When is it over?

Post Reply New Topic

Typically (NTs) infatuation is replaced with attachment. That means that infatuation will steadily decline as attachment increases, and the sum of those is near constant. For NDs, it's a little more complex, and it appears to peak between half and one year after falling in love, and then decrease. Attachment in NDs sharply increases for a few months, and then is rather constant.

I think there reason infatuation has to go away is that it affects our perceptions of people and gives us a false picture of them.



For NTs, infatuation rapidly declines during dating, so that doesn't seem to be a good idea. If it has any effect at all, it will further decrease infatuation. For NDs, dating has no effect on infatuation at all.

How do you define "neediness" in that case?



Attraction is not related to infatuation in any way.



After 12 years, you should have high levels of attachment and low levels of infatuation. Those are not the same thing!

I have an insecure attachment style which doesn't help things much. Probably a combination of the Anxious-Preoccupied and Fearful-Avoidant styles.

If complements, affection and the like are only NT traits or wants, as others have said, what to Aspies and others on the spectrum want in a relationship instead? I don't have real strong Asperger's but still find those things important, maybe due to the insecure attachment style. However, I don't have the sensory issues with touch and all that others with Asperger's have.

What does that mean? In typical psychiatric descriptions "insecure attachment" is the total opposite where people attach to easily and become clingy and needy.



Company and hugs goes a long way.

I just think that when you first get with someone you tend to be all over them, holding hands all the time, sitting on their knee etc and as the relationship gets older you get more secure and don't need to display your interest so overtly or warn others off. That doesn't necessarily mean you are going off each other or no longer find them as attractive - just that you are so confident of those things after time that you don't feel the need for overt displays.

Here is one description of the different styles:

http://www.psychalive.org/how-your-atta ... ationship/

Luckily I picked someone who seems to be pretty secure in herself so she has probably made the relationship work between us. Probably the main sign of the insecure attachment style I have is that I am always kind of expecting my wife to eventually abandon me. That is probably why I need reassurance from her more than many others might-that and the fact that I cannot read any non-verbal cues like looks of affection or things like that.

That is interesting that you say that. Most other people on this thread were saying that affection was an NT thing. I would consider hugs a form of or sign of affection. I would also think that most Aspies wouldn't value the company that much, given that we tend to be loners. I guessed that sense many Aspies have low self esteem, they would need more signs of affirmation from their partners. Guess I have a lot to learn about this disorder.

I would have to disagree on this one. I have never been infatuated with someone who I also wasn't attracted to. I can agree, though, that as the relationship progresses that attraction will replace infatuation, although some on this thread earlier stated that by the time you hit your 40s one is no longer attractive. I would like to think I am still rather attractive, although I really don't look my age either.

That's the usual BS. As a neurodiverse you should put NO relevance to this kind of crap.



My wife has been the same. These things are based in bad experiences, not attachment style as a child. When you grow up with bullying and abuse, and nobody liking you, it's just natural that you will fear abandonment when you finally find a partner. Your wife should be aware of this and support your needs any way she can. It can be as simple as her telling you she won't leave you on a regular basis. It doesn't need to be physical affection if she doesn't like that too much.

Of course, but all people don't like the same kind of affection or express it in similar ways. I think hugs (with a partner) is a rather common thing for NDs to like (even crave). That doesn't mean they need other kinds of affection like kissing or verbal compliments that are more common for NTs to like. You will need to negotiate which types of affection you and your wife have in common that you both like. From there you can probably develop a better affectionate exchange rather that assuming that affection is always a set of given traits.



That's not really incompatible. You can be in the same house / apartment without necessarily talking and interacting with each others. That's still company (at least for an ND it is). NDs that needs a lot of time for themselves typically still enjoy having a partner nearby. If you are like that, then try to negotiate that too with wife.



Can't answer that one as I'm not one of those.

It is attachment, not attraction, that replaces infatuation as a relationship progresses. Attraction is something that many people need to have in order to even consider somebody as a potential partner. Although for me, as an asexual, I won't consider (sexual) attraction at all when I evaluate potential partners.

Sure. That's probably the result of infatuation. Infatuation will lead (at least some people) to want to be constantly with their love. As infatuation gets lower attachment takes over and then they no longer are so needy or clingy, rather their attachment makes them feel secure.

There actually is quite a bit of research supporting the different attachment styles we form as children. I think there is less research as to how these influence our adult relationships but there still are quite a few published studies on them, so I can't dismiss it completely as BS. I have never seen any work that suggests this would be different for people who are AS but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, I have just never looked into it. I really had no reason to expect that it would be different. I would think that given the Asperger traits, especially the insensitiveness to non-verbal cues, that it would be rather difficult to form a secure attachment to a parent, but I could be wrong.

I would be a good candidate for an insecure attachment just based on the details of my adoption. My biological mother kept me for 2 weeks, and according to what she told the adoption agency, was depressed much of the time, so she probably wasn't very sensitive to my needs or wants. Then I was with a foster home for 2 weeks, and who knows how they treated me. Finally I was placed with my adoptive family, so I had 3 different primary caregivers during my first month of life. The general pattern that seemed to emerge is that as soon as you start to bond with someone, they give you up. My adoptive mother had quite a few issues of her own, but at least they did give me more opportunities in life than I would have had had I not been placed up for adoption.

The heartache I feel about having to stop any chance of a relationship with this other person was especially hard yesterday. I haven't been through anything resembling a breakup in 16 years. I had forgotten how bad it can hurt.

I think you did the right thing.
I will remember this when my marriage reaches that point.
Much respect to you John.

I have trouble with hugs because of sensitivity to touch. I have coped with this by adopting a firm and quick hug, which I sometimes actually initiate. But it has to be quick - like under five seconds. Anything more would trigger a flight response and ensuing awkwardness.
I'm not sure about autistics being especially sensitive to abandonment. I think it depends on their life experiences. In my own case, I am, but that is because of my experience of my father leaving our family when I was 4. Unless, you mean emotional abandonment, which some would probably face by way of social rejection.

Thanks, I wish the heartache I am feeling for this other person wasn't so strong. It is tough to meet someone who seems so right but at the wrong time in your life.