Living together before marriage?

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Well, I'm glad you're recognizing her codependent crap now.

I really hope you can make a decision for yourself, without her needs having to be figured into it.

Have her define "sin" to you. That ought to be fun.

...Oh boy. I don't want to. I'd be there for a while or a simple, "read the bible again!" No thank you.

I expected this response but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. *sigh* Can't anything be easier for me?

No. Growing up is hard. But we've all had to do it. {hugs}

I've seen so many changes in you just in the few years I've been posting here. You're becoming an adult, in spite of the obstacles that are put in your way! Hurray!

If you're worried about the constant crap she's going to spew once you do it then the answer is simple.

(After you move out, this is)

Every time she mentions it in a negative manner, just go "okay, I'm leaving now!" and get up and go. She'll figure it out (unless she's really thick) that if she wants to any spend proper amount of time with you and have a decent relationships with you then she will have to comply with that particular rule of yours (the rule of not guilt tripping you). Make sure you are very consistent though.

She's your mother, she wants to see you and she will either catch on or give in eventually and roll over and play ball. Using stupid psychological tactics against you because she's trying to shove her morality down your throat is not only immature on her behalf but harmful to your mental and emotional well being and you should treat it as such by refusing to stay anywhere near her when she starts it.

Well, I'm glad you noticed. If only my mom would recognize me as an adult...



She's not thick, she's just stubborn as hell (a trait that carries strong in all members of our family). I've called her out on guilt tripping me and she reacts like I'm crazy or turns it on me, "well, there's nothing for you to be guilty about if you're being a good girl." Seriously, this is s**t you see in the movies. I wonder if she knows that she's pushing me away the more that she does this or she just assumes that I'll always be her little good girl. :/

People who use psychological tactics don't stop it if you call them out on it - rather they just turn it around on you.

People who use psychological tactics only understand one form of communication - and that is actions. Start using actions and you will start seeing results.

Agree with this completely.

Fair enough. I'll pretty much stick to the plan my bf and I have and phooey on her and Grammy. I understand she's concerned but I can't let her fears rule over my life like they have before.

Erisad that took so much strength to bring up the idea whether you move out or not it was a major step. When I wanted to move to live with my BF I didn't see parents again for 2 1/2 years. I remember the look on my mom's face like I betrayed her. She got over it and so will your mom and grams.

Yeah, it took almost three months for me to say it. That's how my mom's face looked when I told her. I don't think they could go 2 1/2 years without seeing me. It killed her when I was away at college for four months at a time. I know she'll get over it. She wants me to be happy I just think she's sad that it won't be her making me happy in this case.

My bf's parents told him that they want to see him settle down in three years. And well, it looks like that may be me. He says he can't imagine himself with anyone else. We'll see where we are when we move in though. Who knows? We may be engaged within a year of moving in together, it may be a little longer. In any event, it won't be until mid to late 2013 that we'll be looking at apartments and stuff.

Here is an interesting article on cohabitation:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opini ... .html?_r=1

Personally I have lived with a girlfriend twice (two different girlfriends once each ) and it was a big mistake both times. Next time I move in with a woman will be shortly after our wedding. I guess I'm becoming old-fashioned in my old age.

It depends on the people. I've known people who are happily married after cohabiting. My mom and dad divorced after a few years even though they didn't cohabit. If it's meant to be, it'll be. So does it make any difference what order you do certain things in? Maybe it's because I'm young but I feel that marrying someone before living with them is a huuuuge gamble. It could work out, it might not. If you're cohabiting and it doesn't work out, you just move out of the house and that's that. But if you get married and it doesn't work out, you got a lot more paperwork to deal with, and possibly children and custody issues. But I don't think that would even be an issue for us as I see us going very far. We communicate really well so I feel it's promising for us because of it.

Sorry, did not mean to discourage you. Just a little bitter about my own failures.

Awww. *hugs*

In my twenties I expected to get married and the idea of living together before marriage seemed odd. Now my feeling is, if the option ever comes up in the future, I would be willing to live with a woman, but I'm not sure I would want to get married.

It's YOUR relationship and YOUR life, not your relatives'. You have to make your own choices. You need to succeed on your own and make your share of mistakes. No one can do that for you. Being coerced to make choices based primarily on what others think will only make it harder to learn and grow from your own life.

Thank you.