22 Jun 2019, 6:40 am
nick007 wrote:
When guys talk about asking women out offline on this forum a common theme they get told is to invite the woman out for coffee so this invite for coffee = sex thing is something LOTS on this forum are not aware of since noone said that on here till now. It is no wonder so many of guys on the spectrum struggled to get dates cuz women we asked out kept assuming we were wanting sex instead of dates. I'm not saying lots of Aspie guys were not also wanting sex but they were trying to start with dating the women they asked out for coffee.
Noooooooooooo. You don't understand. It depends on the circumstances. Not all invites for coffee mean sex.
Meeting in the afternoon in a busy town cafe is a very innocent way to get to know someone. There's no hanky panky gonna happen. You're in a crowded room.
Going on an evening date then at the end of it saying, "do you want to come back to my place for coffee" means sex. Hanky panky may happen because you have the privacy for it.
Coffee in a public place isn't code for sex.
The key to figuring out this code is:
are they asking if I want to spend time ALONE with them. Any excuse can be used, but the key thing is alone time and privacy.
Back in the olden days it was, "do you want to come to my place and see my etchings"...
The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jun 2019, 8:32 am
22 Jun 2019, 8:36 am
The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jun 2019, 8:45 am
22 Jun 2019, 9:09 am
Sweetleaf
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22 Jun 2019, 10:14 am
hurtloam wrote:
nick007 wrote:
When guys talk about asking women out offline on this forum a common theme they get told is to invite the woman out for coffee so this invite for coffee = sex thing is something LOTS on this forum are not aware of since noone said that on here till now. It is no wonder so many of guys on the spectrum struggled to get dates cuz women we asked out kept assuming we were wanting sex instead of dates. I'm not saying lots of Aspie guys were not also wanting sex but they were trying to start with dating the women they asked out for coffee.
Noooooooooooo. You don't understand. It depends on the circumstances. Not all invites for coffee mean sex.
Meeting in the afternoon in a busy town cafe is a very innocent way to get to know someone. There's no hanky panky gonna happen. You're in a crowded room.
Going on an evening date then at the end of it saying, "do you want to come back to my place for coffee" means sex. Hanky panky may happen because you have the privacy for it.
Coffee in a public place isn't code for sex.
The key to figuring out this code is:
are they asking if I want to spend time ALONE with them. Any excuse can be used, but the key thing is alone time and privacy.
Back in the olden days it was, "do you want to come to my place and see my etchings"...
I didn't have the impression in that example that it was a the end of an evening date that the coffee offer was made. I mean that would make it more obvious sure. Seems people where more suggesting, that she should have known simply because he was inviting her to his place rather than out somewhere that instead of wanting to share a coffee with her he wanted sex. I mean it says after she hung out with him he invited her, making it seem there wasn't even a formal date first.
I mean I get it could be disappointing if the guy thought she knew that is what he is hinting at...but once its clear she took it literally to mean coffee surely the proper response isn't to get angry with her and rage because she didn't get the hint. Or in my case the proper response of the older potentially more mature student wasn't for him to then guilt trip and pressure me when he realized I had thought it was just a friendly hang out.
I mean if the guy really liked her, I'd think he'd have just played along with the coffee thing once he realized she didn't get the hint and then just actually have coffee with her and take it as an opportunity to get to know her better...and perhaps save the sex attempt for another time.
The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jun 2019, 10:59 am
22 Jun 2019, 11:37 am
Sweetleaf wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
nick007 wrote:
When guys talk about asking women out offline on this forum a common theme they get told is to invite the woman out for coffee so this invite for coffee = sex thing is something LOTS on this forum are not aware of since noone said that on here till now. It is no wonder so many of guys on the spectrum struggled to get dates cuz women we asked out kept assuming we were wanting sex instead of dates. I'm not saying lots of Aspie guys were not also wanting sex but they were trying to start with dating the women they asked out for coffee.
Noooooooooooo. You don't understand. It depends on the circumstances. Not all invites for coffee mean sex.
Meeting in the afternoon in a busy town cafe is a very innocent way to get to know someone. There's no hanky panky gonna happen. You're in a crowded room.
Going on an evening date then at the end of it saying, "do you want to come back to my place for coffee" means sex. Hanky panky may happen because you have the privacy for it.
Coffee in a public place isn't code for sex.
