Making Friends with Guys Without Having Them Fall for Me

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I was just making a joke, willmark. Although most of my male friends are guys I have dated, I do have a few who have no romantic interest in me so I do believ it's possible.

You could tell them that you're a gay. That's what I tell girls that develop feelings for me. I just tell them I'm gay. The thing is, I am actually gay.

Gay is a pretty good way to go when you want to fend someone off, just be careful about giving off the vibes, nobody likes getting teased and you'll look bad when you have to go straight again, although it seems like you could use a break from men MathGirl

It certainly is possible. I have always had lots of female friends. And enjoyed them as friends and not as potential bed warmers. I do admit that I would often lament the fact that the overwhelming vast majority of my relationships with women were that way, but it wasn't any particular individual. Just the general trend bummed me out. But I in no way shape or form entertained things being different. Well, not totally the truth. Every once in a while I would find myself entertaining the idea, make my approach, and wound up having The Talk. You know, "you are a great guy and a wonderful friend. But...". Which I accepted as gracefully as possible. Never lost a friend over it, so I think I did ok. Eventually I decided I'd rather have knotting needles shoved through my eyes and stopped that. And enjoyed my friendships with no expectations or real desire for more.

For example, there was one woman with whom I regularly would have brunch and just talk. One time, she started to talk about wondering where our relationship was going. Now, not being totally stupid, but pretty close, I sipped and thought for a while. I formulated and rejected several responses and decided to just go for it. I asked her "platonic or otherwise?". To which she answered with a little smile "either one". So, I promptly spit hot tea all over her...

It wasn't my finest moment, I admit. But it did lead to a long and satisfying relationship. And we still are in communication. And that has been more than twenty years. Then there was the one who impulsively grabbed me and kissed me. I promptly passed out. I don't deal well with surprises. I can be quite the striking seducer when I try. Nothing is more sexy than kissing a guy, having him go sheet white and flopping to the floor, now is there?

Bottom line, it is certainly possible. I can't speak for others, but...

Oh no! Poor CJ. It is rather endearing though. It sounds like a moment out of Big Bang Theory.

She didn't think so. She was horrified. One of the few friendships that ended over a single incident. I was just surprised, so the emotions floored me.

Literally.

I kick myself over that one. It could have been, well, interesting...

But it wasn't a romance novel type response where I, harrumph, rose to the occasion.

As a wise man once said, don't do anything that you see on TV or they sing about in country and western songs. I have done both, although I haven't approach Jerry Springer, and I can vouch that nothing good comes from this.

She was horrified? Really? I find that bizarre. Something like that wouldn't horrify me at all. Huh. I say it speaks something of her character. I tend to be someone who doesn't take myself too seriously and I find the humour in most things. Maybe I'm not the norm? Wouldn't be the first time, I suppose.

I think it was she was looking for a romance novel response. Which, she was an avid consumer of such. You know, the tall, dark stranger was taken aback by the boldness of the shy, young maiden, but his grip tightens and his returns the kisses with passion and...

But, I was a typical aspie male. Never held hands, much less kissed a woman I wasn't related to. I had given up on trying to date because of my uniform record of failure. In retrospect, I should have picked up on the non-verbal cues, but I didn't. Like with MathGirl, I had decided I was asexual and was fine with it. So the emotional shock was extreme because I was totally unprepared.

Too bad she wasn't more like you. That would have been a great thing to laugh about. I mourn the loss of her friendship, but it did illustrate that I might not have been what I thought. Not that has proven to be an unalloyed blessing, mind you. I miss my asexual period. Things were simpler.

Ah, but I brood too much. It is still a funny story. And I have many stories about being totally clueless with women. It is part of my charm.

Wear a wedding ring, or to be more accurate, an I-am-not-available ring. It's got to look like a wedding ring because our cultural norms don't have a separate category for what you want and a weeding ring is the closest you can get. If someone asks you a question about your husband, say "I'm not married. That ring is just to say I am absolutely not available for a relationship. The problem is that guys only say how they feel once they have really fallen for someone, and then a rejection hurts. This way they know right from the start I am not available."


You wouldn't lie by wearing the ring. The primary function of a wedding ring is to signal that someone is not available for for a sexual relationship. That is what you would signal. Anyway, as soon as you start wearing a ring your friends will ask you who the lucky guy is. Tell them what it means, and they will pass on the information whenever a guy first asks one of your friends instead of you.

If someone makes a pass at you anyway, tell him to go away and engage in autoerotic manipulation, or some more polite equivalent. That will be someone to keep away from.


I know a guy who would often (not always) stop seeing women who weren't interested in having him as a boyfriend (at the time he talked to me about the topic, I don't know how things are now). His reason for not keeping in touch with a woman who will not become a girlfriend is not that he has no interest in friendship. Often he would enjoy that. His reason is that he really wanted a girlfriend and he has to earn a living. That leaves him limited time for his social life, and he wants to spend more time meeting new people, in the hope of finding a girlfriend. Time spent with women who will not be his girlfriend comes at the expense of time spent meeting someone new. The two are not totally incompatible, but there is a trade-off and finding a girlfriend was just too important to him.


Your loss. Really.

Just do the guy a favor and don't flirt shamelessly with that ring on, it isn't nice

I can really relate to this guy, embarrassingly enough he sounds like me. I've come to differ from him on the nature of the "trade-off", though, because I find that sort of behaviour is ultimately destructive socially, but from time to time I still consider his perspective.

Me too . I have very little interest in forging friendships that are situational and thus temporary. THAT is why I tend to avoid platonic relationships with women. I actually [b]have[b] a circle of friends and I am happy with the friends that I have and so when it comes to women Im honestly looking for more than friends.

This is very similar to the situation I'm in at this point, except for a few differences.

For one, I'm not working to earn a living at this point (though I will be soon, as I'm starting a PhD program). However, I don't right now know of many good ways to meet people, so meeting new people is still a huge priority. Also, replace "girlfriend" with "sexual experimentation partner". Plus, every friend I try to have, if I even find her somewhat attractive yet she is sexually off limits, reminds me of my frustration at not being able to find a girl who IS interested.

Conclusion: Most guys are hypocrites.

And how is THAT Lpp?

Because I am getting the impression that most of you seek for female friendship to get something not related to friendship.

I had 2 female not-so-close friends btw , I never developed this friendship within the "seeking a girlfriend mode" process , otherwise ,as a single guy, I wouldn't be able to view them as friends..