such so that we want to do simular things and go to similar places at least some of the time. I wouldn't settle for someone who didn't like me for me, that is my point...I don't advice a ridiculous set of standards but I wouldn't be with someone just to be with someone. I have tried that and guess what it didn't work so yeah I am not going to ever think settling is the way to go.

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