The Need for Romantic Intimacy

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Not focusing on romance at all just isn't feasible given the circumstances.

Something I'm more afraid of than pretty much anything else is getting older and older, aging out of my youth and still having no relationship experience. Given how long I've wanted it and not been able to get it, and given that I've seen others like me on the spectrum make it to their 30s and 40s without any relationship experience, it's a well-founded fear that isn't going to give me any peace until it's mitigated.

It doesn't feel like a choice to be thinking about this all the time, but rather a persistent need to satisfy a desire that won't give me any peace. Even if I made a concerted effort not to think about romance, and even if that could be somewhat successful, there are still triggers that I can't reliably avoid that make me start thinking about my romantic situation and getting depressed, such as seeing couples and in some cases, hearing about other people's relationship experience, or hearing someone imply that being a 25 year-old with no romantic experience is very abnormal and makes one a loser.

As to the beard stuff, I've touched on this before. If the long beard is really the problem, why was I no more successful before I grew it? Why do there seem to be a lot of autistic guys in the same boat as me who don't have long beards but nonetheless share the same struggle? Why can other guys with beards like mine be successful, but not me?

I think the main problem at this stage is that I'm not meeting very many women my age, and I don't know how to. My social network is pretty weak. I don't even have guy friends that I talk to on a regular basis anymore. The person who I'd call my best friend (though he may not see me the same way) has been distant for months. I'm really relying on my mother and brother for socialising at this stage because I don't have anyone else. I've tried going to a couple of meetup groups but I haven't really been able to cultivate any friendships. I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to people my own age as I'm getting older and feeling further behind, and more alienated from my peers. I don't know how to find people I'd click with. Perhaps there aren't any.

In any case, I'd easily prefer to have no platonic relationships but one romantic relationship to having many platonic relationships and no romantic relationship.

Also, just to set the record straight, it was 90lbs I lost over the course of a year, of which I've gained about half back. I don't work out and didn't work out to lose the weight, and I'm not particularly strong or fit.

Probably if I met you in person, I could advise you better.

I’m sorry you’re in such a quandary. You don’t deserve it.

What do you expect people to do when you ask for advice? It’s inevitable that people will advise you based on their experiences. I feel bad that my advice doesn’t click with you.

I’m not into self-help books, or religion, or Buddhism, or yoga, or whatever (some people don’t consider Buddhism to be a religion). All these things have worked for some who were in a quandary similar to yours. Perhaps you could explore something like I mentioned; maybe that will click with you?

Maybe some woman will dig you based upon the reason why you have a beard. Some women like that sort of look; it looks “macho” to them. It looks like you’re a motorcyclist. Women dig them sometimes because they feel protected by such a person.

You dont need to apologise for offering advice. I appreciate your input, but I also don't see how forgetting about dating is feasible with my current circumstances. If I could know that I would definitely find someone who's good for me within say the next 5 years, I'd be able to not spend so much time focusing on this.

It's the not knowing if things will ever improve, the feeling inadequate, unattractive and lonely, the fear of ageing out of my youth without getting to date and the inability to avoid reminders of others' romantic success that has me unable to shift my focus away from this stuff.

Even just finding someone online to give me some romantic attention would really help me a lot with feeling better. If I had something like that, I'd be more resistant to despair.

Experience and common sense tells me that I'm only going to be able to keep my despair at bay if I can manage to get some kind of romantic fulfilment in the meantime. I thought I'd found some kind of romantic connection like that online a few months ago, and for a few weeks I felt better than I have all year. Unfortunately, I was mistaken.

What happened with that person?

I misread the situation.

Yeah….I’ve done that, too.

Well if it makes you feel any better, the rate of young men not having sex is on the rise. There was a very big survey that even made the news, and it reported that 19% of women and 28% of men between 20-30 didn't have sex in 2018. In 2008, both of those numbers were 10%. So it's gotten harder for people to date and especially young men. I mean let's face it, people aren't getting out as much as they used to. The rise of iPhones and social media, the rise of online dating, and porn, is making many of us not going out and socializing as much.


We're beginning to live in a world where the top 20% of men are getting most of the action while the bottom 80% of men are getting little to no action. So if even "normies" are having a hard time finding a gf and getting laid, then what sort of chance do we have?

I don't know what to tell you that will help you out.

The truth is that we all got dealt a particular hand in life which will make certain things easier and certain things harder. I mean look at Lebron James; because of the hand he was dealt, being tall, being athletic, being smart from a basketball perspective, this allowed him to be a pretty good basketball player. But if you asked Lebron to be a horse jockey, he would do a terrible job, because that's not the cards in life he was dealt.

So a part of the reason why you're struggling with women isn't your fault. The hand you were dealt in life makes dating particularly difficult and oftentimes, these are factors outside of your control. You're a short man trying to a basketball player or a sumo wrestler trying to be a horse jockey. And because of your disadvantages, you may have to look 10x longer and only get 1/10th of the results compared to someone who is naturally attractive to the opposite sex. We all have obstacles to overcome in our path to finding love but while some people simply have to step over a crack, others have to climb Mount Everest.

Unfortunately, there are very little services to help people find love. Because of your autism diagnosis, if you are unemployed and struggle with finding a job, there are services near your area that can help you search for and gain employment, and a company may be willing to hire you. As for dating, if you're struggling with dating and finding a girlfriend, there are no disability services available that can help people who are struggling with dating to find love. And I think a big reason for that is for a number of reasons. If there was a disability match-making service, it would probably be dominated by men, since being autistic is much of a dating handicap for men than it is for women. And secondly, unlike some jobs that may hire you if they see that you're disabled and going through a hard time finding a job, most women aren't going to date you or have sex with you out of pity. In fact, if they get a whiff of how desperate or undesirable you are, it will probably do the opposite effect of making them want to go out with you.

I hear what you're saying about not having close friends to fall back on. I think the covid situation is making it worse. I've lost touch with a lot of people over the past year or so, plus I've been so I'll I hardly see my friends or family. It's so much more difficult to connect now. A "how are you text" isn't enough.

I've just been watching this video about ASMR and research says that it can help decrease feelings of loneliness. It's not a sexual thing, it's more like a comfort thing. Some liken the movements to things people do to soothe babies or the feeling of being cared for by a doctor.

Not a replacement, but could help people who are feeling a bit lonely create some nice serotonin feelings. The title is click bait, this really isn't a porn thing.

this is not unusual and its definetley not unheard of, i figure a lot of guys, men, just don't bother to disclose or talk about it, but a lot of guys who just struggle to get a girlfriend, no matter how much they work on or improve themselves and are still unable to attract women, they end up having sex with an escort or sex worker, a lot of them offer the GFE, stands for "girlfriend experience".