Enough of the 'Damn women rejected me' threads please

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HopefulRomantic
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16 Oct 2010, 10:39 am

LittleTigger wrote:

Slightly off topic but still within limits of
the thread.

Why should I be with a girlfrend?

"Society" seems to think I should be.

I don't want to date I want to go
outside and play in my yard, with my
Hotwheels and GI Joes and my Legos.

Besides, I am not mature, I don't have
any money, and I'm ugly HAHAHAHAHAHA
that shood keep them (male or female)
away from me.

Little Tigger,

It's your life and therefore it's your perogative to life your life as you deem appropriate. I'm glad you don't succumb to society's expectations. To thine own self be true!

Bravo for you!

HR

Aimless
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16 Oct 2010, 10:45 am

Sallamandrina wrote:

Aimless wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

johnc wrote:

Greendragon wrote:

YES, it is hard but you train yourself to watch for the signals.

Sorry, but this seems to me kinda like telling a blind person that they don't need braille, if they just look hard enough at the printed text. I know, academically, what the signals are. I just can't seem to see them 'in the wild'.

i get what you're saying with that. have you tried to learn about the signals, by reading about it or looking at tutorial videos? it has helped me a lot. i am learning to read facial expressions better - not related to dating, but i think it is possible to learn people's signals, maybe. maybe it is not understandable by just looking really hard, but by decoding it bit by bit?

You know, if we don't instinctively get it, it still feels false and unreal no matter what we learn from the field book.

It's very difficult to learn these things as an adult, but it's possible although I suspect I'll never really master them. My biggest problem - and I don't think someone who didn't went through this can understand - is that in the most important situations I'm so stressed and sometimes overwhelmed enough not to be able to process this kind of information. In a "normal", relaxed social situation with a few people I know I still have to make a significant effort - paying deliberate attention to all the little signs and than analyse them fast enough to respond accordingly when necessary. If the place is crowded, too many people I don't know present or some kind of additional pressure or expectations involved, I can't collect and process the information fast enough - I usually see it clearly only after I get home and feel relaxed again. If I push myself too hard in such situations I'll get completely overwhelmed and shut down completely - I hope some of you understand what I'm talking about.

This is true for me. It has a lot to do with processing speed and if I'm anxious anyway I won't be able to come up with the optimum response at the right time. I think I'm pretty good at observing other people's interactions though.

The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Oct 2010, 12:11 pm

Quote:

As for children, I was raised that a child may or may not be punished with physical hits as much as the wife so go and figure.

What the ....? O_o

Aspie1
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16 Oct 2010, 12:12 pm

HopefulRomantic wrote:

It's been my personal experience that one can't force, coerce or fabricate the essential physical and mental attraction (intellectual, spiritual meeting of the minds and hearts, etc.) that need to exist between two viable romantic matches.

I disagree. While it's impossible and morally wrong to force someone to like you, I never had any trouble dating and even committing to a girl I wasn't attracted to. All my relationships were like that. The only requirement was that I had to be 100% sure that she liked me. I usually had some semblance of physical attraction to her, but I didn't consider it important enough to be the deciding factor. Despite the lack of feelings on my part, I tried to be the best boyfriend she ever had: took her to romantic places, gave her compliments, bought her gifts, cooked meals for her, etc. One girl even told me that.

Those of you who will accuse me of leading the girl on, being manipulative, or what have you, let me tell you this. As much as it may seem like that, it's not intended to be, and it's a necessary evil. Given my bad looks and sub-par social skills, it's the only way I get into a relationship; in time, my feelings will set in automatically. And with one exception, it was the girl who broke up with me, so nothing immoral was done. In my definition, breaking up = loss of feelings for the person.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 16 Oct 2010, 12:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Sallamandrina
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16 Oct 2010, 12:15 pm

Aimless wrote:

Thanks Aimless, I thought you'll know what I mean. I keep my "observer" or "spectator" position whenever I can, although sometimes I'm forced to participate.

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Sallamandrina
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16 Oct 2010, 12:16 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Quote:

As for children, I was raised that a child may or may not be punished with physical hits as much as the wife so go and figure.

What the ....? O_o

Could you point me to the whole post - I missed that?

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The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Oct 2010, 12:19 pm

^ Misscontrue's last post in this thread. Just on this page.

Sallamandrina
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16 Oct 2010, 12:31 pm

Thanks Boo - I understand it now - out of context I interpreted it differently.

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nthach
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16 Oct 2010, 1:11 pm

HopefulRomantic wrote:

To a certain extent, I think we all are. Most importantly, I think it is noteworthy that you do not blame the entire female gender for your fear of rejection. The easy way out for some people is to scapegoat others.

