Why would my family say these bad things about marriage?

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In my surrounding, it's not even at all, I only know one husband who's a control freak, all the other cases are women.

My brother's gf?? Sheeh, she has him on a leach, seriously.

I think it may be due to the motherly instinct? There's a fine line between a motherly-type of caring and control freakeness.

My girlfriend started to show such....well...."signs" of control - starting with little innocent things.

'Baby, keep your beard much longer', "Baby, eat this, don't eat that", "Baby, wait one hour after gym before taking shower", "Baby, you should reply like this" , "Baby, You should tell me what you are doing" .....

Whoa! Whoa!! Baby, slow down! You're not my 2nd mom .....so I sent her this:



She stopped with these ever since, she said she understood what I meant - I think she got the message.

You and I know VERY different people, it seems. My relationship most certainly isn't like that, and my parents' wasn't, my sister's isn't, and neither are my friends'. My husband and I only give opinions on clothes, hair, etc when we ask each other, which we commonly do when considering doing something out of our norm. Most of the house has been a collaborative decision, although he defers to me on "decoration" for the sole reason that he truly doesn't care (same as I defer to him on most electronics and appliances). Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, IMHO. Being controlling interferes with that.

I have known plenty of men, however, who are controlling. They try to dictate who their wives can talk to at social events, whether or not their wives can work, who their wives can be friends with, and so on. A lot more substantial and damaging than T shirts and hair length, IMHO. And a giant red flag. I do known one woman like that, not a friend, and I consider what she does to be abusive; I would consider interfering if I could find an effective way to do it. But, if someone can take a hint and grow a little like your girlfriend did, I consider that a positive. People don't know what you want from a relationship unless you speak up (some guys are more than happy to let their girlfriends dress and groom them). And, well, a lot of times people only know what they've witnessed, and for far too many people that has only been unhealthy relationships.

This is a false dichotomy. There plenty of women who want to control who their husband talks to aswell.

My dad has problems making little decisions when my mom is around because he's worried he'll make the wrong one. My mom kinda likes things her way. That is one of the reasons I avoided doing lots of tasks at home & am so dependent as an adult . But anyways my dad makes the major decisions on his own without caring or really factoring in how they would affect my mom or how she would feel & he gives his input on decisions that only affect my mom as if the decision would really affect him. It's like my dad has a hard time making small decisions on his own but he wants control over big decisions & whatever decisions mom makes for herself. It's weird.

I've had control problems within my current realtionship & with both exes. Some of the issue is due to BAD anxiety & OCD. It's kinda of easy to become controlling when your having daily panic attacks worrying something bad is going on or will. Becoming controlling was a major way I screwed up both previous relationships. Very luckily I got on OCD & anxiety meds that are working well for me before I started my current realtionship. It's kind of hard to say who's in charge in this realtionship. My girlfriend has problems making decisions sometimes due to anxiety, OCD & depression & she wants or needs me to make some decisions for her sometimes. There's some decisions I have a hard time making thou due to my issues & disabilities like what I want Cass to cook & planning shopping trips. I do better making these types of more little decisions when I'm given choices. If Cass asks me what she should eat; I don't know because I don't really know what she has available; but I can decide fast if she lists 3 things. She just went along with what I wanted when we were trying to make some big decisions. I think she kind of resents me for making some because she's not happy but I did NOT really know she would of had this much problem with em because she didn't really tell me & explain what she wanted. She's also made some big decisions that affect both of us without consulting me. I wish we could work on making big decisions together where we'd both explain how we feel & what we want & then we try to find a way to address each other's concerns; instead of her making a major decision on her own that she wants or just going along with me when I'm figuring something major out that will affect both of us.

You made me analyse several marriages I know.
I spotted many different configurations: husbands controlling their wives, wives controlling their husbands, mutual control and no controlling at all. And a funny couple where the husband has been succesfully resisting his wife's attempts to control him for over 30 years now. Yes, they are still together.
Also, when it comes to female-to-male control, I know much more examples of controlling (or attempting to control) mothers than wifes.

Analysing all that, I came to conclusion that male-to-female and female-to-male control seem to substantially differ. Controlling males are likely to put down the controlled ones to feed themselves their feeling of superiority. Controlling females, on the other hand, are often more Lady Macbeth - like, forcing the controlled males to gain as high social status as possible. And I know a couple in my family where it is clearly mutual, maybe even self-propelling.

Boo, you are perfectly right to resist your gf's attempts to control you. I wish some guys I know were as assertive with their SOs. It's healthy for both of you.