The key to figuring out this code is:
are they asking if I want to spend time ALONE with them. Any excuse can be used, but the key thing is alone time and privacy.
Back in the olden days it was, "do you want to come to my place and see my etchings"...
I didn't have the impression in that example that it was a the end of an evening date that the coffee offer was made. I mean that would make it more obvious sure. Seems people where more suggesting, that she should have known simply because he was inviting her to his place rather than out somewhere that instead of wanting to share a coffee with her he wanted sex. I mean it says after she hung out with him he invited her, making it seem there wasn't even a formal date first.
I mean I get it could be disappointing if the guy thought she knew that is what he is hinting at...but once its clear she took it literally to mean coffee surely the proper response isn't to get angry with her and rage because she didn't get the hint. Or in my case the proper response of the older potentially more mature student wasn't for him to then guilt trip and pressure me when he realized I had thought it was just a friendly hang out.
I mean if the guy really liked her, I'd think he'd have just played along with the coffee thing once he realized she didn't get the hint and then just actually have coffee with her and take it as an opportunity to get to know her better...and perhaps save the sex attempt for another time.
It's been a while since I read that experience of this autistic woman, therefore I can't recall the exact details. I'm fairly sure she didn't think of it as a date but I am no sure how ambiguous the situation was before he asked her if she wanted to come to his place and have coffee. If I recall correctly, it was in the evening. They were hanging out. In her mind it was not a date and they didn't make out, kiss or anything like that.
I initially brought this up just as an example because I don't think being indirect instead of outright asking for sex is something gender specific and I don't think missing the hint is gender specific either. Therefore I wasn't sure why the fact that women are indirect about sex is especially confusing, since a lot of men are too.
But it's too long ago for me to recall all details and figure out how obvious or non obvious the situation really was. Either way I also thought back then that his disappointment was understandable if he thought she got the hint but that the angry outburst was not justified.
Also in the link in the OP there are several misunderstanding where men failed to notice that coffee meant sex. That one autistic woman certainly isn't the only person who missed that hint. While it is a well known euphemism for sex, it is something some inexperienced people can and do miss.
The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jun 2019, 11:44 am
22 Jun 2019, 3:42 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
nick007 wrote:
When guys talk about asking women out offline on this forum a common theme they get told is to invite the woman out for coffee so this invite for coffee = sex thing is something LOTS on this forum are not aware of since noone said that on here till now. It is no wonder so many of guys on the spectrum struggled to get dates cuz women we asked out kept assuming we were wanting sex instead of dates. I'm not saying lots of Aspie guys were not also wanting sex but they were trying to start with dating the women they asked out for coffee.
Noooooooooooo. You don't understand. It depends on the circumstances. Not all invites for coffee mean sex.
Meeting in the afternoon in a busy town cafe is a very innocent way to get to know someone. There's no hanky panky gonna happen. You're in a crowded room.
Going on an evening date then at the end of it saying, "do you want to come back to my place for coffee" means sex. Hanky panky may happen because you have the privacy for it.
Coffee in a public place isn't code for sex.
The key to figuring out this code is:
are they asking if I want to spend time ALONE with them. Any excuse can be used, but the key thing is alone time and privacy.
Back in the olden days it was, "do you want to come to my place and see my etchings"...
I didn't have the impression in that example that it was a the end of an evening date that the coffee offer was made. I mean that would make it more obvious sure. Seems people where more suggesting, that she should have known simply because he was inviting her to his place rather than out somewhere that instead of wanting to share a coffee with her he wanted sex. I mean it says after she hung out with him he invited her, making it seem there wasn't even a formal date first.
I mean I get it could be disappointing if the guy thought she knew that is what he is hinting at...but once its clear she took it literally to mean coffee surely the proper response isn't to get angry with her and rage because she didn't get the hint. Or in my case the proper response of the older potentially more mature student wasn't for him to then guilt trip and pressure me when he realized I had thought it was just a friendly hang out.
I mean if the guy really liked her, I'd think he'd have just played along with the coffee thing once he realized she didn't get the hint and then just actually have coffee with her and take it as an opportunity to get to know her better...and perhaps save the sex attempt for another time.
Oh yeah he was definitely a creep. He shouldn't have got angry.
22 Jun 2019, 3:44 pm
The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Jun 2019, 12:19 am
