Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

What makes someone unattractive?

Page 5 of 9 [ 139 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Alliekit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Mar 2016
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,182
Location: England

19 Mar 2017, 8:40 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What basically Sabreclaw is saying that lonely people ended up lonely because there's something fundamentally wrong with them, it can be anything (too ugly, too poor, too uneducated, too aspie...etc) and not because of others.

I kinda agree with this.


Just take a look at the kind of person that can end up in a relationship. The one thing they all have in common is... well, nothing. People of all sorts of personalities and body shapes/sizes end up in relationships, or at the very least are sexually active. It's rare to wind up forever alone, and it means that something isn't quite working on your end. I refer to this something as the "x-factor", since it's nothing I can point to.

If I could go back and rephrase my first post I would. Ignore it; it just relates to my feelings about myself. I don't mean to suggest all lonely people are worthless, just me in particular.


Maybe it's just luck? They are lucky enough to find the right person?


It's not even about finding the one right person. It's about the difference between having a normal romantic life and being a forever-aloner. What do normal people have that the perpetually single don't?


I would suggest its different things for different people. For some there are definitely reasons I can pick out they might be perpetually single but even then you would assume there is someone.

Edit: just to explain what I mean I know that when I was perpetually single I hated myself emmensly and thought that being confident about my good points was bad. When I decided that I didn't care about if me being aware of my good points was viewed as too much I started getting a hell of a lot more interest.



Sabreclaw
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2015
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,971

19 Mar 2017, 8:47 am

Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What basically Sabreclaw is saying that lonely people ended up lonely because there's something fundamentally wrong with them, it can be anything (too ugly, too poor, too uneducated, too aspie...etc) and not because of others.

I kinda agree with this.


Just take a look at the kind of person that can end up in a relationship. The one thing they all have in common is... well, nothing. People of all sorts of personalities and body shapes/sizes end up in relationships, or at the very least are sexually active. It's rare to wind up forever alone, and it means that something isn't quite working on your end. I refer to this something as the "x-factor", since it's nothing I can point to.

If I could go back and rephrase my first post I would. Ignore it; it just relates to my feelings about myself. I don't mean to suggest all lonely people are worthless, just me in particular.


Maybe it's just luck? They are lucky enough to find the right person?


It's not even about finding the one right person. It's about the difference between having a normal romantic life and being a forever-aloner. What do normal people have that the perpetually single don't?


I would suggest its different things for different people. For some there are definitely reasons I can pick out they might be perpetually single but even then you would assume there is someone.


Except every single thing you can point to and say "that's it, that's why they're single", you will find people who also have that and get by in life just fine. My father, for instance, was a poor, jobless, unfit, alcoholic short man, with serious social anxiety, and although he wasn't abusive he was negligent and selfish. My mother fell for him, and is still with him to this day. Hell, there's countless blatant sexists in relationships, lord only knows how. I have a suicidal acquaintance who's had three girlfriends, all while he was depressed, another friend who ranted on his public Facebook account about how lonely he was and then wound up with a girlfriend about five years ago, and the two are still together, a depressed cousin who isn't single, so don't try to play the "you need to love yourself card" because that's simply not true.

There is no objective list of things that lock you out of relationships. And yet somehow a small group of people, including myself, have found a way to totally screw up one of the most basic aspects of human life.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,452
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

19 Mar 2017, 8:56 am

Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What basically Sabreclaw is saying that lonely people ended up lonely because there's something fundamentally wrong with them, it can be anything (too ugly, too poor, too uneducated, too aspie...etc) and not because of others.

I kinda agree with this.


Just take a look at the kind of person that can end up in a relationship. The one thing they all have in common is... well, nothing. People of all sorts of personalities and body shapes/sizes end up in relationships, or at the very least are sexually active. It's rare to wind up forever alone, and it means that something isn't quite working on your end. I refer to this something as the "x-factor", since it's nothing I can point to.

If I could go back and rephrase my first post I would. Ignore it; it just relates to my feelings about myself. I don't mean to suggest all lonely people are worthless, just me in particular.


Maybe it's just luck? They are lucky enough to find the right person?



