When is it appropriate to approach someone you don't know?

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Bataar
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05 Aug 2016, 12:44 pm

For me, it's always appropriate to approach someone you don't know if you have something valid to tell or ask them. That's been my problem, with someone I don't know, there's never anything worth talking about with them so I never approach. How do you talk about shared interests with someone if you don't know if you share any interests?



John 35 Alabama
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05 Aug 2016, 1:52 pm

Bataar, that's where small talk comes into play. And I hated it most of my life, but in the last five years or so, I started to get decent at it. It's tricky, but most people who are receptive to it will drop some clues of things to talk about. If it's at a bar, then likely something will be on TV. Someone will be talking to the bartender, and you can chime in. Just can't be too factual or logical, or you'll get weird looks.
And it's taking a risk for embarrassment, because just one wrong comment and you'll hear the crickets.



Bataar
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05 Aug 2016, 2:06 pm

John 35 Alabama wrote:
Bataar, that's where small talk comes into play. And I hated it most of my life, but in the last five years or so, I started to get decent at it. It's tricky, but most people who are receptive to it will drop some clues of things to talk about. If it's at a bar, then likely something will be on TV. Someone will be talking to the bartender, and you can chime in. Just can't be too factual or logical, or you'll get weird looks.
And it's taking a risk for embarrassment, because just one wrong comment and you'll hear the crickets.

Yeah, I just hate small talk so much. I don't want to spend the time/energy asking someone a question if I don't care at all what the answer is going to be. I can be decent at it if I want, but it's just so frustrating it's not worth it. People think I'm shy, but I'm really not. I just don't do small talk.



Outrider
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05 Aug 2016, 7:18 pm

Small talk is fine for me, what's not is the conversation being judged as 'negative' or 'boring' due to 'awkward silences'.

If no one knows what to say, why do people feel very awkward and uncomfortable so quickly?

This has to make you think on the spot for some boring, random icebreaker or topic related to the current environment.

Why can't people enjoy some silence until they think of what to say next?

It's happened to me before. "Hi, my name is...what's yours?" *handshake* "Hi, I'm..." "Pleased to meet you." "You, too." *Silence*.

Also, isn't it a strange question to ask someone you just introduced yourself too "So, what's some of the things you like to do?", because I feel like it would be.



Spiderpig
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05 Aug 2016, 10:16 pm

John 35 Alabama wrote:
Well.. I see voting for Trump as a moral duty. If it's not good for me, tough cookies. :)


What’s the problem with that? It’s solely your business.

John 35 Alabama wrote:
Trust me, you do not want me to expand on this post.


It’s your choice to expand or not. You’re not doing me any favor by withholding information that would presumably make me change my mind. Meanwhile, I stand by what I said.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Aug 2016, 8:54 am

Outrider, are you really seeing guys approaching girls in all those places you mentioned?

All what I see, that every one/group minds their own business, and no one interacts with strangers.



Spiderpig
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06 Aug 2016, 9:18 am

Strangers are meant to remain strangers. Lonely people are meant to stay lonely.


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Outrider
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06 Aug 2016, 9:41 am

I didn't say I see it - I said I encourage males to do it.

Yes, it is rare.

Not just men approaching women for love/sex, but anyone approaching anyone at all for any reason, aside from people who need a simple favor like the time or reaching something up high.

People are cold, standoffish and keep to themselves.

I actually don't like it.

Yeah, I understand not wanting to chat with every random person, I understand plenty of people have had a bad day or are just going through a lot.

But people could be a little friendlier. I'm talking about regular, ordinary people trying to engage in simple, polite small talk.

I guess it partly also has to do with the bandwagon effect/conformity - the only reason I don't do it most of the time is because I'll assume others wouldn't want me bothering them.

Interestingly, in 11th grade I managed to successfully have plenty of conversations on the bus ride to school.

It was local bus and went to the university bus stop first so a lot of young college adults would ride the morning bus too.

I mostly spoke to young men from other countries (Indian men, a few fellow Aussies, an American or two, and this one Hungarian dude) and had some pretty cool conversations about all kinds of things.

It's probably the advantage of youth that helped more than anything - people are generally friendlier to curious, polite young people.

I've also observed elderly men and women are far more likely to ask young people for help with something than anyone else - young women today, what with their Feminism and female empowerment and "I DON'T NEED NO MAN" attitude rarely, if ever, will ask a man for help with anything unless it's a store clerk.

Of all times I've been asked for help, it's typically been from middle-aged or elderly women too short to reach something or properly see something.



Spiderpig
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06 Aug 2016, 10:12 am

Nothing wrong with women refusing to ask you for help—fewer people bothering you.


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John 35 Alabama
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06 Aug 2016, 12:52 pm

Spiderpig, I love when people bother me. I wish I could make a living by having people bother me all day and ask me things. It's part of why I come here. Otherwise, I would "just ignore it" and go have fun the rest of my life.



androbot01
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06 Aug 2016, 2:41 pm

I didn't read the whole thread, but I think in the situation of the OP it would be fairly normal to chat with someone you are in a lobby with. As long as the subject matter is relevant and current. For example, "It's nice to be in here out of the summer heat." Then proceed depending on her reaction. If she is responsive keep talking, if not shut up.



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Aug 2016, 2:49 pm

Well, I think most guys nowadays understood the society's
subtle message (in media, on net, ...etc) that women don't
want to be bothered in any form or shape.
Hence, no more approaching.



John 35 Alabama
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06 Aug 2016, 2:56 pm

Boo, I understand how tempting it is to stay in your own world. But no, guys are definitely approaching women, and in fact, they often do it very aggressively. Not taking no for an answer. Huge grin on their faces as they challenge every aspect of the conversation - and I see the women laughing and loving it. I'm sorry the world works this way, but please try to stop misrepresenting it to others on here. A lot of these guys seriously do want to learn and find out how to improve their approaching skills.



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Aug 2016, 2:58 pm

John 35 Alabama wrote:
Boo, I understand how tempting it is to stay in your own world. But no, guys are definitely approaching women, and in fact, they often do it very aggressively. Not taking no for an answer. Huge grin on their faces as they challenge every aspect of the conversation - and I see the women laughing and loving it. I'm sorry the world works this way, but please try to stop misrepresenting it to others on here. A lot of these guys seriously do want to learn and find out how to improve their approaching skills.



I am curious, are you married or in relationship?

If yes, is this how you got to know her?



John 35 Alabama
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06 Aug 2016, 3:01 pm

Yes. I got to know her by approaching a stranger in a public place. I also see what you are trying to do here, and it makes me very upset.



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Aug 2016, 3:07 pm

John 35 Alabama wrote:
Yes. I got to know her by approaching a stranger in a public place. I also see what you are trying to do here, and it makes me very upset.


I just figured out why you are a so strong proponent for the cold approach thing.

Because for you, it worked.