Breakup Thread

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Mourning Kristy

No she didn't die, but it was the end of my life.

I've still not recovered.

That's likely why I'm stuck at age 14 developmentally.

OMG - I forgot about the time my cousin Michelle from California stayed with my family and came to school with me for a couple of weeks. The boys were goo goo about her.

This is Kris writing to me.

I was already showing my autism by not making phone calls and having shutdowns but I didn't know what to call them.

Kris was starting to get upset with me but this is nowhere near the end fight.





Me? Feel guilty? Never!

MR

The breakup with my 2nd girlfriend was due to us being incompatible, us needing to remain mostly long distance for an indefinite extended time, & me being unstable. She was a lot younger than me & in college. She had her own apartment but she was dependent on her parents to pay for things who wanted our relationship on their terms due to traditional religious beliefs. She didn't believe but she had to pretend to. Her parents woulda quit helping her if me & her moved in together unmarried or if we woulda gotten married. She had two & half/three years left in college & my Social Security Disability would NOT of been enough to pay for everything. I woulda looked for a job after moving in & I might of had more support where she lived than living with my parents but I couldn't afford everything in the meantime for us.

She was in the process of trying to figure herself out & she had a high desire for independence. It seemed to me like she was changing after things got serious. I felt like she was the one in charge in our relationship & like I was a much lower priority for her than she was for me. It seemed to me like a very one-sided relationship. I'm NOT saying that my perspective was accurate & those things really were the case & I'm NOT trying to sound like I'm blaming her but that's how things felt & seemed to me due to the circumstances at the time that neither of us had much control over.

I started feeling pushed away & I became unstable & started fighting with her a lot. I guess I subconsciously realized that the relationship could not work out & things were ending soon. My OCD switched to overdrive & I started having lots of panic attacks worrying & I also started having lots of nightmares. I took things out on her & then felt like complete cr@p after. That's the reason why I quit blaming alcohol & drugs for my 1st relationship ending. There were a few times towards the end of my 2nd relationship when I chugged a couple beers to help relax & stop the panic attacks. I realized my anxiety was causing lots of problems within my 2nd relationship & also caused lots of problems in my 1st one. I researched anxiety meds & started taking one. I was a bit more relaxed & easy going after starting it but the progress was too little too late. I gave her space for a week to focus on her midterms & then when we chatted again she broke up with me. After that my OCD got caught up in a loop analyzing things but I was not having panic attacks about it. I realized my OCD caused lots of problems within both relationships & I researched OCD meds & got on one. I should have consciously realized that my 2nd relationship was not sustainable & my behavior was majorly abusive & ended the relationship instead of desperately trying to save it.

I got in my current relationship right after that. We were able to move in together after a little more than half a year instead of breaking up after half a year like my 1st two relationships. Cass is a lot more needy, clingy & unstable than my 2nd gf was but I'm actually alot more stable & relaxed within this relationship partly because of the meds & because I'm not feeling pushed away. I don't feel like Cass is expecting me to be more independent & like I have very little input with things. I feel like I can be myself instead of feeling like she's requiring me to change. I tried hard to work on my issues & make needed realistic change.

i could never do that, or barely
every time i held on, but really didn't want to
something about saying no, as the hardest thing to do
eventually you do rather stupid things to get away

I had a relationship with someone I have known for 41 years, since I was 18 years old. We were a couple for the first 14 years and then broke up for some practical reasons that sort of made sense at the time, but we continued to be extremely close best friends, though we lived far away.

We were getting back together 2 1/2 years ago, and those previous reasons had disappeared because of life progressing to a different stage. We get along perfectly, we love each other, we have the same interests and the same outlook on life. We have so much to talk about and are always finishing each other's sentences. Everything was idyllic. He dumped me for absolutely no reason. My life has completely crumbled and I have been devastated and in enormous pain.

Normally when two people love each other and are perfect for each other, there has to be some tragically insurmountable reason why they can't be together and it's a tragedy but unavoidable. There was no such reason.

This is not me being clueless. I am very clearheaded about this. He cruelly and inexplicably tossed away the love of his life and destroyed both our lives in the process for absolutely no reason. I know I've been a broken record but this is far and away the greatest tragedy of my life and I will have to endure intolerable pain forever because of this.

I was best friends with a guy named Alfred or Alf, when I was 18.
I met him at work.
Picture a typical late 1980s John Hughes / new wave teenaged boy.
I was the Molly Ringwald type, I suppose, but I didn't speak much.

He was stinking rich and lived in a mansion with a suit of armour.
They had a big outdoor salt water pool but also backed onto the sea.
He was actually named Alfred ______ _____ the 4th, and he had royal lineage.

I was already dating my exhusband.
I used to swim in Alf's pool in a long teal tank top with a big scoop neck.
Nothing under it.
Then we'd go in the grand room and play billiards.
He taught me to make and drink Dirty Martinis.

We went camping and made hot dogs with Lisa who had dark pink nips.
Don't ask lol.
We read Penthouse Letters stories to each other for fun, by campfire.

When I went to Uni he came to visit and stayed in my dorm.
He wore my pink panties and got me to apply his guyliner using my eyeliner.
We went to the grad lounge and got drunk on martinis.
Then he took me to a Squeeze concert on campus.

He always said he had a crush on my bf's sister.
I wonder if that was true or not.
I look back at some of the notes he wrote me and wonder if I should have caught on.
Maybe he liked me after all.

We had a bit of a falling out when I got engaged at 20.
Maybe that's why.
Then he started dating someone he eventually married.

We talked on FB about ten years ago and he was getting divorced.
We had a great chat and some of it was sexual jokes.

I was just out of trauma and too scared to make the first move.
He ended up getting remarried so I took him off my FB to forget.


Alfred, this one's for you -




https://youtu.be/9bTWF7eirJw

Squeeze - Another Nail In My Heart

Why is nearly all of this thread made up of songs? I can't imagine anything more heart wrenching than listening to songs when my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces.

I didn't listen to the songs at those times when I was upset.
They're songs that remind me of the people.

I forgot to say that I thought I noticed Alf here on WP once.
I was convinced it was him based on what he was posting.
My heart went all aflutter.

Then I dug a little deeper and it wasn't him.

Because a couple pages ago, I said: Music was a very important part of my journey in leaving a very abusive relationship. At the time, I didn’t know how to put into words what I was thinking or feeling. It’s still like that for me, actually, but it’s not quite as extreme as it once was.

While some can't bear to listen to breakup songs, others find it a crucial part of healing. I needed to fully feel and embrace the heartache in order to heal from it due to all the layers of gaslighting and invalidation I had experienced for years. Owning the pain was and is an important part of the process for me.

Listening to happy upbeat love songs was very upsetting to me when I was dealing with a breakup. It seemed like completely fake BS. Angry depressing music felt alot more real & relatable to me & helped me cope.

This book was helpful. I bought it in December 2016.

!

Cornflake wrote:

Some off topic posts have been removed. Conventionally, the member starting a thread is its "owner" and posts should generally conform to the purpose as explained in the opening post. It's perfectly clear for this thread. Further, if the OP later wishes to broaden the topic and decides that other content is also valid - that's Ok too. If members would prefer to see a different content or purpose, they are of course free to create their own thread. WP is a very big place and most threads can be accommodated here.

OH DAMN!

You know that's my song, right?

Are you stealing my song? (lol but seriously - love it)

What do you mean by your song?!?!

It’s my song!! !