AS dating a NT - is it morally right?

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Tone done the judgmentalism and negative insinuation please. This is a support forum for neurodiverse people, not a smear forum for NTs to sneer at AS people.

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Perhaps it is useful to reconsider what brought you here in the first place, IH, and your own behaviour in the relationship. From the start, you mention a power imbalance - this man was your subordinate at work. And he was an AS man, another power imbalance in the circumstances. May I suggest you look at your own pattern of behaviour. As you wrote, he was very kind to you at first.

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This is a support forum for US, not a place for you to bash autistic people because you are incapable of empathizing with people that are different from you.

This is why aspie men don’t want to tell potential mates or current mates about our disorder, internet is full of women who’ve had bad experiences with men who may have or atleast they think have autism and say all autistic men are this way.

Many aspies aren’t able to read non verbal communication, we also struggle expressing ourselves, which to some may seem as lacking empathy, but lacking empathy and lacking the ability to successfully show empathy are too very different things.
I and others feel too much empathy. I get very host hearing about women raped or abused for example. Even just typing that made me sad.

I would be able to show empathy in a romantic relationship, I have no bloody idea how to appropriately show it in friendship,or to strangers. It’s inappropriate to make physically contact with female friends or strangers. And I have social aanxiety and fear saying the wrong thing and upsettting them. When it’s someone who’s in power above me it’s even worse, I distance myself from my bosses. Friendships with bosses is inappropriate and in military highly disapproved of! Why do you you surpose thst is? Such relationships complicate work relationships and can create conflicts and bad situations which negatively impact th work environment. Same reason romantic relationships between people and their bosses is not allowed. I also don’t joke at work, that’s inappropriate I was told. I got in trouble at past jobs for it, jet many at my current job especially women joke all the time, I’m envious of them, if I did joke I’d probably e fired, it annoys me they get away with it.

So many of use have social issues thst effect our life’s but lack of empathy isn’t one.

You may be right Sly, at least I am certain you are right for you. So the question becomes how do you handle it? Because let's say the AS person does feel badly that they hurt someone but their response, for lack of knowing what to do, is to retreat completely. Does that make the situation better, or hurt more? Should be obvious. On the other hand, let's say they retreat because they just want to get away and don't care at all for a person. There is no way to know the difference between these two reasons for the same behavior unless the AS person communicates. In my case, he refused to communicate. I have a very hard time believing that there was nothing there because he behaved differently until we started finding ourselves getting closer. He would seek me out, not the other way around. When I responded in kind, he retreated.

There is a lot more to showing empathy than physical affection. It's not that simple.

So my big problem is that if empathy is not shown, how does one know it's there? No one can read minds. Feeling like someone doesn't care hurts. That causes you to seek out the needed validation more. That pushes the AS person further away, and it's a vicious cycle. So what is to be done?

^ If he doesn't want to communicate, that's his problem, not necessarily an ASD problem.

If I cared about someone and knew I'd hurt them, there would be no way I could function until the misunderstanding had been cleared up, I'd feel that bad about it.
He functioned in a work environment, so I'm thinking he can't be totally without communication skills.
He could communicate with you, if he wished it.

It's a matter of WHAT he communicated about. He and I could sit and talk for hours about things so long as it wasn't personal things. Oh wait, that's wrong. He can sit and talk to me for hours and ask ME personal questions, deep personal questions, and he wants to know all about some deep stuff in my soul, but I am not permitted to do the same. And talking about anything related the friendship gets ignored too. That sounds an awful lot like alexithymia and I've known that for a long time now. Understanding that this a likely cause does not make it any better, nor does it tell you what you can do about it, nor does it answer the big question of WHY, nor does it give you solace in knowing how the other person feels about you. A relationship cannot function if one half of it is completely closed off, whether that person does care or not. It has to come out. And if the reaction is to retreat completely, it is just sad. Then again, there is no way to know if it is sad for him or not. And not knowing for sure if it is YOU, or just being close to ANYONE that is the problem, or if it's the SITUATION, well, that's all lack of closure and it hurts. It makes you hold on, possibly thinking the best, but getting the feedback that it is the worst. And you try so hard to understand but can't, and being denied the dignity of explanation and discussion is cruel, whether it's meant that way or not.

So how is a person supposed to understand what is happening if one day you spend hours talking about deep personal things for hours with the undivided attention and caring of your friend, to the next day getting lashed out at and you don't know why. Then repeat process over and over with all that back and forth (friends/lashing out) until he's just gone.

None of it matters and I just have to learn to let go. I tried my best.

I think perserverating or obsessing about it is unhelpful, even unhealthy.

If this person was NT, would it be easier to accept?

The way to combat these negative stereotypes is not to lie about being autistic. We have nothing to lie about or be ashamed of and shouldn't be made to feel like we need to deny who we are to be accepted by people. Don't listen to this person's negative anti-autistic bias, she doesn't speak for all NT women any more than you or I can speak for all autistic people.

Well Raleigh, honestly, if the person was NT this would be obvious--he doesn't care. But being AS, and having a history of withdrawal then coming back like nothing happened and acting like best friends again, it makes you second guess everything over and over again. It's maddening. So yes, it would absolutely be different if he were NT. But he's not. Of course it is unhealthy. But it is also incredibly hard to just let go when you don't know the real truth. Assuming he is acting the way an NT would be bad. Assuming he is behaving under the influence of difficulties he has because of AS is bad. No win situation.

Funny how you just demeaned me after you just agreed with what I said.

I didn't demean by pointing out your bias against and inability to empathize with autistic people. It is just a fact that is apparent in your comment history.

For apsie men if we tell the lady, she’ll look it up online and find page after page after page about how horrible aspie men are and that’ll be the last time she’ll talk to us. There not much negative stuff out there about aspie women, only been one ormaybe two men come here to complain about their aspie gf or wife. It’s like reviews of items if you look up an item and find lots of negative reviews you won’t buy it.

Depending on the situation withdrawing is the best choice. It’s better then a long extended fight for example. If both can’t stop it’s better to walk away for while.

My experience has been when someone’s hurt the don’t want the person who’s hurt them around and pushing the matter hurts them more.

The other possible situation is yiu hurt him so he’s avoiding you. I avoid people who hurt me irgnore them, so they don’t hurt me more.

My dad (AS) and my mom (NT) made it work. They have two kids (the other is my sister) and he is a step father to my half-sister. When I ask my mom about divorce (as a joke), she gets offended. I guess my parents are the needle in a haystack.

As unfair as that is, I don't think it's a valid solution to that problem to lie about being autistic. I don't think that makes it better for you or more likely to find love with a decent person if you lie about who you are. The solution is to continue being a decent guy with autism and proving them wrong by being yourself and not being ashamed of being yourself.