What would you do if I were your boyfrend and told you this?

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Acting out my sexual fantasies with my hypothetical girlfriend would cause me distress.

I personally would not dump you. Sex, in my opinion, is not important.

I'm still waiting for an answer on this (or should I just make a separate thread?)

I don't know if she would, but you could consider the possibility that your hypothetical girlfriend might enjoy being a teacher if you just were honest and told her about your lack of experience.

I don't know the answer either. But why assume in advance that you will screw it up? You are only half of the equation, after all. It isn't about how magnificently you perform, but about how two people, you and she, interrelate.

Wishing you success also, ToadOfSteel.

I don't know... I just wouldn't want to let anyone down like that is all...

But then again, the point is moot, as I can't even get a girlfriend in the first place (hence the lack of experience...)

Just now, while looking for something else altogether, I've come across a fascinating document entitled Without Embarrassment: The Social Coward's Totally Fearless Seduction System. I might have to start a new thread...

So you're saying that the reason you wouldn't want to have sex with your girlfriend is because you've never done it before? You have to start somewhere. She probably wouldn't leave you, just try to convince you to try it.

My point isn't about where to start, it's trying to not let her down...

I wouldn't worry too much about it. If she really gets upset because it's your first time, she has plenty of problems of her own...

Why would a girl who loves you be disappointed in anything you might fumble in bed? She will find almost everything about you endearing and exciting--including your shyness or inexperience. Part of what turns a woman on (and keeps her feeling valued) is when her man is open and vulnerable with her. He honors her by trusting her with his secrets and his insecurities. A good girl who loves you will only reward you tenfold.

There are certainly brutal women out there who have self-centered sexual expectations and don't want to bother with anybody who can't deliver xyz straight away, but those women are in the minority and probably aren't interested in long term relationships. I wouldn't worry about them, unless you want one.

You're seeing this from the wrong angle. You've got something very special and very powerful. Something that womanizers don't have. Don't limit yourself to playing their game, on their terms, getting shoved downward in some stupid pecking order. It's a meaningless construct. Reject it and create your own. Tell whomever has been feeding you this idea that you're not good enough... to go shove it.

I'm no expert, I'm a virgin... and haven't even kissed a girl... so I'm in a similar situation. And I agree with gwen...

The sex and everything isn't about the performance or knowing what to do, that will be there as a natural result of being with her for a long time... it's enjoying each other on a level greater than anything else. The closeness is what it's all about... not the physical act itself. That's what I think makes it so special anyways.

Also, when it does happen your emotions will be flying and much should just be natural and... I think the girl you would want isn't going to reject you for not knowing what to do. And the thing is... I think... just make it up as you go along. It's you expressing yourself to her... not some script that you have to follow. It's almost a form of self expression a creative form for her, do it the way you want to do it. If it doesn't work out, okay... try something else. No big deal.

And even if you do let her down with your 'performance', just cuddle and hold each other close through the night. Nothing wrong with that approach either...

Groucho Marx said this best: "I wouldn't want to be in any club that would accept me as a member."

My brief skim of this thread hasn't made clear yet (and it's not meant as any kind of insulting question): Are you a virgin? You may have decided against sex simply because you haven't experienced it yet.

Try it; you'll like it.

I did, in fact, start another thread with a link to the advice-for-men document. It really is worth a look, once you get past the puerile cartoon on the opening page and the chest-beating tone of the table of contents. The male-dominance verbiage is deceptive too - what is actually under discussion is the fact that just as men have an informal and largely unconscious rating system for the women they encounter in daily life, so too do women judge men according to a set of criteria of which men are mostly blithely unaware.

Much of the advice consists of useful suggestions such as these:

Thanks to whichever mod put the thread into the Adult Asperger Issues board; after I posted it I wondered whether I'd put it in the right place.

I agree with everything Pugly said. There's no way to screw up sex if you love a person and you know they can feel that through the act.

The only type of girl who would leave a guy due to sex is those Sex and the City types- the ones who dont want relationships, and only view the guy as an instrument to her own happiness instead of a relationship being about both their needs.

A normal girl would know, that with more time, you would both get better at it.

Merr, some very interesting views, things I have not really formulated but have thought of in bits and pieces.

Mw99 hit the nail on the head with my bf. I try to not talk about him here because I think his private life is private and I am here to discuss my point of view and understand his. However, we have had this discussion and it does affect me, so I feel ok to discuss how this affects me.

He has a wild sex appetite in his mind, nothing I wouldn’t do in a monogamous and safe relationship, but he says he cannot do those things with me because he loves m, and he thinks they would be degrading because in his fantasy, he is degrading these women by using them for pleasure. He also says the thrill of the fantasy is that it is anonymous sex with complete strangers.

Would he act on this, nope, even though I have encouraged him to explore if it suits his needs, just don’t let me know and don’t bring me home any unwanted disease. He has cootie issues, as do I, and he knows the reality is he would be skeeved out. So, I ask him, then pretend I am a stranger. Nope. Too illogical, not really good with fantasy and imagination when it comes to reality, but good at fantasizing about a life he would like (both sexual and nonsexual) that is different than his reality.

We do have sex, but not as much as in the beginning when I was a stranger (like the first two years, lol). And yes, it bothers me that he will not indulge in fantasy from time to time. And he says it’s him, not me. Sadly, I have thought of taking on a lover, but don’t as I am hoping this is a phase he will resolve in his brain without me pushing. We get along so well, including sexually, that I just don’t see the point to potentially ruin something for a little afternoon delight.

As Billy Joel says “It’s just a fantasy. It’s not the real thing.”