Here we go again . . .

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Hi Katie

I'm actually going to PM you when I get into work. I want to give you more background into my situation and I don't want to do it publicly.

I don't want to publicly give details that he, or anyone else that knows us, could identify.

both right imo. Some people are just cowardly and by giving into them you validate their negative ways of dealing with the world.

do not go running for him. He's a hypocrite and he will never change if you give into him, and he will probably never change regardless.

Some people are just a lost cause.

I hate to say that because i like to believe the best in people, but sometimes you just need to cut your losses and get out. You're worth more, there are tons of decent people out there that can give you what you need. Life is too short for selfish losers like that who have no ability to self sacrifice for anybody but themselves.

You'll never be able to progress onto something better if the door to him is still open, so close it and move on. you just have to make a start with living a new life and knowing that you will never go back to him. It'll be lonely for a while but it just has to be done.

One day he will just be this guy that made you realise whats important in life and led you to the real person you're meant to be with. Reading your previous posts (and seeing the dates) tells me you've wasted too much time on him already.

Completely over the top. Nuts. Couldn't believe I was driven to such an extreme. Called him first to ask permission to send it, to be sure he wouldn't call the police. But it was done in response to equally outlandish accusations and extreme behavior. He was thrilled. Loved it.

But again: your reaction is based on conventional social programming, to which this guy is largely oblivious. I don't mean that as an insult. We have internalized a set of social norms that we never question because we're not even conscious of them. Not until your world collides with his. He doesn't judge people by those standards and doesn't expect to be judged by them, because he doesn't seem to know what they are. Being shocked that his two girlfriends would get angry enough to walk away is a good example. He went on to top that by marrying a heroin addict. Like, what could possibly go wrong? He does freaky stuff all the time and is usually indifferent to others' freaky behavior.

I'm kind of surprised I have to explain that here.

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html#narcissisticsupply

Awesome. Thank you! TTYL.

reminds me of some words in a song.

Last edited by woodster on 04 Dec 2013, 12:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ok, that makes sense. Sometimes people want to give me stuff I have no interest in, but I accept it with a smile to avoid any aggro. Then I bin it. His social programming may be unconventional, but he probably has a bin.



He may not be all that conventional to you, but I don't think his behaviour is all that odd.

You and he had a 7 week shagfest back in 1997. It was all about sex - you did whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it, even when you weren't particularly keen. You spent all that time at his place, and he drove you around, didn't let you out his sight. It was all about sex, and it was all about doing what he wanted, and him controlling you.

On an early thread here you say:

"He was very demanding of my time and quite inconsiderate about other obligations I had. We didn't talk much, and never went out in public, for anything. He had certain rules, and I had to be a good girl and follow them. We had exactly one argument, over something he wanted that I was a little squeamish about. He wasn't outraged, but firm: I could either comply, or go home. He was such a domineering as*hole about it, I laughed. He didn't. He was dead serious. So I agreed to give it a try, and then he was happy again and harmony was restored."

(Btw, you wrote 400 pages about this "romance"?)

That ended. You went your separate ways. Met up again when both divorced. He has children, you don't.

He's happy enough to have a sex only, no strings attached relationship. Which to be fair to the guy, is not unreasonable given your history of obliging his sexual predilections. Also, in August this year(?) he wanted to experiment with some kind of anal stimulation and you again obliged his every whim.

Only snag is, you want something back. You want your needs to be met, sexually and maybe emotionally. He is not prepared or willing to meet your needs. Maybe, as you say, he's just not socially programmed that way. Maybe he's just not interested enough. You have made that quite clear in all your various posts here over the past 18 months or so. You may not see it, but there it is, in black and white.

Your diagnosing him with AS means that you can somehow explain away aspects of his behaviour towards you. So, if he has AS he's not contacting you because he's having a "shutdown". The more likely explanation is that he's not contacting you because he doesn't want to contact you. His reasons are his reasons.

It's interesting that you have something of an obsession with his ex-wife. Octobertiger earlier mentioned that you are able to be assertive and set boundaries on-line but not in the "relationship" with this man, yet in your very first thread on WP you say this:

"My main goal here was to get advice on how to get him to stop hurting me, to stop verbally projecting all his mistrust and fear onto me. Maybe I could try something that worked once before. He began saying something nice about his ex-wife, which I found infuriating and offensive. That witch bullied and abused him and cost him a LOT of money, while I am right here, being sweet for free. Pissed me off.  So I held up a hand and said, "ok, red light, stop." He did, looked a little guilty, and that was that."

So, you can stand up for yourself, but it seems that you are only motivated to do so when he expresses positive feelings towards the woman you want to paint as all evil (in contrast to you being the "good" woman).



Why is that?

Easy. Because I care about making him happy. Figuring out how is the only reason I'm here, aggravating everyone with page after page of my drivel. (<------ Dynania, I'm looking at you. Proof of my love is in my actions, not in sugary words.) I don't care if total strangers are happy or not.


Correct!


I just told him the other day that the #1 thing for me, is that I'd never get bored with him. I expect the reality to be challenging and frustrating at times, but boring? Never.


JinNJ elucidated that we are a lot closer than I thought. I haven't been playing ball either. Reversing that is how I can take control of the situation, and not at all risk alienating him. I had forgotten the dynamic all those years ago. I was submissive to the point I hardly recognized myself, to show my love. Paradoxically, I found that made me powerful and gave me control. Because he needed/wanted that more than I did. He appeared to be the dominant/controlling one, but he loved me to bits, and my ego was the size of a house. It wasn't about power. It was about love.

But in August….

Removed personal information as OP has responded..

Last edited by JinNJ on 04 Dec 2013, 11:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Define "meaningful."


I have no idea. Depends on what the unmet need is. But: knowing I should be prepared for it will make it much easier to cope. It helps that I have our experience back in grad school to compare it to. When my needs went unmet for month after month, despite my (unsuccessful) attempts to talk to him about it, I was not expecting it and did not understand why. It ground down my ego, made me feel cheap and used, and made me wonder what I'd done wrong. I felt like a whore, and worse, a whore he never wanted to have sex with anymore. Within a few months, I concluded that he viewed women as fungible, and doubted he would miss me. He never called me anyway. Evidently any woman with a pulse and a hole would do, so he could go just get himself one of those. I left sad and confused, not angry, but I also didn't think he deserved me.


No no. You've made it clear that basically anything is possible, so I should be prepared for any possibility, from bad to good.


Okay . . . thing is, he has never really stated what he'll give me. It gets stated in the negative, when he's dishing out verbal abuse. The gist of his meltdown in August: he said I have a stereotypical view of relationships; his problem with intimacy was maybe that he just didn't want to be intimate with me; I should never act like we "have" anything (I was trying to calm him down); and I could get dumped in favor of someone else at any time. So, that doesn't really define the terms. It just tells me he can be a vicious SOB and next time I need to just hang up.


Right, I get it. Don't touch the third rail. But again, I have no idea what he IS offering. That's exactly the problem. When I try to get clarification, he explodes.


Christ?!?!?! Are you kidding? I fear he'd rip my liver out just for asking. I can handle brutal honesty, no problem. But on this topic, that's not what I get. I don't get straight, direct, clear answers to straightforward questions. I can barely get my mouth open before he starts lobbing emotional vomit bombs. The idea that I don't just magically "get it" seems to incense him.

One idea I've had is to draw up a formal written contract that lays out terms to which I think he'd be amenable. Or a range of options that he could circle or cross out. Or something like that. Seems to me that written communication is the only way to stay clear of the blast radius. But that's a problem too: he won't read anything longer than a text message. It's really quite impossible.

That sounds hot, is he Bi