Good observation, the typical male-to-female control scenario you described doesn’t last, it would end up with divorce or seperaion - and it is seen by society as abnormal.

While the female-to-male control (the type you described it, as attempting to maximise the man’s status)? It’s pretty much seen as the norm.

These more recent posts have some interesting observations and discussion on control. The main thing to remember is that everyone is different. It isn't right to generalize, but looking at patterns so you know what you do and don't want in your own future can be productive.

Not too long ago, my extended family said something else. It was meant to motivate me, but it backfired instead. It convinced me even more than marriage is a zero-sum game, rather than inspiring me to get into a relationship with a woman. I think it was the tone, rather than the wording, that did it.

* "Marriage is a very beautiful thing!" (said in a preachy tone, like a "fire and brimstone" church sermon)
Counter-argument: Beautiful for whom? Me? Or my wife?

The punchline is that my wife will have all the power in our home (hence, "beautiful"), while I'll be scrambling to keep her from getting "upset" (read: angry). Of course, I can luck out and meet a woman with an easygoing personality. But my whole life, I had no luck with, well, luck. I had to work hard for everything I have, and I never won anything.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 23 Mar 2018, 11:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like a double binding message.
Don't get married unless you find a person you expect you would be happy with!

I’m a big believer in letting the wife have all the power in the home. But I think of a bit differently. Think about a professional office. The doctor isn’t the boss. The lawyer isn’t the boss. The high school principal isn’t the boss. The SECRETARY, or administrative assistant is the real power behind the throne. She is the gatekeeper. And her (or his, even), employment is directly dependent on an ability to keep the professional an ongoing success. If the office isn’t perfectly organized, if there is not a steady flow or rhyhm to the day, if clients, patients, or parents aren’t happy, if government regulators aren’t happy, if vendors and agencies aren’t paid, she’s out of a job and it falls on the titular boss to deliver bad news.

The TRADITIONAL role of wives has always been to keep that same rhythm and flow to the house. Even if the traditional role of the husband is engaged and he’s the “boss” of the house, upsetting that flow means that he’s working against her. She swept the floors, washed dishes, bathed the kids, and you leave empty beer cans and chip bags lying around for HER to clean up. Or she has dinner waiting for you and you don’t have the balls to tell your boss if you have to work late one more night then he can kiss your @$$. She’s there to make YOUR life easier. And if we’re talking about traditional roles, it’s really understandable that she’d be upset and that you need to do everything in your power to keep her happy—and I can’t stress this enough—WITHIN REASON.

We may not always be referring to traditional roles, and that’s fine. You can sum everything up simply by saying treat each other with kindness and decency. The real challenge is finding a wife who can do that. Like I always say, we are all selfish creatures. A woman may confuse a smooth household with status and become unreasonably demanding. Another woman might just be chronically contentious. Yet another might just be violently insane. Find a girl who acts the way you think the perfect wife for you would act and marry her.

If dealing with those kinds of dynamics is too much, don’t bother with dating and LTR. I’d rather see someone single than IAR and miserable.

My folks have said off putting things about marriage and my whole family are all conservative Christians ... Granted they don't approve of my boyfriend right now which could be a reason why they are saying these negative things. At least from a christian stand point I want to do the right thing, even if I don't have my parents full approval.

Your analogy is very inaccurate. Most men nowadays are at least slightly afraid of their wife. I worked in offices since 2004, and I have yet to see a boss who's afraid of his admin assistant (secretary). Also, if you look at any TV sitcom involving a couple, the wife always treats her husband like garbage. Even real-life couples I know are all unfun and sedate. Conversely, an admin assistant usually respects her boss, even if begrudgingly. And after the workday, the boss can go home and have fun as he pleases.

Another very important detail: if an admin assistant disrespects her boss, he can fire her and walk away scot-free. If a wife disrespects her husband, he has to put up or shut up. Because if he divorces her, he will lose the house, the car, the dog, the kids, and his antique stamp collection, and will have to pay alimony and child support.

Well, an admin assistant can also claim sexual harassment and it’s her word against his. There’ve been some high profile resignations as of late over mere accusations.

But that’s not the point.

Point is that husbands are afraid of their wives when there’s no reason to be. Women have an elevated sense of status when they have no reason to. It’s all backwards.

I’m not afraid of my wife. I’m afraid of how empty my life would be without her in it. I’m not afraid of my wife being the boss in the home. I’m afraid of what my home would be like if she WASN’T the boss. She runs the place so I don’t have to have that stress on me. And I don’t punish her for it by being indecisive when it counts the most. She dominates the home. She doesn’t dominate ME.