What does the 'right person' means? If I like someone who is the rightest compatible person to me in every way possible(personality wise, interests....all) yet she rejects me. Is this one no longer the right person?



Alliekit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Mar 2016
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,182
Location: England

19 Mar 2017, 9:38 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What basically Sabreclaw is saying that lonely people ended up lonely because there's something fundamentally wrong with them, it can be anything (too ugly, too poor, too uneducated, too aspie...etc) and not because of others.

I kinda agree with this.


Just take a look at the kind of person that can end up in a relationship. The one thing they all have in common is... well, nothing. People of all sorts of personalities and body shapes/sizes end up in relationships, or at the very least are sexually active. It's rare to wind up forever alone, and it means that something isn't quite working on your end. I refer to this something as the "x-factor", since it's nothing I can point to.

If I could go back and rephrase my first post I would. Ignore it; it just relates to my feelings about myself. I don't mean to suggest all lonely people are worthless, just me in particular.


Maybe it's just luck? They are lucky enough to find the right person?


It's not even about finding the one right person. It's about the difference between having a normal romantic life and being a forever-aloner. What do normal people have that the perpetually single don't?


I would suggest its different things for different people. For some there are definitely reasons I can pick out they might be perpetually single but even then you would assume there is someone.


Except every single thing you can point to and say "that's it, that's why they're single", you will find people who also have that and get by in life just fine. My father, for instance, was a poor, jobless, unfit, alcoholic short man, with serious social anxiety, and although he wasn't abusive he was negligent and selfish. My mother fell for him, and is still with him to this day. Hell, there's countless blatant sexists in relationships, lord only knows how. I have a suicidal acquaintance who's had three girlfriends, all while he was depressed, another friend who ranted on his public Facebook account about how lonely he was and then wound up with a girlfriend about five years ago, and the two are still together, a depressed cousin who isn't single, so don't try to play the "you need to love yourself card" because that's simply not true.

There is no objective list of things that lock you out of relationships. And yet somehow a small group of people, including myself, have found a way to totally screw up one of the most basic aspects of human life.


I wasn't trying to play the if you love yourself card. That's why i said even then you would assume there is someone for them. I was just rambling and wondering not offering an answer if that makes sense.



Alliekit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Mar 2016
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,182
Location: England

19 Mar 2017, 9:40 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What basically Sabreclaw is saying that lonely people ended up lonely because there's something fundamentally wrong with them, it can be anything (too ugly, too poor, too uneducated, too aspie...etc) and not because of others.

I kinda agree with this.


Just take a look at the kind of person that can end up in a relationship. The one thing they all have in common is... well, nothing. People of all sorts of personalities and body shapes/sizes end up in relationships, or at the very least are sexually active. It's rare to wind up forever alone, and it means that something isn't quite working on your end. I refer to this something as the "x-factor", since it's nothing I can point to.

If I could go back and rephrase my first post I would. Ignore it; it just relates to my feelings about myself. I don't mean to suggest all lonely people are worthless, just me in particular.


Maybe it's just luck? They are lucky enough to find the right person?



What does the 'right person' means? If I like someone who is the rightest compatible person to me in every way possible(personality wise, interests....all) yet she rejects me. Is this one no longer the right person?


Because you aren't the right person for her?

That's why my previous question was posed as a question as opposed to a statement because I was questioning if that could be a factor.



slw1990
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2014
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,406

19 Mar 2017, 5:15 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
Blaming others for one's loneliness is a subconscious defensive measure. Once you realize that loneliness is a result of your own worthlessness, you fall into deep depression and since you're all alone nobody is going to even care, making depression that much more powerful.

It's only natural to claw onto any excuse you can to avoid admitting to yourself what you truly are.


I'm willing to make improvements of my shortcomings. I just don't always know how. Blaming others for everything just makes me feel like there's nothing I can do to make the situation better.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

19 Mar 2017, 5:23 pm

At least SLW looks like the Mona Lisa. She has one leg up already.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,747
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

19 Mar 2017, 5:53 pm

slw1990 wrote:
I'm willing to make improvements of my shortcomings. I just don't always know how. Blaming others for everything just makes me feel like there's nothing I can do to make the situation better.


