So my GF cheated on me

Post Reply New Topic

Shau mentioned her ex being a bastard, that's what it was in reference to.

To which I said in response that it's not because he's a bastard.

It's because he sexually excites her and makes her feel sexually alive and you singularly, well, haven't and don't.

And I said that he's glad to be rid of her but I did say at the time that she was probably looking for something animalistic, which OP obviously wasn't going to provide.

So he's your masturbation/fantasy subject in trasition periods.

I don't think we can know if he's a bastard or not, or what sexually excites her. What we can know is that she plays mind games.

I would support this theory, it makes sense to me. Without this excitement, the relationship is doomed to fail.

Makes me wonder, puddingmouse, have you ever met someone who you thought was a good guy but there just wasn't any kind of spark, so to speak? Would you imagine yourself having sex with such a guy?

I wouldn't fake a relationship with someone with whom there was no spark.

Or if I got in and found there was no spark, I'd have the decency to talk about it before sleeping with someone else.

Whatever her motivations are, she's bad news.

Also, I singularly haven't and don't what? Sexually excite her? That makes no sense, I don't know her. Feel sexually alive myself? Why would you presume I don't these days?

Last edited by puddingmouse on 26 Nov 2013, 1:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.

you know, most of your comments make my brain connect to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMh5aI-7pSk

I can't think why

Well, I agree with you. But that was my point; without that spark, the other woman will either cheat with someone who does bring that spark, or break up/do something about it if she is more decent. She was indeed bad news, in the end, and it's a good thing Shau is finished with her. But I put my money on the fact that the existance of the spark with the ex, and the lack of it with Shau, played a crucial part in this. I think that's the next step after being a not-spineless nice guy: being the kind of man who can have that spark and keep it with a woman. I've learn that without that spark one might as well not bother; and with it things tend to happen on their own.




In that case, *he* refers to the ex-boyfriend and *you* refers to Shau and *her* refers to Shau's ex-girlfriend. So that's why it wouldn't make sense, it's not talking about you

Last edited by Shatbat on 26 Nov 2013, 1:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Is there a specific type of man that can have a spark and keep it with a woman? I don't think there is because women are all different. Different men will have a spark with different women.

He should be himself and communicate well rather than trying to be more sexually aggressive, or whatever people think it is that women want.

Last edited by puddingmouse on 26 Nov 2013, 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was hoping that was the case but I couldn't be sure.

It's little things. I remember you said how you liked that a man would answer "yes I know " when he was complimented. But those little things can't be faked all, what is really needed is the confidence behind them, which in the end can't be faked either. From my experience, it's also about being direct about one wants, and not ashamed of it (very different to ignoring the other person and doing things despite what they want, that's the last thing I'd advocate for, and in the end I don't know how to explain this other by with the word "assertiveness". Let's put an example with kissing. What I do is look them in the eyes and tell them I will kiss them, when I feel it's appropriate. I go in slow so that they have time to move away if that's their wish, plus I like the expectation anyway, but lately I've become better at seeing when it's appropriate or not, and at taking risks, so that usually doesn't happen. But I've interviewed several women on the subject and they all agree it's a turn-off when the man is too passive and never makes a move. Communicating, as you said it, is also a big part. Communication, you mentioned it, It also plays a part (although it is more related with the "trusting each other" part than with the spark part) but it is important, and not many couples have it.



I believe that's another part of it, making the other person feel treasured and beautiful. It is my impression so far that you don't fall neatly in a gender role, but other women I've talked to personally plus some texts recommended by wise people agree with this as well.

All in all, I can't say I have figured things out, I am still on that process. But I feel strongly the path I am is the way ahead for having a fulfilling relationship, and this is part of it.

I think the idea that links masculinity and confidence is dangerous because it implies that femininity is about lack of confidence and assertiveness (because femininity is portrayed as being what masculinity isn't.) Everyone should try to be confident and assertive.

I got the impression that Shau was trying to be confident and assertive, anyway (nice guy with a spine) but Tequila was suggesting that he should be more than that if he wanted to keep that girl's interest. I don't think it's worth it because it's fake and she sounds like she's not worth it, anyway.

See, it depends what "nice guy with a spine" is.

Too much asking "is this OK?", "how about that?" can also be taken as weakness and a lack of dominant assertiveness.

You don't want to ignore a woman because that's very dangerous. But you want it to be absolutely clear about what you want.

Too much "indecisiveness" is a,turn-off.

I was referring entirely to OP's situatikn and not you in any of that

So is too much fake bad-assery. The key is to quit worrying about things and be awesome.

I'm glad of that. I was being paranoid that you were assuming things about me, sorry.