aaronrey wrote:
maybe the correct phrase is "the inability to express love". we can love, we just dont do all those sweet talks, presents, flowers, chocolates and all that stuff. we just have a hard time showing the love that we feel.
That comes probably closer to it. I would say it is more difficult to express feelings as an aspie in general. But it doesn't mean that aspies can't.
DazzleKitty wrote:
I have a question for all of you but I'm really afraid it may affend or completely baffle some.
Let me start with a story first. I dated a guy with Asperger's for a while. It didn't work and I broke it off with him. I talked about it a while back at this forum, and some of you said the reasons I broke it off with him are common reasons for breaking up with Aspies.
I visit a counselor because I have clinical depression, and the breakup thing has been eating away at my happiness for a while. She told me that some of the things he was doing to me could be considered verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual harassment, whether it was intentional or not. We then got into a conversation about Aspergers itself.
My counselor has worked with Aspies and is a licensed professional in counseling, so I figured she knows what she is talking about. However, what she said kinda shocked me. She told me that those with Asperger's don't have the ability to love. She says they can LIKE someone, but it's a selfish sort of like. For example, an Aspie really likes their friend, but the friend doesn't show up to hang out with him, so he gets mad at him and takes it out on said friend. My ex boyfriend was kinda like this with breaking up. He totally disregarded the fact that there ARE reasons for breaking up with me and acted like a I did a bad thing by dumping him. Perhaps his pride is wounded? I don't think he even really misses me....I was probably there for convenience and to build his ego. This really made me suspect what my counselor was saying had some truth in it.
I inquired if the inability to love was true for all Aspies, and she said yes. The part of the brain that allows people to empathize and love does not work in them. She said that even their love for their parents is primal.
However, I've read on some websites that Aspies can love and sometimes get a little too involved with their mates.
But then again, I have read on some websites that women who marry Aspie men have literally been driven to insanity by their 'abuse', whether intentional or not.
My ex has been texting me and wants me to meet him. I don't know why and I am not sure I want to be with someone who can't really love me if he is wanting to get back together with me (which is doubtful....I have no idea what he wants).
Sorry if this question offends any of you. I'd like to hear some comments and maybe even some things that can accurately debate what my counselor said.
Thanks in advance.
The statement that "aspies can't love somebody" is totally wrong, and it is mainly that we are different and not per definition unable to do something.
Even if she's an expert this kind of viewpoint is discrimination.
(Unless you'd come up with a scientific explanation what love actually is and I think you simply can't do that)
First of all AS is a spectrum disorder from very mild to very severe.
And then for many the character has build around the other commorbities, that I think usually have a much bigger effect than the AS itself.
i am personally convinced about that if you'd always just see the aspie traits to be wrong, then you'll never be able to get it.
You'd have to focus on the differences.
I mean, we could just exactly the same way claim that NTs are not able to love us, because they simply will never understand us.
What would you say that if someone that you love would say that to you, sort of you are just too stupid to understand or you'll never be smart enough no matter what to figure those things out.
That NT-NT relationships and aspie-aspie relationships are mostly easier I think is clear.
NT-Aspie is more like "arabic man-japanese woman" to describe it with simple words and kind of bad stereotypes.
In this hypothetical example the japanese woman will feel bad that she doesn't suffice her man and the arabic man sort feels he is right to demand from her to behave like an arabic women.
Now ask yourself who is right...
Ha, caught ya! (because just to condemn the arabic man isn't right either).
It depends mainly on the ability and will of both to work into each others feelings and to find compromises
Otherwise I have it very difficult to make any comments on such an abstract concept like love.
Nearest thing I could somehow agree with is:
"Aspies are, dependent on their character and on the level of affection, typically impaired to "NT naturally respond" to that what is called the in NT standards defined typical feeling "love". " (And more in the sense that NTs feel like "that women/men doesn't really love me".)
And the other way is pretty common, too, I'd say: That NTs are not able to "aspie naturally respond" (if something like that exists). And the aspie would feel like "that woman/man doesn't love me".
Apart from that feelings of others are really difficult to exactly describe objectively. You can always say what you are feeling yourself, but any conclusion of feelings that you'll make for others is readily error-prone. Because they'll always relate to some kind of framework of common feelings experience. And even amongst NTs they might be different frameworks as you can see from the stereotype example.
23 Oct 2012, 10:33 am
