Is informed consent valuable for autistics?

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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 127 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

You are too much into NT stuff. You also over-value relationships and marriage. It doesn't get any better because you are in a relationship or get married, it only predisposes you to more risks of being exploited and abused. If you already have a power game going before you get into a relationship it will become worse since you cannot just walk out of it as easy.

Also, courtship & infatuations are far more enjoyable than a typical relationship, and so you miss out on most of the fun by hurrying into a relationship.

Just enjoy things as they happen and don't hurry into things because you are supposed to.

I would have suspected something like that.

Thank you!

Only if you are dealing with NTs or wannabee NTs. Talking and asking for a date breaks the rule of natural ND courtship, and so when that happens, you should assume you are dealing with an NT through dating culture.

This is also why it is so horribly bad when people here tell ND guys that they must work on their "guts" to ask girls out and deal with the rejection connected to this. They essentially want them to break the rules of natural ND courtship, and by doing this they will fail both with NTs and NDs.

If a person is capable of talking, I’d rather them talk than give me silent glances all the time.

Exactly.

And if they are not capable of talking I would rather they communicated to me via BSL (or ASL for Americans etc etc) than via a language which was easy to get wrong.

Talking to someone is not the same thing as dating them.

If it was then everyone (who could talk or sign) would be polyamorous and pansexual. Heck, I talk to the postman and he's not my type or anything to do with me

I think the notion that talking to a girl/guy = weird comes from a hetero notion that the opposite sex are somehow a whole diffierent species who you don't talk to unless they're either family or a potential love interest. For NTs, it's good for them to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. For everyone, it's good to be able to speak/sign to platonic acquaintances of the opposite sex.

Because eventually Covid will be over. And that girl in that shop who is bagging your groceries or that guy who is delivering them will not think of you as a love interest but it's still important to talk to them!

Or you might have a specialist interest in something which is typically for your gender then someone, a tomboy or a more sensitive guy for eg, turns up to the class. It would be rude to shun them or to automatically assume you're dating them.

I'm hyperlexic.

My best communication style is the written word. And asynchronous conversations back and forth using that medium.

I wish we still lived in the time of the love letter. Texts and emails and face to face conversations aren't the same for me.

I only have one pen pal and she's platonic.

I would like to write gushing letters back and forth with someone - ones which focused upon the romantic over the erotic. Beauty rather than 'sexy'.

Funny considering I'm happily single.

I'm focusing on my hobbies.

They feel like being in love even though they're not human.

I think that's the best thing for autistic (not all ND people are autistic) people to do. Fall in love with some thing rather than some one.

I'm just pointing out that obviously two people who are of the same sexuality as each other and are compatible (so two lesbians, two gay men, a straight man with a straight woman) can have two entirely different readings of the same relationship & the only way to confirm-ish you are on the same page is to ask them, via spoken word, written word or established sign language such as BSL.

I guess what I need to know is what dating means in your definition of it.

Ideally something tangible which includes all forms of dating but excludes everything which could be described in another way.

For me, it's: "two people [or more in a poly relationship] who are mutually attracted to each other in a romantic and/or sexual way meeting up on a regular basis to engage in non-sexual activities with each other. These people are likely to be having sex, given the year we're in. In the past, such people were more likely to be kissing and cuddling & keeping sex for marriage. But the act of dating =/= sexual - it is something like going for a meal, going to the cinema or (more likely if they're aspie) working on hobbies together.* These people need to make it clear to one another that they are in this relationship - this can be done via spoken/signed/written language"

And what informed consent means to me is: "non-coerced agreement between two or more people to do something sexual together using signed/written/spoken clear language. All partners must be capable of understanding what rape is, what sex is and what risks can occur as a result of consensual sex."

That 'all people must be capable of understanding' thing means that some people shouldn't be had sex with (or more accurately, to).

Bear in mind that words can have multiple meanings and all a dictionary does is give a definition it thinks most people (who are NT) will agree with. A dictionary is not a Word Bible. It is fallible.

* This is why you should really communicate with the other person about what is going on - because you could theoretically go out for a meal with a friend you are not attracted to or go to the cinema with a friend you have no intentions towards. Clear language is important to me. If I don't want a girl I love to go out with another person, I have to tell her that I think we're dating and should be exclusive. If she says no, I need to be mature enough to handle that.

I know that I'am a mixed bag but growing during the 40's and young manhood was terrified of females and guess 1female took advantage of me.I'am now married to a nice lady who really takes care of me having autism+dd.

Maybe you should think about it in another way? Instead of defining what dating is you should figure out what you actually want to get out of it. I don't mean lists of desired interests, competences, looks, social positions and which sub-cultures he should be into and which he must be against, rather what you want from a relationship.

Some want a trophy to show for their friends & relatives, somebody to take to parties, someone that can introduce them to high-status groups.

Some want financial security, to be able to shop expensive stuff so they don't have to do much if anything.

Some just want company.

Some might want somebody to discuss their special interests with and to have intellectual discussions with.

Some might want regular sex with little effort.

Some want a soul mate, somebody they can understand naturally without any effort

It's also a good idea to think about why you want to be in a relationship, and why being single might not be better. Maybe it is just because you want company? Because you are expected to by cultural norms?

The only way people can get the things you listed-----is to go out on dates.

Psychic sorts of communication just won't get the job done.

Nope, getting a soul mate is not possible with dating.

Some other of the points might be better to look for elsewhere. Like if you want to discuss some odd special interest, a better way is to seek out like-minded on forums. If you just want company, it might be better to seek out groups that focus on stuff you like instead of dating.

Being single is better for me.

But I would rather be in a consensual relationship than either of us (me and whatever partner) not consent to one.

And I would rather be emotionally well adjusted enough to be completely content in myself than long after some imaginary version of someone else.

I think what you're missing when you believe I want to date is the fact that someone in their 30s is likely to have experiences of things they might not necessarily want anymore.

When I wanted to date it was because I did not yet have enough confidence to be happy with myself as I was. I wanted to find a way to 'escape'. I found that on my own and am happier for that. I do not believe that is a very good way of finding such escape but it is one which is pedaled towards little girls in our society.

Last edited by KT67 on 21 Jan 2021, 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Exactly.

Or through platonic friendship for some of them.

Or through acquaintances for some of them.