I don't understand why I can't get a woman! [! SATIRE !]

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Which bit in particular?

Shining Armour isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There is the rust, the squeaking, the weight, limited mobility. After all that, standing around in full armour is super awkward, as well as distracting as you have to find the right lighting so that you are shining.

Follow her in the mall, and ask if you can sniff her socks.

^ It’s best to wear a trench coat for the occasion.

Use a very strong fishing pole while trolling the water slowly.
Expensive bait works best.

Lean in real close, speak only in a whisper, and tell her how prominently she features in all your erotic fantasies.

It helps if you don't brush your teeth first.

“As I’m driving my garbage truck, I like to beep at and catcall female pedestrians. I’m sure it turns ‘em on.”

My ex didn't brush his teeth even when he went to work.
His mother said it was his way of seeing if I'd love him unconditionally.


Advice: Get your mother involved.

I don’t know why I can’t use my health insurance to get a woman.

I think there's a clearance sale next weekend. ^

It’s about time. Women just don’t know what it’s like to have a boner.

The government should pay for this stuff. It would probably solve just about all the problems in this country. The crime rates would drop. Trump would be back in office….

Avoid the pretty ones because they're narcissists, but still secretly want them and be angry they don't want you when they don't even know you.

I can at least fantasize about the pretty ones. It’s not like any woman I’ve been with was a decent lay. I’m sick of the whining.

Maybe I could find one that’s mute. I wonder if that’d be extra.

Don't worry about what you are wearing -- rips, stains, dirt, mis-matched patterns -- it won't matter because you know she'll want to get naked with you the moment you first meet.  If she doesn't, then there is something wrong with her, not you.

Look up, way up!

She may be falling from the sky into your waiting lap right now!

No effort required!

The reason why women don’t want me is because I’m not hot or rich. That’s all women care about, so I don’t even bother at this point although I’m not gonna stop complaining about it.