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Are attractive women usually taken?

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billsmithglendale
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13 Jul 2010, 10:19 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
Crinkly -- just one question -- are you speaking from experience, or theory? (meaning, have you personally had relationships, or just been friend-zoned -- If the latter, are you basing this just on the experiences of others who have written on the site?)

I'm speaking from my experiences - been in both situations (friends and zoned), and I never had a relationship just "happen" without some kind of friendship groundwork.


Hello Bill. It's a mixture - I've never been in a relationship nor on a date as such (see below), so yes, I have been friend-zoned by every girl I've fancied, but I've never been manipulated on the back of it. On the other hand, girls have asked me out, and with the exception of one who clearly fancied me without me saying a word, all have been friends first. However, on these boards the people who consider themselves experts in dating agree that you have to be fairly upfront from the start. Sorry, it's too late at night for me to find a specific example. Personally, I prefer the idea of friends first. If you aren't, how can you truly love them when you don't know what they're like on the inside?

For the purposes of this discussion here are my definitions of the following:

"Friend-zoned": the girl will only ever consider me to be a friend. No manipulation.

"Date": when two people acknowledge their mutual romantic affection, and then arrange to go to dinner or whatever to enjoy each other's company. The mutual romantic interest is what separates this from straightforward socialising with friends or getting to know someone you've only just met.


Ok, so this is what I thought -- lots of negative examples (i.e. you were friended and nothing came of it), but no positive examples (you were friended, and ended up in a relationship). I think this can skew viewpoints and opinions about what being friended means.

Ironically, I now find myself defending the position of my detractors -- I do think relationships can come from friendship. To me, the question is the nature of the friendship, and in my experience (which is all I have), the friendships that were not parasitic were the ones that either led to something, or had that potential if I did not follow through.

The main element between the two -- the ones that were a waste of time for me (or the other person) was that one party was there for reasons other than to be around me, spend time with me. They wanted, knowledge, help, attention, a warm body to complain to, etc.

I don't dispute that there are also normal, platonic friendships between men and women who aren't attracted to each other -- I just don't see those very often, and I think they are the minority. Even the work friendships I have, which are on the surface platonic, have an undercurrent of desire. I'm wondering if the same issues that affect Aspies affect the ability of folks here to detect that difference or that undercurrent, and I'm thinking now I'm definitely not full Aspie (but have some Aspie/Autism spectrum issues) if I can smell it and others here can't.

It would seem to me that if certain folks here are consistently striking out in their love lives, something is missing/wrong/not being done right. If your reality is different than the reality of 90% of the folks out there, who is right?



CrinklyCrustacean
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14 Jul 2010, 6:18 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
Ok, so this is what I thought -- lots of negative examples (i.e. you were friended and nothing came of it), but no positive examples (you were friended, and ended up in a relationship). I think this can skew viewpoints and opinions about what being friended means.

True, but I have been fortunate to have a lot of good platonic friends of both sexes, so my viewpoint on friendship isn't skewed. I don't doubt you've had bad experiences, but I don't think they are representative of the majority either.
Quote:
Ironically, I now find myself defending the position of my detractors -- I do think relationships can come from friendship. To me, the question is the nature of the friendship, and in my experience (which is all I have), the friendships that were not parasitic were the ones that either led to something, or had that potential if I did not follow through.
The main element between the two -- the ones that were a waste of time for me (or the other person) was that one party was there for reasons other than to be around me, spend time with me. They wanted, knowledge, help, attention, a warm body to complain to, etc.

I'd have to say your experience is very bad luck indeed, but not the norm. That sort of behaviour is just wrong.
Quote:
I don't dispute that there are also normal, platonic friendships between men and women who aren't attracted to each other -- I just don't see those very often, and I think they are the minority. Even the work friendships I have, which are on the surface platonic, have an undercurrent of desire.

I can't honestly say I feel sexually attracted to any of my friends. Maybe I'm weird.
Quote:
I'm wondering if the same issues that affect Aspies affect the ability of folks here to detect that difference or that undercurrent, and I'm thinking now I'm definitely not full Aspie (but have some Aspie/Autism spectrum issues) if I can smell it and others here can't.

Mild case here, and my ability to tell doesn't always work.
Quote:
It would seem to me that if certain folks here are consistently striking out in their love lives, something is missing/wrong/not being done right. If your reality is different than the reality of 90% of the folks out there, who is right?

I can't resist the temptation to play Devil's Advocate. Our reality IS different from the remaining 90% (or whatever) of the population. :D