I 'm so angry

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I wouldn't want the girls I'm talking about to be my girlfriend anyway. If we have nothing in common, we will never work out. Just cause she's female doesn't mean a thing.

I'm allowed to think a person is an idiot for any reason I want. I'm only speaking for myself here, In my opinion, it makes them idiots.

yeah - that is essentally it. you're speaking in more concrete terms than i can really visualise, but the gist looks correct.

it's like.... it turns out i am not too bad at hip-hop dancing for some absurd reason. i did well in my class today and i am feeling good about an upcoming group competition. so today i have been walking around doing my usual daily routine like i am a gift to all humanity because I CAN ROCK THAT STAGE AND I KNOW IT!! !! !

or similarly, i am pretty good with a set of tools, so when i think about how i can fix a toaster i come across LIKE I OWN IT.

it doesn't matter that i am not fixing a toaster or dancing right at this minute. if i think about how i am a skilled and talented person in general (and everyone has skills, seriously *everyone*), then it comes across to other people when i interact with them. if i forget that and think about how i can't catch a ball to save my life or how i always lose my friends because i am not good at reciprocation, people will sense that instead.

right, and the way you just expressed that people are idiots in your opinion makes perfect sense. it was how you phrased it as though it is an immutable fact and not just your opinion that gave me pause.

it is very hard to find people with common interests in a bar. you might want to try meeting people at an activity that you enjoy doing more than drinking and dancing, because that's pretty much all you are guaranteed to have in common with those females.

but are you really giving them a fair shot? it seems like it would be a very brief conversation for you to judge them so harshly. you really can't blame people for judging you quickly either, if that's the way you roll.

I'm sorry for the confusion.

Well, that you see is the problem. The interests I have, and the places I frequent, Females don't go to, or if they do, I'm not interested in them. I'll admit that maybe I'm a tad superficial, but I also know that I can be. Basically speaking, some of the women who go to the places which I hang out, I'd rather chew my own leg off than go home with them.

But you are absolutely right, Bars are not a good place to meet women, but I live in a place where they are the only secular place to meet attractive women. I don't go to church, there are no non church related volunteer groups, My school is to far away for me to find girls at (nearly 1.45hours each way), so I'm left with a single book store, and a slew of coffee shops. The problem is, I always feel bad about interrupting them while they are doing homework (I live in a college town, for a college I don't attend, so that cuts me off from all the college related stuff). I might not be giving them a fair shot, but I like to be upfront about what they are getting. I'm a geek. I use big words, I quote movies, I collect toys. I'll drop in a star wars or Monty Python joke.. if she doesn't get it.. then I have no interest in her, just as I seriously doubt she would have any interest in me.

I'm used to being judged based on my appearance.. I swear if I was gay.. I'd be neck deep in sex and probably have scored a few European vacations and a free car or two.

but you took issue on the forums when we talked about judging men according to things like "confidence". it's fair game really, because you're making a choice to judge other people on similarly shallow criteria in unintellectual contexts.

what are your interests? do you work as well as going to school?

All of my interests are geeky. I do not work, but I'm trying to fix that.

geeky girls exist. have you looked online?

Sure have. They exist. Just they don't exist in great abundance in my area. If I lived in another part of the country.. it would be a different story, I've found some extremely interesting young women to talk to.. they just live in California or New York.. Which doesn't really do me much good as I can't leave Georgia for another 4 years at a minimum.

why 4 years at minimum?

School. I like my in state tuition and wish to keep it. I'm only 18 credits in.. so at least another 7 semesters.. which is almost 4 years..

then maybe you need to put off dating for a while, if there are really no options.

I mean there could be options, I just don't know what they are.

well there are options - get to know women better before deciding they are unworthy and don't judge them so harshly on shallow criteria (i.e. their weight or whether they understand a Monty Python joke).

Neither of those options are actionable. I appreciate your help, but in this case the only thing that will help is for me to move.

As discussed, you can't simply be confident as you may put up a facade that will only cover your insecurities and fear of rejection without truly overcoming it first and that comes through practicing your ability to socialize until you have had enough success to be able to rely on your social skills and reciprocation. I think that means you will have to go through trial and error situations and you will have to face rejection before you experience success but if you look at it at a learning experience and try not to take it personally, you will benefit far more.

Don't allow your mindset to fall into the trap of being negative or bitter towards people, try to realize that negativity doesn't have to define you but it can make you who you are if you learn from it. It's easy to be pessimistic and make excuses, it's more difficult to have belief in yourself and accept responsibility but accepting responsibility and being honest with yourself and who you are is the first step to achieving true confidence.

So if you know that his success is limited by lack of confidence and confidence is limited by lack of success then why do you and others even bother to tell that to the guy? You know already theres nothing he can do to change that, its a catch22. Why not instead of all this charade tell him of ways where he can gain confidence in other manners, or ways to make up for confidence, or different places he can try where women arent looking just for the cockiest dick, etc. Why keep beating the guy with the confidence thing if you're not willing to give him advice on how to gain confidence?

And before you suggest to "just keep trying until things work out" ive done that long enough to know as the success to failure ratio keeps getting lower and lower the chances of success also will drop with your now eve lower confidence. So dont bother with that argument

Last edited by MXH on 19 Feb 2012, 3:03 am, edited 1 time in total.