Woman, what is your role in dating?

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Yeah, that's the sort of reaction I used to get when I was the first to make a move, rather than letting the man make the move, which is why I stopped.

Why would you care for a man who slut-shame women for that?

Well, yeah that's the point where I realise he's not for me... ah, ok, but then I suppose it's a way of working out what his attitude is. If he takes offence then he's not the guy for me and it's better I find out by asking him than pining and wondering for months.

Hmmm, I hadn't seen it from that angle before.

^^ I dont slut shame but then again I have a dirty open mind but on the plus side I have a good heart, if you can get past my hyperactivity and immaturity.

I think if a cute girl threw herself at me, I would fall instantly for her. Maybe I am not like most men, which would not be a surprise. I am drawn to social, extroverted, feminine women who aren't afraid to go after what they want..... most of the time and I refuse all casual relationships. I even met another guy (34) that women should fall over each other to catch but nobody has taken the initiative to do that. Too bad for both sexes because of these silly "rules".


Thanks. I think I am up to 9 initiating contact in 3 days so that's pretty darn good! Even if it doesn't work out, at least I can see my "type" (monogamous, love/relationship driven, serious interest in children) is desired. I do not pull any punches in my profile and make it clear who I am and what I offer.

Gosh I dislike that assumption and statement.

There is very little universal attractive and unattractive, and each person should be given a chance to show who they are without assumptions and conjecture. Period.

Sometimes I think part of us instinctively knows what we need to get the right yin and yang in a relationship. My husband appreciates that I become my best self (creative, assertive, able to get things done) when things start to fall apart, because that is when he gets lost. As long as things are on course, he is brilliant, steady, funny, loving (kind of perfect to me).

My role is to tell myself, that I live in 21st century: So I should not care for roles, but simply be the person that I am, and be happy to find someone, that I am attracted to, and that is attracted to me. just the way we are. Finding a boyfriend, that feels attracted to the role I play, is nice for the non-existing person I created by playing a role, but does not help the real existing person that I am. I have no probs with it, that the majority of people might not be attracted to the person that I truly am, but faking a role just to attract someone, that is not truly attracted to me, is simply a waste of time. Tons of effort for no benefit.

Yes, this was my experience, too. She was not diagnosed (refused to go to a psychologist), but my own psychologist tentatively agreed with me that she seemed like the archetype of BPD.

Women have this fear too. It's one of the reasons I hold back a little from getting close to others, I'm not just talking of romance, but I am cautious with friendships too. I've dealt with a person with bpd before and I feel like I've got to be careful now rather than jump in feet first because they can seem pleasant, but then as the layers are revealed it gets very dark and sinister and you lose track of where solid ground is. This wasn't even a romantic relationship either, but it makes me wary.

Any ideas on how to get past that trepidation? Logically, the chances of meeting someone with bpd again must be very slim. They surely only make up a small percentage of the population?

She eventually did after I contacted her parents when the second blowup was happening. I told them I suspected classic Autism but something serious was going on. She went for weeks and got a big long report and she started to share but after talking to her parents she 'lawyered' up on me. I suspect it said BPD. I knew there was something wrong with her but I figured I would show her guys aren't all jerks.

She definitely meets 8 of the 9 criteria for BPD perfectly. Let's just say she was SCARY when her abandonment triggers went off. We had some great times but I was always on edge for her next blowup and learning about BPD was a big sense of relief that I wasn't crazy. My own mother told me she was going to get me arrested due to her outbursts and she wasn't that far off. What's worse, even my coworkers after meeting her told me with a straight face they would bail me out if necessary I told my psychologists that I didn't need the label: it didn't matter because she was so obviously BPD nobody could miss it. My brother was right: with girls like her you need to RUN before they make you think you are the crazy one.


Wish I knew. I am always "on guard" now and I think my dates can pick up on that. It seems like many of the women that fall for me are mentally messed up in one way and I have spent months trying to understand why they are attracted to me. I suspect it's because I am a Knight and a Rescuer and get intimidated by women more successful than I. After learning more about Cluster B disorders, it's quite scary how many girls especially on POF.com could meet that criteria. I almost feel like a police officer pulling over a speeder after getting shot at in my last stop. Hard not to draw that weapon but it doesn't exactly help the other person relax and open up that's for sure.

Very well put. Everything seemed fine, but one stressful event that totally broke her down that didn't even have anything to do with me - then she was a different person and she became so antagonistic, compulsively lied, and contradicted herself so much. I put up with it for much longer than I should have because I was convinced that this couldn't be 'real', that it was some freak phase that would pass because this wasn't who I liked anymore, this was a totally different person. It didn't pass, and the only person she wasn't was the one I liked.


I'm not very sure, myself. It worries me about my future (even more than I already was), I had a hard enough time trusting people before and now I realize that I can be mislead for 7-8 months thinking I know who someone is, only to learn that they can become a monster later. Now my distrust in others is becoming pervasive, I have minimal confidence that anyone is who they say they are and that I'll ever find someone who won't lie to me, and how to even convince myself to let them close enough to find out.

I've seen many instances of aspies getting involved with people with BPD, it seems disproportionate. I think our (often) naivety is easy for them to exploit, perhaps we do not pick up on things that an NT would know is a 'red flag.' I'd also noticed that she seemed to 'fuel' off of me very easily, because she'd intentionally ask me questions that she already knew the answer to, but she knew I would always tell the truth. She knew she could get me to admit I didn't (yet) love her if she cornered me with enough questions no matter how much I tried to avoid it (because after enough times I knew what she was trying to do), so she made a habit out of that and then would explode off the answer, claiming that nobody ever would love her, and threaten suicide if I didn't validate her enough after that, or alternatively accuse me of being emotionless or some kind of sociopath (which apparently is supposed to make me love her???) But of course by the time this was happening love was the last thing on my mind, I only wanted out and wish I had a time machine to prevent us from ever meeting.

It's as if my compulsive honesty was the perfect tool for her to manipulate me into beating herself up with, and she loved guilting me over my basic behaviors (just common AS 'aloofness' and difficulty resolving/understanding certain feelings), and I wonder if this is why I see so many instances of aspies stuck trying to get away from BPD cases. Many of us aspies just want someone who will accept our quirkiness or even see it as a positive thing, and they will gladly cater to that (because they've probably scared everyone else away) until they inevitably reach a compulsion to utilize us in their addiction to self-destruction.

Yeah, I think the men and women here are pretty atypical.



Exactly! These silly gender boxes don't do anyone any good.



I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

I agree, but as long as people believe these silly gender "rules," there's going to be obnoxious assumptions.