Men can rise up and reclaim their balls any time they want to. The idea that men have to be neutered by wives is ridiculous and absurd. The sad thing is, as you mentioned, they seem to be afraid to. I think it’s more they don’t know that they can. There’s been so much noise about men/women equality and feminism crap that nobody knows what being a man or woman even means anymore. I’m not going to get into defining a man’s place or a woman’s place. You as a couple need to figure that out. But I’ve seen too many men compromise their obligations outside the home because the little woman thinks “we need to spend more time together.”

I’ve known a few stay-at-home moms. And the one day a week two of my former coworkers had to work late, the little wifey sends a text or calls and we have to cancel our work, send everyone home, because the baby is sick. Wait...you’re a stay-at-home mom and it takes both of you to look after a child for 3 freakin’ hours? My wife called up once in a panic because our baby fell, hit her head, and she was on the way to the hospital. I’m like, is she throwing up? Is she alert? Bleeding out the ears? No? Ok...you got this. I’m kinda stuck here!

Men my age and younger don’t usually shrug that off. And yeah, the wife will throw a major tantrum over LITTLE THINGS.

No, you’re doing it wrong. When you’re talking about marriage, you sit down together and you lay it all out on the table. I work odd hours and nobody can sub for me on short notice. You can’t wait for me for everything. If x happens on a Wednesday night or a Sunday morning, you have to be prepared to take it on your own and I’ll catch up with you ASAP. And after marriage and kids, you sit down and talk out your emergency plans. And if she starts giving you crap, remind her that you talked about this way back when and nothing has changed. And BEFORE you get married, if you aren’t on the same page or if someone’s just saying words they think the other person wants to hear and that mean nothing, you end the relationship. Simple as all that.

Divorce doesn’t work the way you think it does. The problem is men really have had a long history of being jerks and women have long had a history of being on the losing end. Divorce for many women is about the only thing they have the upper hand in. You cheated on your wife? You created a situation in which marriage is unlivable? Yeah, I’d say you have a lifetime of making up for what you screwed up.

But men do have legal rights, too, and can really mess a woman over if they want. I worked for a lawyer. His ex-wife ran off with a bluesman, fried her brain on drugs, and picked up an extra 300-400 lbs. along the way. Guess what? She pays HIM child support. SHE got kicked out of the home. SHE lost most of her possessions. SHE lost her kids.

A friend of mine cheated on her husband because she was unhappy, was a total b¡t¢# from hell to him, and filed for divorce. Sure, she got primary custody. Sure, she gets child support. But she’s also under court order that tells her how far away she can live. If her new husband gets a new job and has to relocate, guess what? So sorry...the police will issue a warrant and she’ll do jail time.

The divorce process is lengthy even for clear cut, simple NFD. What nobody tells you is, if you’re a good guy who loves his wife, just how long, painful, and miserable you can make your wife along the way. Women...no, scratch that...PEOPLE try to run from spouses for all sorts of reasons, none of them good, and think they can get away with it with a quick and easy blueback. It doesn’t actually work that way. If you’re fighting to save the marriage, you take the loopholes, stall tactics, red tape, etc. to draw out the process while you wait for the other person to screw up. He or she will...they ALWAYS do. They already have, because why do you think they want out in the first place? So you wait. Very patiently. Give your private investigator time to do his very thorough work. And then you go for the jugular.

I’ve been in that business, trust me. I know what it looks like from the other side of the desk. I’ve typed up the papers and served ‘em myself.

What you’ve basically exposed is how ignorant men are of the power they have in and out of relationships. I don’t dispute the reality of what you’re saying. The problem is there are other ways of getting along together that doesn’t involve emasculation or abuse. And men don’t know their legal rights, either, and they stupidly just sign everything away. Screw that. Look, if you got caught cheating and she’s giving you an out, you have two options: BEG for forgiveness and NEVER do it again; take the out. The problem with staying and working it out is you ARE and forever will be a cheater. She will hold that over your head the rest of your life, so you might as well hand in your man license while you’re at it. If she won’t forgive you, you can’t really fight it because there’s much worse waiting for you while you don’t have a leg to stand on. If there’s a time to be afraid of a woman, that’s it.

Oh, and I’m not proselytizing for marriage. I just think some of your ideas are wrong or inaccurate. I don’t for one second believe any of that will change your mind, and perhaps even make you feel just that much more AGAINST the idea.

My marriage has never been like those horror stories you seem to keep hearing. But no relationship is all that EASY. So if anything I’ve said or others have said only confirms your bias against it, don’t take any of it as pressure to go that route.