I broke up with my aspie boyfriend...could I have done more?

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And possibly he just didn't feel,the same way for me as I do for him . . . .. And that's no crime

I am so torn, because I still can't shake this feeling that he just can't get past the expression barrier, now that you explained the meaning behind the other thing. Some can't seem to get past that Discomfort of expressing themselves. Mine has trouble to some extent as well, but not to the point that we see most of the time. He has more of an uncertainty of what to say or how to say it, than anything else. At first, I thought maybe that's what your friends problem was, but not after a year, you would think. Let me sleep on it, and see what my brain comes up with in the morning.

I wish I could help you more.

To me, all of these examples about Aspie guys (could have been Aspie girls too), have one thing in common: The guy doesn't attach with sex. The NT will attach when they have sex, and will think they have something going, and let it advance. The trouble is, the Aspie is not attaching, so for him, it is only a nice friendship, and when the NT girl gets too demanding that it is a relationship, he will just not be interested and will "fade" away. The red flag here probably is that sex appears to have no effect on him, and if you ignore that, you are up for big trouble. Note that a guy don't need to be outright asexual or even dislike sex for not attaching with it. I think not attaching with sex is much more common than being asexual, especially for guys. You also cannot work on this, so it doesn't help that you accept that "everybody" attaches with sex. It still won't happen.

Also, this scenario exists in the reverse too: Many ND guys (and girls) will attach by obsessing about somebody, and this can be started when there is no mutual interest and result in the same (probably even worse) problems for the ND when the NT decides to ignore or move on.

The latter also suggests the only viable solution when one attaches with sex and the other with obsessing: You need to do both, but this doesn't work with "friendship-turned-into-relationship".

To me, all of these examples about Aspie guys (could have been Aspie girls too), have one thing in common: The guy doesn't attach with sex. The NT will attach when they have sex, and will think they have something going, and let it advance. The trouble is, the Aspie is not attaching, so for him, it is only a nice friendship, and when the NT girl gets too demanding that it is a relationship, he will just not be interested and will "fade" away. The red flag here probably is that sex appears to have no effect on him, and if you ignore that, you are up for big trouble. Note that a guy don't need to be outright asexual or even dislike sex for not attaching with it. I think not attaching with sex is much more common than being asexual, especially for guys. You also cannot work on this, so it doesn't help that you accept that "everybody" attaches with sex. It still won't happen.

Also, this scenario exists in the reverse too: Many ND guys (and girls) will attach by obsessing about somebody, and this can be started when there is no mutual interest and result in the same (probably even worse) problems for the ND when the NT decides to ignore or move on.

The latter also suggests the only viable solution when one attaches with sex and the other with obsessing: You need to do both, but this doesn't work with "friendship-turned-into-relationship".[/quote]

Thank you for you thoughts. In my case it was not sexual relationship and neither was there any intention for it to be so. I think possibly the point about not attaching and just enjoying a "nice" friendship is true. However does that not come dangerously close to suggesting that aspies don't have feelings?
I don't know what I think . . . . . On the one hand I believe her cares about me and is unable to express it sufficiently for my liking. On the other hand I think he just enjoys the fact that I arrange fun days out. Sort picnics, tickets etc and engage with him in his special interests, but has no feelings attached to me or "us"

The problem with the attachment process is the same even if there was no sex. I'm asexual and desire non-sexual relationships, but that still doesn't work without the obsessing phase either. It will just be a nice friendship.



It could be misinterpreted like that. For me, friendships and relationships are not even close to be similar. When I'm friends with somebody I would typically want some exchange regarding my special interests, and when that no longer happens, I tend to get bored and contact is reduced and possibly even cease completely. I don't get friends just to hang-out like NTs (I can go alone to interest groups for that). When I have a crush or when I'm in a relationship, I'm attached, I won't get bored, I don't need the girl to take any interest in my special interests, and it typically will not come to an end. To some extent, you can think of it like a parent-child attachment.



Seems likely, yes. NDs do not express feelings towards friends the same way as NTs do.

Well we have talked it through and all ok again. I'm not sure if he went through a crush phase with me. He did use to text me constantly _in the beginning it was almost too much. He still does a lot. I always get goodnight and good morning texts . . . . ..we shall keep,fighting for this. As he said "it was never him that said he wanted the friendship,to,cease" which is true.

Last edited by Anngables on 07 Aug 2016, 8:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm really glad you two are going to keep working on things. That is good news! And to Rdos, I must admit, I was quite lost and confused by your explanations. Were you saying Aspies don't attach on a friendship level, but do on a crush/relationship level, and sex has no baring either way? I'm lost...

Yes it is good news .. . . .. And I was a little lost with RDOS explanation . . . .either way as a different friend just said "he must really care for you to put up with your tantrums!" And I guess there is some truth in that. Although to be fair I think we both work very hard in our different ways to try and maintain what we have, and it's not always easy.

There is difficulty on both sides of both the Neurotipical and the neurodiverse persons behalf, to fit in to the other persons world, but every day, if we all try to compromise, be patient, accept each other for who we are, stop trying to fit square pegs into round holes, love without demands, but gently guide and help one another to be the best person we can be, Listen to what each other is saying, in the respective language we speak instead of pushing for what we want to hear and what we're not hearing, and Learn to understand each other's language, and ways of expressing emotions it would become so much easier... Just a thought.

Yes indeed brigitte - problems occur and always will when two humans interact, however this is the same for all people not just in the nt/nd relationship. I do find I learn more and more about myself through this process. I stopped and thought about our recent arguments and realised there was one thing in particular that always upset me when I pushed for validation or reassurance . . . . .having got to the crux of my issue, I then addressed it by writing my friend a long email explaining and why this then led to us going around in ever decreasing circles.

He asked for some time to read it and digest and then came back happy to accept my suggestions and glad I had told him . . .. It was like a lightbulb moment when i was walking the dog and suddenly realised what had REALLY upset me. Sometimes we are not so in touch with our own feelings.

Remember rdos has his own little perspective on things. He's telling you how he feels. It doesn't necessarily apply to all aspies. Most of the time the aspies on here don't even know what rdos is going on about.

If you've met one person with Aspergers you've met one person with Aspergers.

To state it more clearly: Some NDs won't form strong attachments to friends, and will only form strong attachments with romantic partners if they have a history of a crush and obsessing about their crush for a while. That means they can easily switch friends, and that LTRs mostly happens if they were obsessing about their crush. But then that's me and some other NDs, so cannot be generalized to everybody. One always has to see a person as an individual, often with a mixture of ND and NT traits.

Aaah, thank you. That made things much much clearer. At first, your post confused me greatly, but this lends it much clarity. I agree with you on the last bit. This applies to all traits. Too many times, I find people trying to generalize, when it comes to both ND's and NT's. The way I see it is, at the end of the day, we are all just people, trying to fit in to this harsh world the best we can, plain and simple.