I don't understand why I can't get a woman! [! SATIRE !]

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- remind her not to open her mouth in public

- ensure her body will be well hidden in the future (presumably this is not a dead body)

- tell her what she can and cannot wear the next time you'll be forced to speak to her

- make it clear that you find parts of her body repulsive

- use the word "hatred" when chatting with her

- blame women for your sh***y attitude towards them

- also blame your diagnoses

Maybe if you provide enough excuses someone, including yourself, will be apt to believe one of them.

- whenever she eats anything, not just bananas, make it sexual. It’ll show that you care and are thinking about her.

Suggestive eating Mmmm

- Organise her pens

- Dip the caps in your own homemade love juice

- have a wad of chew in your mouth and a beer in your hands at all times. It’s sexy!

- be obsessed about your stupid sneakers as if anyone cares what’s on your smelly feet.

- Ask her father to cut your grass and shovel your snow for you, even when he has bone cancer

- Ask her father to pull out your bathtub and reinstall a new one, even when he has bone cancer

(This is so you can lounge in it eating doughnuts)

- Keep a bottle of tequila on hand for sexual emergencies

- look up to and strive to emulate the Incredible Hulk. The ladies just love psychotic violence and brawn.

- come up with suggestions of romantic activities that the two of you can do together like drive off a bridge or a cliff

- go on a Saw marathon with her and point out every single thing in the movies that you wish you could do to her

^ Sounds like a keeper!

- Dress up like Leatherface and wake her up by revving a chainsaw 3 inches away from her face. She will be so full of adrenaline that she'll just beat the everloving s**t out of you immediately jump your bones.

^ Who wouldn’t like that?!?!