What are the reasons for being single long term?

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It's not as uncommon as you might think.

I have a 30 year old female cousin who has never been in a relationship.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 08 Oct 2023, 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I didn't mean to imply that people shouldn't be able to trust or not trust as they see fit. I do think trust (or a lack thereof) can be a barrier for certain people in regards to dating. If someone is excessively guarded then dating is likely to be difficult for that person, since dating generally requires a person to be open to some extent.

There are definitely people who have unrealistic standards in dating. I didn't have anyone in mind specifically, but I have come across people in real life even, including relatives who have been perpetually single because their standards are very high when it comes to dating.

That is neither normal or common among non-disabled NT people.

I didn't say it was normal or common, but it's not THAT uncommon. There are billions of people in the world.

I know several women who have never been in a relationship and are older.

I've used LOTS of dating sites when I was single & I noticed lots of people were also using lots of sites. Those profiles tended to list very high standards &/or mentioned having major disabilities.

its just that most people and society find it more shocking for a woman to reach a certain age than for a guy, man, and have never dated, never been in a relationship before, due to how women have always been on the receiving end of sexual attention.

Whether society is shocked or not, it still happens.

I'd stop focusing on what you perceive as a difference and think more about ways to meet someone. Setting and working on personal goals is a good idea, too.

Are you a "boring" individual? Many Aspies have traits that many women (especially NT) might find boring. We have a lot of hobbies that are individualist in nature-like playing video games. We are less likely to want to travel a lot, or going to different exciting activities due to over-arousal, liking the familiar and routine, etc.

Through my teens and twenties I noticed something - I find a woman that I'm genuinely attracted to at every level, especially psychologically and who she is as a person, maybe once every five years.

Those aren't playable odds. To also know that I'm strange enough to be almost unrelatable to anyone, not in a social deficits way but my orientation, makes the whole thing that much more difficult. Some people have taken the pursuit of the 'right partner' in this context the search for your 'glitter family'. They might be right but, I'm not sure how far I want to bend if making the wrong choice, or finding someone whose only with me because she had a bit of limerence and once that wears off she's out - at a minimum I better not get married under those circumstances but I'd also add - the US is under the Minnesota system for divorce laws. Thankfully I'm not in a common law marriage state but still - a lot of the incentives for me to go out and look aren't there.

I can relate to that. I don't really get casual dating and hookups. It's pretty rare that I come across someone I'd be remotely interested in dating.

I'd much rather be single than settle.

I was single for the entire decade of my 30s...
I knew i needed a relationship... and there were a few attempts...
and im not sure what was more horrifying... being on a first date and realizing she was only there for the sex we were not going to have that night...
or the one where everything the other said rapidly reached new vistas of incompatibility...
or the one where I was lucky to be hanging out with her... and she showed up out of nowhere and kissed me, but was wearing
(for the first time) a perfume that was so offensive to me i could not think or react.

and my experiences being on several dating apps were always somewhere between disgusting and hair-raising.

things were looking pretty grim, but it helped me realize alot of things... and being single was looking better and better (in comparison to past relationships and recent failures)

long story short, i eventually reconnected with another general oddball whom i had worked with years earlier when our age difference was
less appropriate, and we hit it off 7 years ago.

I realize now, that the longer i was single, and every time something went wrong.. i was in a worse place than before.

it has always been really hard for me to connect with people to such an extent that i begin to have the feelings that
are associated with being friends or being in a relationship... and i was always looking to find the perfect weirdo who
fits me perfectly... but no one is going to ever fit me perfectly... im actually probably fortunate for that!
I found a weirdo who agrees that we are both weirdos and are lucky, in several ways, to have found each other.

and despite my loneliness for that decade, and my previously often-single status... i am at least SO lucky to have avoided
alot of the dramas and traumas that everyone else i know went through in those years! my loneliness was so much cheaper and short-lived than their trials of life!!

But one can usually get out of or leave those traumas if they want. Not always easy but can be done. Many NDs don't have a choice in loneliness. You can't just choose to leave it.

I’ve not found The One yet.

long nasty divorces, children, custody battles, psychotic partners, STDs.. would not have been cake...
Id gladly choose loneliness before most of those.

I didnt mean to imply anyone could/should simply get up one morning and have things fall into place...

the best sounding advice i have heard is to just be-around others more often...
that backfired on me repeatedly...I cried and broke sh!t when i got home....
but eventually it worked for me.
results may vary?

all the best!

There are valid reasons to stay single rather than get married but there are also reasons to get married like getting to wear a fancy dress at your wedding and getting to have sex with your husband

But yeah divorce, children and ending up with an abusive partner are DEFINITELY turn-offs of the whole "love" thing!

People want to see me get married but only to a good and trustworthy man

It doesn't seem to be most people, it seems to be guys who believe women always have romance handed to them on a silver platter just for being women.