Thanks, I know that it's really a problem on the part of the men who whine and moan here. I know I have an problem socializing. It's a even bigger problem fixing it since there aren't too many places where we won't lock up and shutdown.

I feel I need lots and lots of practice socializing, but I also feel the pressure to try to keep the Aspergian tendencies in me in check - and I feel like I'm failing because it always rears its ugly head.

hyperlexian
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16 Oct 2010, 1:16 pm

BPalmer wrote:

sunshower wrote:

Women are hardwired to be more attracted to personality than appearance.

But that's all been destroyed. Nowadays they've been brainwashed into valuing looks just as much as we traditionally have (so-called gender equality and all that), whilst demanding to keep the right to judge us by our ability to be the breadwinner (do they think we can just walk into a job paying a living wage?).

the reverse cam also be proposed - men are hardwired to look for attractiveness in a mate. society has changed and now women have to work hard to be equal or superior in jobs and education, but men STILL judge them primarily according to their looks. men could be said to be equally 'brainwashed' by society.

this is not a one-way street.

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hyperlexian
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16 Oct 2010, 1:29 pm

Sallamandrina wrote:

Aimless wrote:

Thanks Aimless, I thought you'll know what I mean. I keep my "observer" or "spectator" position whenever I can, although sometimes I'm forced to participate.

yeah, i think i get what you mean. sometimes i spend hours in one socially acceptable spot like a cafe and surreptitiously watch the people. i am nowhere near the point of applying what i have learned to most social situations, but i am learning a little at a time. studying audio-visual materials, books, and actual social situations helps me get closer to understanding.

sometimes i will text my daughter or husband (both NT, though they understandably hate the label), and ask advice as to what a certain situation means, like "there is a man leaning back in his chair and the woman is leaning forward. but her arms are crossed and she is not looking him in the eye. he ordered dinner and she just had dessert. what does it mean?"

but i am not good at just observing when i am actually IN a group of people. in those cases i usually interact quite a lot, though often inappropriately.

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Sallamandrina
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16 Oct 2010, 1:44 pm

I'm usually a good observer even in a group or crowd and I've put together a huge data base of gestures, expressions etc and their meanings. I have an ruthless memory and due to my limitations, I also look at things people don't normally look at. For instance if you put a contradiction in context you can get valuable information about someone - did they "lie" because they don't have strong opinions, to get approval or to challenge someone? Their motivation will teach you a lot. My NT husband often relies on my opinion of people.

The problem is I can't process the information if I'm under stress or pressure, so I can't react fast enough. It can be very, very frustrating.

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RICKY5
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16 Oct 2010, 7:17 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

BPalmer wrote:

sunshower wrote:

Women are hardwired to be more attracted to personality than appearance.

Its a simple matter of biology.

hyperlexian
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16 Oct 2010, 7:36 pm

RICKY5 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

BPalmer wrote:

sunshower wrote:

Women are hardwired to be more attracted to personality than appearance.

Its a simple matter of biology.

neither side needs to be that way, and many many people override the supposed 'biology'. really there is not excuse for either tendency, and it can be changed by conscientious people. some people never care about that stuff. instead of trying to play a blame game, individuals can associate with different groups of people and change themselves as well.

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mechanicalgirl39
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16 Oct 2010, 7:42 pm

I don't expect a guy to be a breadwinner.

Please tell me that's not just my AS traits preventing me from taking in the usual social values by osmosis? Please?

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HopefulRomantic
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16 Oct 2010, 7:48 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

HopefulRomantic wrote:

Aspie1,

Please allow me to clarify. In no way did I intend to state that physical attractiveness should be the delineating criteria in deciding to have a relationship. As you mentioned I contend "that a semblance of physical attraction" is essential though.

For my purposes, I choose to place as much emphasis (if not more) on personality and cerebral attributes than on physical attractiveness. Although I contend mutual physical attraction is essential for a successful romantic relationship in most cases, I firmly believe the required meeting of the minds and hearts is the delineating factor (even a dealbreaker) for the sustained longevity of a solid relationship.

Perhaps, Marilyn Monroe said it best about physical beauty: "Gravity catches up with all of us." Not a one of us can avoid aging.

In my personal experience, a person who you love, respect and admire can become stunningly gorgeous to you by sheer virtue of how you feel about them (and vice versa).

In an attempt to be crystal clear, by "total package" I mean perceiving someone as a combination of all their attributes - mental, spiritual and physical.

Actually Aspie1 - you sound like a sweetheart! Go Get 'Em Tiger!!

HR

Last edited by HopefulRomantic on 16 Oct 2010, 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Enough of the 'Damn women rejected me' threads please