I feel like that too.
If I have no control or ability to change things I'm hopeless.



314pe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Sep 2014
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,013

20 Mar 2017, 3:01 am

hurtloam wrote:
The people we meet and try to date never get to know us well enough to know our good points. They only see a shallow surface representation of who we are.

Yes, that's why it's very important to improve this surface representation. If you won't, then nobody will have a chance to know your good points.



Shahunshah
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,225
Location: NZ

20 Mar 2017, 3:28 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What basically Sabreclaw is saying that lonely people ended up lonely because there's something fundamentally wrong with them, it can be anything (too ugly, too poor, too uneducated, too aspie...etc) and not because of others.

I kinda agree with this.
Wrong, your never woke up in a pit you were put in their. Things have to change and its not just us its them.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,452
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

20 Mar 2017, 3:29 am

^ That's why most people marry colleagues, coworkers, friends, friends of friends....because there's a phase of bonding happens before the dating part.



Shahunshah
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,225
Location: NZ

20 Mar 2017, 3:42 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ That's why most people marry colleagues, coworkers, friends, friends of friends....because there's a phase of bonding happens before the dating part.
I know. Many Aspies you never learnt how to make friends or communicate well can reach that stage it is up to neurotypicals to give them a hand.



Shahunshah
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,225
Location: NZ

20 Mar 2017, 4:08 am

So Allikeit, Face of Boo and Sabreclaw I am 16 you are a hell of allot older than me. What would you say an Aspie needs to do in this area.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

20 Mar 2017, 4:56 am

I know the question wasn't directed to me.

I would dress neatly, in clean clothes. I wouldn't put stripes with plaids. I would shower every day.

I would talk about my family---superficially at first. If she brings up deeper stuff, I would bring up deeper stuff. Family is the great icebreaker.

I would familiarize myself with at least some aspects of pop culture. I hope you find someone who is philosophically inclined, though. Yes, there are girls like that!

I would seek to at least give the impression that you're listening, and that you seek dialogue, not monologue.

I wouldn't mention anything about sex. Compliments about how one "looks" is cool, though.

I wouldn't mention autism or other mental disorders, unless she does.

I would not get argumentative if she says something that you don't agree with. If she espoused something like Nazism, though, I would stay away.

Don't be like Trump lol. Trump exudes "loose cannon."



Sabreclaw
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2015
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,971

20 Mar 2017, 5:21 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ That's why most people marry colleagues, coworkers, friends, friends of friends....because there's a phase of bonding happens before the dating part.


Exactly the reason I dislike the idea of asking out strangers. It takes away a very important step in forming a meaningful relationship. Since you have nothing but hormones to work with, you fall back onto your checklist of wants and don't-wants in a partner, potentially never giving an ideal partner the chance to bond with you. Plus it reduces your partner to "the one who said yes", as opposed to "the one I truly wanted".

Shahunshah wrote:
So Allikeit, Face of Boo and Sabreclaw I am 16 you are a hell of allot older than me. What would you say an Aspie needs to do in this area.


Don't ask for my advice. I'm an appallingly bad person to ask about how to be a social success.

kraftiekortie wrote:
Don't be like Trump lol. Trump exudes "loose cannon."

Trump is a quite popular over in America. He's controversial, but has huge amounts of die-hard fans. Maybe being like him will make your social life great again.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

20 Mar 2017, 5:29 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ That's why most people marry colleagues, coworkers, friends, friends of friends....because there's a phase of bonding happens before the dating part.


Exactly the reason I dislike the idea of asking out strangers. It takes away a very important step in forming a meaningful relationship. Since you have nothing but hormones to work with, you fall back onto your checklist of wants and don't-wants in a partner, potentially never giving an ideal partner the chance to bond with you. Plus it reduces your partner to "the one who said yes", as opposed to "the one I truly wanted".


Exactly. If you cannot use friends or colleagues, participate in activities you like that have women in them that are suitable for you. You can get to know them without having to ask them out. Dancing and other activities that involve physical contact are probably superior.